"Spotters?! Who needs them?"
That's an actual sentence spoken by a man in this slideshow. He says it moments before failing a bench press and having to roll 330 pounds of weight onto his groin—because he doesn't believe in safety.
Needless to say, this man is not an athlete. He—like almost everyone else in this slideshow—is just a regular guy trying to stay healthy but is doing it incorrectly.
The following is a guide on how not to work out, complete with pain-level indexing and remedies on how to treat/avoid these painful and embarrassing workout moments.
Granted, I'm no professional trainer, but if you follow these basic tips, you might finish your lift with a set of mint-condition ribs.
Warning: This slideshow contains videos with adult language and content. If you have a weak stomach, it's time for you to bail.
Always make sure to let the wood glue dry before you jump on your home-rigged pull-up bar. Also, don't swing your legs when you're doing a pull-up.
It ruins the workout, and you could end up mewling on the patio of a Colonial-style home and being comforted by a concerned man wearing a skullcap.
Pain Level: 8
Remedy: Horse liniments and tears—lots of tears.
Warning: Video contains some adult language.
One pec to rule them all.
This man's single pec workout adds a whole new layer to that shouting routine from Remember the Titans. There's left side, and there's strong side.
Pain: 9. My right shoulder cracked just watching this.
Remedy: A good chiropractor and a personal trainer—a trainer who will tell you that bench pressing and canoeing aren't one and the same.
Working out at a "home gym" can be cause for some interesting lifting scenarios.
You don't always have the equipment you need, and sometimes you have to get creative. Maybe your creativity pays off, or maybe you smash your shoulder into grist.
That being said, what doesn't break your clavicle only makes you stronger. (This is not true at all.)
Pain Level: 7
Remedy: Cold compress and a personal trainer.
Screaming and flexing like a Billy B.A. doesn't sell well when you pass out after a single deadlift.
All that street cred you built up by lifting that insane amount of weight washes right out the back door when you rack your orbital on the free weights.
Pain Level: 6
Remedy: Take all that energy you spent screaming after the lift, and apply it toward inhaling oxygen.
As he says in the video, use proper technique, guys—you don't want your friend to walk away from this tutorial without a hairline fracture.
Pain Level: 8
Remedy: Maybe put some spring clips on the end of the bar—you know, that thing every trainer everywhere tells you to do.
Sometimes you go for big air and it works out. Other times you go for broke and end up cuddling with a stack of weights.
The important thing is you tried.
Pain Level: 4
Remedy: A cup and some Sketcher's Shape Ups.
Warning: Video includes some adult language.
Either his parents just had new wood floors put in the rec room, or this young fellow didn't know you're allowed to dump the weights when you fail a bench press.
Pain Level: Starts at 4, ends at 7.5.
Remedy: A nice, long sob in the fetal position.
No clips, no lift, bro.
Pain Level: 0
Remedy: Spring clips could've saved this man and his garage floor a lot of trouble.
Because you don't need a big fancy gym and a membership to make an ass out of yourself.
Pain Level: 2. This one stung the pride.
Remedy: More Under Armor. That fixes everything.
I can't tell if he's drunk or just trying to show off how strong he is.
Either way, this CrossFitter enjoyed a free Olympic bar lunch in the middle of this botched clean and jerk attempt.
Pain Level: 7
Remedy: Lay off the White Russians before giving lifting tutorials.
And we all thought the leg-spreader machine was intrusive.
This video footage features compromising positions, complete helplessness and an Olivia Newton-John soundtrack.
In other words, it's everything you would ever want from a gym malfunction moment.
Pain Level: 4
Remedy: Avoid the 50 Shades of Grey machine at the gym.
Flying is a war against gravity.
With that in mind, being a beefy, thickset person typically leaves you on the losing side of most battles.
Pain Level: 6
Remedy: A lower box.
Put some chewing gum here...some melted chocolate there...and SHAZAM! Immovable pull-up bar!
Pain: 3. I'm convinced this young lady meant to become "Sexy Pull-Up Fail Girl" with this video.
Remedy: Don't test out the steadiness of your newly attached pull-up bar with a leaping trust fall.
This is more of a "look at me" stunt as opposed to an actual workout, but this hotshot had it coming.
Jumping on exercise balls only ends in one scenario—you on the ground, gasping for air and recalibrating your priorities.
Pain Level: 5
Remedy: Any time you feel the need to jump on an exercise ball, do anything else instead.
The uploader of this YouTube video breaks this situation down quite neatly.
This is a crazy person who has attached around 1,000 pounds to a bar, and his workout consists of squirming and trembling beneath it.
The bar is screaming for mercy and going nowhere. This is, quite literally, an exercise in futility.
Remedy: Stop being a nozzle, and try lifting weight you can actually manage.
Lift. Tremble. Fall.
This was supposed to be a Zercher squat. It was not a Zercher Squat.
Pain Level: 2
Remedy: Try a squatter or less weight. Whatever helps you end the set on your feet.
Skip to the 1:06 point in the video to see exactly what you think you're about to see happen.
This big guy attempts a pull-up several tries, and eventually—POP—someone needs to head to Home Depot.
Pain: 0 for physical pain, but 8 for emotional scars.
Remedy: Call a carpenter and throw out the Talenti.
Warning: This man pukes everywhere. If that will disturb you, feel free to move on.
The form was decent, and the effort was clearly there. I could've used less vomiting, however.
Remedy: Sit down and chug some Pepto Bismol. Also, lay off the Chorizo if you're going to be doing heavy lifting.
Give credit where it's due—this man could pull himself the hell up that bar.
The bad news, however, is that his strength got the best of him and "Gareth" here suffered a rather sudden drop to the ground.
Pain Level: 6. It could've been worse. It could've happened while he was inverted.
Remedy: Do less.
This is more bad fortune than a gym fail, but you can't pass up gold when it falls in your lap.
Pain Level: 7 (Inevitable finger cuts and backache from picking up a broken full-length mirror).
Remedy: Light some incense or pray. Do everything you can to make the universe stop hating you.
You think you know what's going to happen, but you don't.
Pain Level: 4
Remedy: Aleve. Also, don't...let go of the bar?
Skip to the 1:30 mark to have your jaw rattled by a failed push-up.
After seeing his skinny friend pull it off, this young man attempts to push himself off the ground, clap his hands behind his back and land safely. He does not land safely, however. He lands on his face. Hard.
Pain Level: 6.5
Remedy: Ice and a trip to the orthodontist.
"Hold it! Aaaand point!"
He pointed the toes. That has to count for something.
Pain Level: 2
Remedy: Maintain balance, fall forward. Still point the toes, however. There's always points for that.
"Yea, that's great! Just lift the one side off of my trachia!"
This lanky spotter had no idea what do when his jacked friend failed on a bench attempt and nearly got himself stuck behind the station while trying to "help."
Pain Level: 6. It's just painful to watch this kid struggle.
Remedy: Either teach your scrawny friends how to spot, or make peace with the knowledge that every set you do could be your last.
Warning: Video contains adult language.
"No spotters! Who needs them?!"
Yep, here's that guy.
As if the wooden weight station wasn't already priceless enough on its own, this man had to tempt fate by cursing safety. He deserves some kind of medal for stupidity—a medal made of out wood.
Pain Level: 9. Judging by his wailing, this man lost years on his life.
I'll be on Twitter if you want to call me a mean keyboard-jockey who probably can't lift. Or we can laugh about this and just be friends. You know, that thing.