May 22nd Houston Sports FaF Smear (and the NBA Hype Machine)

Captain Obvious is here to save the day!

2 Dudes, 1 Basket

Psssssssst…  I’m going to tell you a secret.  You have to promise you’re not going to tell anyone though… Ok?

LeBron James and Kobe Bryant might face-off in the NBA Championships!  Seriously!  I am not joshin’ you.  I am not pulling your leg.  I’m not even fucking with you (that would require a whole bunch of effort and foreplay and stuff).

Is it exciting or terrifying that Fourth and Fifty is the first to bring this fact to your attention?  I’m leaning toward terrifyingly excited!  Super-mega-uber-page views are in our future.  This is the break-through that we’ve been waiting for… screw getting served, getting reamed on the radio or being linked to by big sports blogs.  FaF is going to make ESPN, FoxSports AND Good Morning America with this revelation.

Let me break this down for you.  IF the Los Angeles Lakers beat the Denver Nuggets AND IF the Cleveland Cavaliers beat the Orlando Magic THEN Kobe Bryant and LeBron James will battle for the Larry O’Brien Trophy.  That’s a pretty complicated “If/Then” statement, but I deal with Microsoft Excel everyday.  I’m more than qualified to dissect that logic equation.

For some reason nobody has caught on to this yet.  ESPN has yet done a 23 vs. 24 biopic about how the Black Mamba and King James are friends yet mortal combatants on the basketball court.  I’m thinking that they need to get a big name to narrate the documentary… how about Justin Timberlake?  BLAMMO!  Terrific idea.  ESPN, you can thank me in the credits (and with one million dollars).

Nike endorses and dresses both players.  Even they haven’t clued in.  Let me reach into my vast advertising-ideas well and pull out gold again… Nike, I say you have to take a different direction.  Kobe and Lebron are roommates.  You with me?  BUT! (that’s a million dollar “but”) BUT!  They are both puppets!  Dude!  Puppets!!  Kobe and LeBron are Bert and Ernie!  You can do one about how Kobe’s already won three championships.  One can focus on LeBron being overly excited to be so close to his first ring.  Stick with me here Phil Knight, I have an idea about filming one where Kobe writes over LeBron’s game tape with his own promotional video. (And, if I were you, Phil, I would go ahead and sponsor my above idea to ESPN.  Just for posterity’s sake.)

Vitamin Water, don’t think I’ve overlooked you Glaceau (Coca-Cola, but who’s counting…)!  You need to do a TV spot where it seems like you’re interviewing people on the street (they’re really actors, shhhhh) debating if Kobe or LeBron is better.  Vitamin Water would get mad props (has anyone said that since the 2000’s started?) from the people you’re trying to relate to.  “Vitamin Water really understands my water cooler talk at the office,” will be the notion running through everyone’s head.  Bring the party to facebook and then everyone will start debating.

None of you have to thank me outright.  It’s just a pleasure being able to help out the American economy in any way that I possibly can.  If the only way I can do that is to shill the products of way-too-big corporations, so be it.  If you so choose you can send me cash or cashier’s check, free products, an entire harem… or, just be my friend on facebook.