If you love the idea of Borussia Dortmund's Henrikh Mkhitaryan being compared to a "backside on a bucket," then this could be the slideshow for you.
The 2013/14 season may still be young but it has already yielded a plethora of crazy quotes.
From Pepe Reina's strange choice in sleepwear to Stefan Kiessling comparing the World Cup to "damp cheese" and the Russian striker who always scores on his grandmother's birthday, read on to see 20 of the strangest quotes from the season so far.
Stefan Kiessling has not played for Germany since the 2010 World Cup.
The Bayer Leverkusen striker was the top scorer in the Bundesliga last season with 25 goals. This season he has already scored five in eight games.
After being continuously overlooked, the 29-year-old has vowed never to play for his country while Joachim Low is in charge, as seen on ESPNfc.com.
And in August he came up with this memorable line, published on Sports.ndtv.com: "At the moment, I've as much interest in the World Cup as damp cheese."
We're still trying to work out Kiessling's true feelings on cheese—damp or otherwise.
Pepe Reina recently put an end to Mario Balotelli's faultless penalty record.
I wear very special pyjamas now.
It is made up of the Milan shirt Balotelli was wearing when I saved his penalty and some Napoli shorts.
After saving the penalty, I couldn't resist asking him for his jersey, as it was an historic event. He gave it to me and I brought it here to create an unusual pyjama kit.
Fulham manager Martin Jol is a man under pressure.
Following last month's 1-1 draw against West Bromwich Albion, shouts of "Jol out" were heard from sections of the normally affable Craven Cottage support.
The Dutchman responded, as seen in Paul Doyle's Guardian report, by comparing demanding fans to women. Well, we think that's what he was driving at.
Over to you, Martin:
If we were bottom of the league I would understand it, but we are 12th and unfortunate not to have six points.
It is a bit like with women. If you expect too much, you could wake up in the morning and be in for a big shock.
Mesut Ozil—phenomenal player, Premier League buy of the season and purveyor of odd tweets.
It must have been a boring night in Madrid on August 19. We can only imagine that Ozil was daydreaming and perhaps contemplating a move to London when he Instagrammed this picture of two Super Mario toys, via his Twitter account, accompanied by the words: "I take care of you."
One of the shortest quotes in the selection, it's up there as one of the strangest.
The prize, which is awarded to the world's best player on an annual basis, has been won by Lionel Messi for the last four years running.
But Ben Arfa believes that one day the title will be his. He was quoted on FIFA.com, as saying:
I know some will think that I'm mad, but I still dream of the Ballon d'Or. I'm convinced it's still possible. I still believe that one day I'll be the best player in the world. In 20 or 30 years, I want my name to be mentioned alongside those of Platini, Zidane, Pele and Maradona.
Receiving a bottle of champagne for a man-of-the-match performance is just so old-fashioned. Why not offer a bikini car wash for star performers instead?
That's exactly what NEC Nijmegen did this season to get the best out of their players.
Victor Palsson, 22, was the first recipient of the prize following a preseason friendly against Osasuna.
The former Liverpool youth team player took to Twitter with the picture above, saying: "Thanks @NEC_Nijmegen for this MOTM prize. The car has never been cleaner."
At the time of writing, the Dutch side are on the bottom of the Eredivisie after picking up four points from nine games.
Beautiful, young eggs.
Eggs that need a Mum - in this case, a Dad - to take care of them, to keep them warm during the winter, to bring the blanket and work and improve them.
And one day the moment will arrive when the weather changes, the sun rises, you break the eggs and the eggs are ready to go for life at the top level.
This was actually the second time the Portuguese manager has compared his team to eggs. Six years earlier, he had used the analogy of "class one" eggs to complain about the quality of players available to him at the time, as seen on the BBC Sport website.
Some players have lucky shin pads and others have superstitious routines, but for Alexander Kerzhakov one thing is certain to result in goals—his grandmother's birthday.
The Zenit St. Petersburg and Russia striker, who has scored 128 career goals in 310 matches, was going through a barren period at the start of the season—the 30-year-old had not scored since November 2012.
Until he faced Nordsjaelland in the Champions League on July 30.
