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| 1. | Miami—Michael Beasley, Kansas State. In a shocking move, the Dolphins select Beasley, citing that "if we didn't get him, some NBA team would." Dolphins fans are enraged, but feel this was still a better pick than Ted Ginn Jr. | ||
| 2. | St. Louis—Chris Long, Michigan. Getting a big, bruising offensive tackle was very important for the Rams. With Long in the fold, Marc Bulger will have even more time to think about which defensive back he'll be intercepted by. | ||
| 3. | Atlanta—Vernon Gholston, Ohio State: In a preemptive move of pity, the Falcons take Gholston to finally give Buckeye fans something to cheer about. This move is made with the understanding that Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno will combine for 500 yards of offense as Georgia defeats Ohio State 55-7 in the 2009 BCS Title Game. | ||
| 4. | Oakland—Chris Long, Michigan. After being told Long is already off the board, owner Al Davis accuses the NFL of plotting against him once again. A battle between Davis and Roger Goodell ensues until Ed Hochuli comes and tells Davis he's "had enough of this crap." Hochuli then decides to make Oakland's pick for them and selects DeSean Jackson. Raider Nation is infuriated and rushes the stage, but, being Ed Hochuli, he fights off every one of them (even this guy) with his own two hands. | ||
| 5. | Kansas City—Darren McFadden, Arkansas. The Chiefs are doing a massive remodeling of Arrowhead Stadium, and McFadden can help. Why? Because he's got dat wood. In a bout of gloating ecstasy, Nutt e-mails Lou Holtz this, telling Holtz he should quit analyzing football and stick to dancing in music videos. However, Holtz, feeling delightfully evil, replies to Nutt with this. Ouch. | ||
| 6. | New York Jets—Jake Long, Virginia. The Jets draft Long with the knowledge that, one day, he'll make a hell of a Redskin. | ||
| 7. | New England—Curtis Gatewood, Vanderbilt. A surprise pick here that raises some eyebrows. As more information comes out, it becomes apparent that the Bills were planning on taking Gatewood with their fourth-round pick, and rumors have it that the Patriots bugged the Bills' War Room. The ensuing controversy is called "The Well-Krafted War." Duh. | ||
| 8. | Baltimore—Ryan Clady, Boise State. In an effort to jump-start their offense, the Ravens decide to add some trick plays into their playbook. They figure Clady knows something about that, but unfortunately, they forget that he's an offensive lineman. Despite that, Clady will end up throwing six incomplete passes and rushing 14 times for a grand total of 1.3 yards on the year. He's declared a major bust by the Ravens front office. | ||
| 9. | Cincinnati—Aqib Talib, Kansas. You gotta admire Cincinnati's persistence, as character concerns have dropped Talib much farther down in the draft. While Talib may clean up his act after entering the NFL, he's probably on the USA's "Terrorist Watch List" just because of his ethnic-sounding name, so one mention of weed in a casual conversation will probably le |
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