Fantasy Baseball Killed My Pet Turtle

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Fantasy Baseball Killed My Pet Turtle
(Photo by Jeff Gross/Getty Images)

Coach Chris Murphy sent out an open invitation for hitters who felt they were doing well to meet in his office on Sunday.  We at Bleacher Report put a balding midget in a Red Sox uniform to pose as Dustin Pedroia to get the inside scoop.

Murphy started the meeting by explaining how a couple years ago his turtle, Bubba, had died due to lack of nourishment stemming from Fantasy Baseball-related stress. Murphy struggled to get through his speech, choking up a few times, but explained to his players that due to their play, all animals in his house were fed and loved as they should be. 

Except Isabelle, the annoying fat-ass guinea pig, who refuses to stop squeaking.

Murphy, showing strange amounts of emotion, hugged Adam Dunn, Carlos Beltran, David Wright, Robinson Cano and Nick Markakis.  Each player felt a little uneasy about the hug, expecting Murphy to break a chair over their back as he had done to players in the past.

 

Adam Dunn—.284 BA, 14 HR, 25 R, 39 RBI

Carlos Beltran—.361 BA, 6 HR, 30 R, 30 RBI, 7 SB

David Wright—.350 BA, 3 HR, 28 R, 30 RBI, 10 SB

Robinson Cano—.313 BA, 8 HR, 30 R, 25 RBI, 2 SB

Nick Markakis—.310 BA, 7 HR, 36 R, 38 RBI, 1 SB

 

What To Do

Love them. Hug them. Whisper sweet-nothings into their ear.  Thank God each day for creating them.  Actually take a moment not to hate Fantasy Baseball, gaze into their stats and get lost.

The only negative amongst these players is that it seems as though the Mets' new stadium is reducing the power numbers for Wright and Beltran—but the new park is helping every other aspect of their games. 

Another minor negative is we are not getting the stolen bases we were hoping from Markakis. He is exploding otherwise.  

An unsuspected positive is Cano having a good first half. He has been criticized every year for being a second-half player, but it seems as though the new Yankee Stadium is helping him thus far. 



Murphy seemed to be wondering why players such as Matt Kemp, Jorge Cantu, John Baker, Kurt Suzuki, Asdrubal Cabrera, or Felipe Lopez had not shown up.  Murphy felt they were having extremely productive seasons and were somewhat surprises. 

After further investigation, the general consensus was that these players felt the open invitation from Murphy was a trick, which would lead to a physical and/or emotional shellacking.

 

Matt Kemp—.289 BA, 4 HR, 26 R, 25 RBI, 9 SB

Jorge Cantu—.276 BA, 8 HR, 20 R, 35 RBI, 1 SB

John Baker—.284 BA, 6 HR, 26 R, 19 RBI

Kurt Suzuki—.300 BA, 2 HR, 20 R, 16 RBI, 1 SB

Asdrubal Cabrera—.316 BA, 1 HR, 33 R, 25 RBI, 7 SB

Felipe Lopez—.323 BA, 4 HR, 21 R, 10 RBI, 4 SB

 

What To Do

Unfortunately, these players are not reliable enough to hold on to. Kemp is probably the biggest name that you should hold on to, but you should either prepare to trade the others while they are high or keep looking at waivers.

The other side of that argument is that none of these players are over the age of 28, so they are all too young for us to know enough about them or they are at their breakout age.   

Regardless, each of these players have been a pleasant surprise on waivers for Fantasy Baseball owners.

 

To make sure his players did not get too soft on Murphy, he passed out a list of players he could have feasibly gone after (outside the Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, Evan Longoria dream) and wished he had instead of them. This was to "bring them down a peg," according to Murphy.  

 

Raul Ibanez—.352 BA, 17 HR, 37 R, 43 RBI, 4 SB

Joey Votto—.371 BA, 7 HR, 20 R, 31 RBI, 2 SB

Ian Kinsler—.284 BA, 12 HR, 32 R, 33 RBI, 10 SB

Adrian Gonzalez—.282 BA, 16 HR, 31 R, 30 RBI, 1 SB

Jason Bay—.286, 13 HR, 35 Rs, 45 RBI, 4 SB

Justin Morneau—.343 BA, 13 HR, 36 R, 40 RBI

Joe Mauer (80 at-bats)—.438 BA, 10 HR, 24 R, 29 RBI

Carl Crawford—.317 BA, 1 HR, 34 R, 21 RBI, 28 SB

Jason Bartlett—.373 BA, 7 HR, 32 R, 30 RBI, 14 SB

Adam Jones—.359 BA, 10 HR, 38 R, 32 RBI, 4 SB

Ryan Zimmerman—.348 BA, 11 HR, 37 R, 34 RBI

 

What To Do

Give yourself a high-five.  I only say that because I want you to look like an idiot because I hate you for taking the risks I thought and over-analyzed so much about taking, but did not. 

They all had negatives coming into this year (except Gonzalez, who is just a stone-cold, silent killer in San Diego), whether they were transferring leagues, getting old, had injuries or bad seasons last year—but you made the risky pick that many owners could not.  I hate you.

 

Murphy ended the meeting on somewhat of an odd note, picking up our undercover midget dressed like Dustin Pedroia and punting him out the window.  Murphy then explained to the players that would be their fate if they even whispered a word about his dead turtle or the fact he showed the least bit of compassion.  

Just to keep things in order, Murphy was rumored (keep in mind our reporter had just been thrown out the window) to have thrown a chair at Alex Rodriguez, who for some reason felt he should be at the meeting although batting .189.  

Bleacher Report is now in search of a midget wearing a Pedroia jersey.  First place to look would be ESPN, where he's either an anchor or tied up in the closets of either Chris Berman or Steve Berthiaume.   

 

 

 

 

 

 

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