"I was always confident that I would score," he told the club's official website.
"Maybe I wasn't so sure that I would get a lot of playing time. But it was my grandmother's birthday, and I always score on her birthday."
Opponents, you have been warned.
In August, club owner Assem Allam rescued Hull City from the embarrassment of being saddled with a "common" name.
Or something to that effect.
Hull City Association Football Club, as it had been known since 1904, would be changed to Hull City Tigers, or simply Hull Tigers to attract international fans.
Allam gave a lesson in how to win friends in East Yorkshire, in this interview with the Hull Daily Mail.
Hull City is irrelevant.
My dislike for the work 'City' is because it is common.
City is also associated with Leicester, Bristol, Manchester and many other clubs.
In the commercial world, the shorter the name, the better. The more it can spread quickly.
It is about identity. City is a lousy identity. Hull City Association Football Club is so long.
Perhaps it's working—Hull currently sit above Manchester United in the Premier League.
After missing a penalty, scoring a goal in the 91st minute and getting sent off after remonstrating with the match officials, what more could Mario Balotelli do to make an impression on AC Milan's 2-1 loss against Napoli?
Well, by apologising (kind of) with this gem, as seen on Goal.com: "Mario got it wrong and Mario apologises, but I don’t want to apologise to everyone because it's not as if I killed someone."
Fiorentina manager Vincenzo Montella came up with a novel way to explain David Pizarro's sending-off in the Europa League this month.
Montella's side were facing Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk in Poland, where they won 2-1. Pizarro was sent off in the 87th minute for a second bookable offence that resulted in a penalty for the hosts; his first had been handling the ball in the area.
But, according to Montella, it was a harsh decision considering the T-Rex-like proportions of the midfielder's arms. On football-italia.net, he said:
We were told by the referees that it’s a handling offence only if the player moves towards the ball or at least increases the size of his body. Pizarro has little arms, so I’m not sure how much he could increase that...
Following a 5-1 trouncing at home to Hoffenheim in August, Hamburg goalkeeper Rene Adler did something rather strange.
Some keepers might have blamed their defence, bemoaned their side's tactics or tried to pass the buck.
However, Adler just said this: "To our fans, I'm sorry you had to pay money for this sh*t. It was an absolute disaster, a disastrous performance from everyone who was involved."
As seen on FIFA.com.
Refreshingly honest, don't you think?
According to a story reported by the Observer's David Hills, Rapid Bucharest striker Daniel Pancu was hospitalised this week after a demonstration of English headers.
The incident was said to happen on a night out with former West Bromwich Albion defender Gabriel Tamas.
"It was just a misunderstanding," said Pancu. "He offered to show me his technique for how he used to win headers in England, then he elbowed me in the face."
Tamas has previously been involved in a drinking incident. In 2011 he and Romanian national side teammate Adrian Mutu were banned after being caught out on a night of drinking, as reported in the Telegraph.
A month later, Tamas also received a three-match ban in the Premier League for elbowing Norwich defender James Vaughan, reported here in the Daily Mail.
This week Tamas' father, Joseph, said: "Gabi likes to drink. I've hired a bodyguard to go out with him, to stop him causing nonsense."
Cult Everton hero Neville Southall pulled no punches during preseason when asked his views on a story linking Joey Barton with a move to Goodison Park.
Barton, who had reportedly shown an interest in moving to the Merseyside club from Queens Park Rangers, was compared to Forrest Gump by the former stopper.
Southall told talkSPORT, via the Independent:
I think they have already got a kitman.
What is he going to add to Everton? He might be a half-decent player at times but, if he was that good, Harry Redknapp would be begging him to stay at QPR.
I don't see how he will fit into Everton's style of play. He ain't the best passer in the world.
Yes he is fit and runs up and down all day but Forrest Gump did that as well didn't he?
Boateng had impressed Klopp when he spent six months on loan with BVB in 2009, but signed for their archrivals in August after three years with AC Milan. Klopp said, via Goal.com:
He was a good guy until this morning.
I wrote him a text message: 'Why Schalke????????' I'm really surprised.
At 11.01 am I wrote that to Boateng, with eight question marks.
