This is not an article intended to mock athletes for being dumb. Or at least, all athletes.
For sure, there are professional athletes out there who are incredibly intelligent, informed and eloquent. There are also professional athletes out there who think that the U.S. is composed of 51 states, and professional athletes who think Buffalo is in New York City.
I get it. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, when the adrenaline is flowing and the mind is whirring, athletes say things they don't mean to say. Things come out wrong. Their thoughts get jumbled and so, therefore, do their words.
At least that's what we tell ourselves when they say the kinds of things on the ensuing 15 slides.
So let's all join hands and do our best Antoine Dodson impression:
Poor Jrue Holiday.
It's easy to see how this happened. The guy was a Sixer for the first four years of his career. He was so used to speaking as a part of the Sixers, thanking Sixers fans, engaging with the Sixers community.
So naturally, in his first public speaking engagement since being traded to the New Orleans Pelicans, he forgot that he was no longer a Sixer.
While welcoming Pelicans fans to New Orlean's home opener this week, Holiday thanked them—on behalf of himself and the 76ers.
I'm sure no one noticed.
There are two possible explanations for what you see above: Either Ilya Bryzgalov is a genius, or he is simply insane.
HBO's documentary about the Flyers and Rangers as they prepared for the Winter Classic was a success purely because of moments like this. Philly's somewhat eccentric goalie delivered gold every time he stepped into the confessional room.
In this particular clip, Bryzgalov shared his thoughts on the universe—"How it was created, what is it?" Among those theories? "It is so humongous big."
I wish I cared about anything as much as Ilya Bryzgalov cares about the size of the universe.
Manny Ramirez had the right idea. Any team that doesn't think it can determine its own destiny—or worse, any team that believes it is destined to fail—is not a team worth being a part of.
When Manny was the primary assassin on the Boston Red Sox, he often held destiny in his hands. The Sox went as Manny went, at least in 2004. When he was hitting, the team was winning.
After being dubbed the MVP of the 2004 World Series—Boston's first since 1918—Manny was asked whether he believed in the storied Curse of the Bambino.
Manny's response? "I don't believe in the curse. I believe you make your own destination."
Right idea, bud.
Nobody likes being a scapegoat. In fact, the only thing worse than being a scapegoat is being an escape goat. Amirite?
Yes, yes I am. At least when it comes to Karl Malone.
The Mailman has gifted us with plenty of quotable moments over the years, but perhaps none were as quotable as the time he proudly declared that he refused to be an "escapegoat."
Most of us have experienced a moment like this. We say a word that sounds right in our head but, in actuality, is so, so wrong.
If anyone deserves a free pass for this, it's Mike Tyson. The guy had just gotten pounded in the skull over and over again right before he issued the most infamous line of his career.
Immediately after getting his butt kicked in the ring, Jeremy Schaap asked Tyson what his future held.
Tyson responded, "I don't know, man. I guess I'm gonna fade into bolivian."
Almost. Not quite, though.
Perhaps Jason Kidd deserves a pass here. This was likely one of those things that just came out of his mouth before he had a chance to really think about it.
Plus, math is hard.
When Kidd joined the Dallas Mavericks in 2008, he was eager to help the team change its fortunes and become a champion. A few years later, he would succeed. But at the time, he vowed to "turn the team around 360 degrees."
Luckily for him, that didn't happen, or else the team would have ended up right back where it started—losing in the first round of the playoffs.
Tyler Seguin isn't completely to blame for this little fiasco. After all, his roomie, Jordan Caron, chose not to wake him up.
The Boston Bruins are pretty strict when it comes to road trip etiquette, instituting mandatory breakfasts on game days during road trips to ensure everyone is present and accounted for (but mostly, as Matt Kalman puts it, just to make sure nobody is hung over). In 2011, when Seguin missed one such breakfast, it became cause for alarm. (I'm hilarious.)
Seguin was quick to blame it on his phone's alarm, but unfortunately, because this occurred in the pre-iOs7 days, no one bought it.
Just kidding. The real reason no one bought it was because he claimed his alarm was set to Boston time. However, the team was in Winnepeg, so if Seguin's alarm was set to Boston time, he would have been an hour early to breakfast, not an hour late.
Chad Johnson has said and done a lot of memorable things in his life, most of which are humiliating.
But none was more humiliating than the time he claimed there were 51 states in America.
When his career was still alive, the former NFL wide receiver was very proud of his self-proclaimed unmatched skills. He thought he was the best, and he wouldn't let anyone tell him differently. So perhaps that's why he wanted to travel to 51 states in search of the one person who could stop him—he just wanted to make absolutely sure it wasn't possible.
No, we haven't ever seen dinosaurs with our own eyes. Still, most of us on the planet earth are pretty accepting of the fact that they once existed.
Carl Everett is not one of those people.
The former major leaguer and extremely devout Christian takes the Bible at face value. Whatever the Bible says, goes. There is no gray area. Therefore, according to Everett, dinosaurs never existed because they're not mentioned in the Bible.
I'll let Carl take it from here:
God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve. The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex.
Not knowing which teams are in your division is one thing. Not knowing the rules of the game that you are paid millions of dollars to play is rough.
I'm not talking about rules like the dumb pushing rule that cost the Patriots a win against the Jets a couple of weeks ago. I'm talking straight-up overtime rules.
Donovan McNabb—who, at the time, had been in the league for a decade—was unfamiliar with them. Thus, in 2008, McNabb's mind was blown when the game in which he was playing ended in a tie. He didn't know it was possible.
Really, who remembers anything from elementary school? Who was even paying attention?
Clearly, not Mike Cameron.
The former Mets outfielder was apparently super bored in his early astronomy and planetary sciences classes, because according to him, all living things pre-1500 had to find a way to live without the aid of the sun.
Cameron, when discussing the challenges of playing defense at Shea Stadium, blamed the sun—which, according to him, "has been there for 500, 600 years."
Overcoming adversity? A really solid accomplishment. Overcoming diversity? Um.
Forward Drew Gooden has had to work hard to keep his NBA career chugging along. He hasn't been able to stick with any one team for more than a few years, and he has constantly had to prove himself, again and again.
It has been trying, at times. He has had to overcome a lot.
He has not, however, had to overcome diversity. But that didn't stop him from saying he had to.
When you're an NFL quarterback, there's a lot on your mind. When you're a rookie NFL quarterback, there's even more on your mind.
Unfortunately for Ryan Tannehill, he got caught on camera looking pretty uninformed when the Dolphins made the mistake of appearing on HBO's Hard Knocks before his rookie season.
Tannehill and backup QB Matt Moore were sitting around, talking about which of the Dolphins' games would be most important in the upcoming season, when Tannehill revealed he had no idea which teams were in which conferences and divisions.
His explanation for the gaffe? "I wasn't a huge pro fan growing up…so I don't really know the divisions, and even really the conferences."
It's a tired refrain at this point: Ryan Lochte is really dumb. No, like, really dumb. In fact, there is an entire video on YouTube dedicated to his greatest hits, and it has over 3 million hits.
Is he faking it? Does he have Jessica Simpson Syndrome? Does he think it's cute to be this challenged?
Because really, what other possible explanation is there for the fact that he thinks seven times four is 21?
The Colts registered a hard-earned victory over Peyton Manning and the Denver Broncos a couple of weeks ago.
The stakes were high. The Colts were gunning to become the first team to take down the mighty Broncos this year. They were determined to ruin Manning's homecoming to the city where he spent the first 14 years of his career. And the little Colts that could succeeded, by all accounts.
Until after the game, when Colts cornerback Vontae Davis told television reporters that his team prepared hard to face…Tom Brady.