But I got no response. Do not be ashamed, it's ok.
Boateng responded with: "Many people thought it was funny, but I didn't," he told Sport-Bild, via FourFourTwo. "Even if 'Kloppo' and I have a good relationship, he's not going to hear me say a bad word about him, but this press conference surprised me."
Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew made a strange claim about the man who keeps him in employment this week.
In an interview on Goals on Sunday, as reported by Skysports.com, it sounded like Pardew was talking about an elderly relative when he described club owner Mike Ashley:
He loves football but he sometimes can't understand how it works and it confuses and upsets him, and when he is upset he does things that aren't brilliant for the football club.
We're still waiting to hear if Ashley, who has owned the club since 2007, is "confused and upset" about Pardew's comments.
When Borussia Dortmund signed Henrikh Mkhitaryan from Shakhtar Donetsk over the summer, who knew that he was going to fit into his new team so quickly?
The midfielder was also being tracked by Liverpool, but Dortmund snapped up the Armenian for just over €27 million.
During preseason, manager Jurgen Klopp remarked that the 24-year-old "fits in here like a fist in your eye or a backside on a bucket," as seen on Worldsoccer.com.
Proving that it's never too early to issue one of the quotes of the season.
Harry Redknapp is never short of a quote or two. This is not necessarily a good thing, as we saw with the recent launch of his autobiography, Always Managing.
In it, the former Spurs boss recounts memorable episodes in his life like getting duped by a bogus jockey and naming a Monaco bank account after his dog, Rosie. You couldn't make this stuff up.
The book has been serialised in (where else?) the Daily Mail, with one the strangest accounts being Redknapp's obvious bitterness at getting snubbed for the role of England manager.
I wouldn't trust the FA to show me a good manager if their lives depended on it. How would they know? What clubs have they ever run? Who do they speak to who really knows the game?
This isn't about them giving the England job to me or Roy Hodgson, but English football being run by people who really haven't got a clue. And they get to pick the England manager!
Everyone said I was the people's choice, the only choice. All the senior players seemed to be up for me to get the job. I got quite a few text messages at the time from players saying they would love me to manage England: Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry.
But the FA went for Roy Hodgson to be the England manager — a man who is more their cup of tea.
And, with that, Redknapp put an end to any future aspirations of managing his country. We can all breathe a sigh of relief.
Lothar Matthaus—former Germany captain, World Cup winner, Ballon d'Or recipient and definitely not dead.
In one of the most bizarre stories you're ever likely to see, Matthaus recently had to announce that he was still alive, despite reports that suggested otherwise.
German authorities had been trying to contact the 52-year-old with court papers regarding alimony payments to his ex-wife. When they couldn't get in touch with the former Bayern Munich and Inter Milan man, his papers were stamped "deceased."
In an interview with Bild, via the Independent, Matthaus said: "That is outrageous. Everyone can see that I am alive, whether on TV or on the pitch."
Image from NBCMiami.com
In one of the best stories of the season so far, Sampdoria were shocked last month to find Genoa youth team coach Luca De Pra, hiding in bushes and spying on one of their training sessions while dressed in full camouflage gear.
As Gazzetta Dello Sport reported, via the Guardian: "Fans at the training session alerted staff after spotting movement in the small woodland area next to the pitch. Two members of staff gave chase and later found the intruder hiding behind a tree, dressed in full military attire."
Just when you thought it couldn't get any better, Sampdoria release the following statement:
That the derby is a question of nerve, tactics and strategy we already knew, but frankly we could never expect that it could turn into an scene of espionage.
Like Rambo hidden among the branches on the hill, Luca De Pra, Genoa goalkeeping coach and man of noble footballing ancestry, failed to overcome Sampdoria's intelligence and counter intelligence operations.
However, no prisoners were taken, and no blood was shed. Once tracked down and caught red-handed, the opposing side's soldier was let free to return to base. You should always forgive your enemies, as nothing annoys them more.
Genoa insisted that De Pra was working alone and released a statement of their own: "No director or member of the coaching staff sent Luca De Pra to watch the training session at Bogliasco. It was a personal initiative. This has never been done before and is not part of the club's modus operandi."