Ah, it's that time of year again. Major League Baseball is getting into the swing of things, the NHL and NBA are entering playoff mode, and college basketball has just wrapped up another exciting season.
So, you know what that means:
All NFL Draft coverage, all the time.
Well, I'm sick of it, so I'm vowing not to watch a single minute of pre-draft coverage on ESPN.
However, this doesn't mean I can avoid the mock drafts. There have been a lot of good ones on this site, but I've also read my fair share of pretty bad ones that get the classic anonymous comments of "wow, you're an idiot" or personal insults that are much, much harsher.
This is my 2008 NFL Mock Draft, that has absolutely no factual basis behind it and it meant to be purely fictional. So, don't say that "you're an idiot for having x player going to y team, because that's the point.
Without further ado, here's my 2008 NFL Mock Draft:
| 1. | Miami—Michael Beasley, Kansas State. In a shocking move, the Dolphins select Beasley, citing that "if we didn't get him, some NBA team would." Dolphins fans are enraged, but feel this was still a better pick than Ted Ginn Jr. | ||
| 2. | St. Louis—Chris Long, Michigan. Getting a big, bruising offensive tackle was very important for the Rams. With Long in the fold, Marc Bulger will have even more time to think about which defensive back he'll be intercepted by. | ||
| 3. | Atlanta—Vernon Gholston, Ohio State: In a preemptive move of pity, the Falcons take Gholston to finally give Buckeye fans something to cheer about. This move is made with the understanding that Matt Stafford and Knowshon Moreno will combine for 500 yards of offense as Georgia defeats Ohio State 55-7 in the 2009 BCS Title Game. | ||
| 4. | Oakland—Chris Long, Michigan. After being told Long is already off the board, owner Al Davis accuses the NFL of plotting against him once again. A battle between Davis and Roger Goodell ensues until Ed Hochuli comes and tells Davis he's "had enough of this crap." Hochuli then decides to make Oakland's pick for them and selects DeSean Jackson. Raider Nation is infuriated and rushes the stage, but, being Ed Hochuli, he fights off every one of them (even this guy) with his own two hands. | ||
| 5. | Kansas City—Darren McFadden, Arkansas. The Chiefs are doing a massive remodeling of Arrowhead Stadium, and McFadden can help. Why? Because he's got dat wood. In a bout of gloating ecstasy, Nutt e-mails Lou Holtz this, telling Holtz he should quit analyzing football and stick to dancing in music videos. However, Holtz, feeling delightfully evil, replies to Nutt with this. Ouch. | ||
| 6. | New York Jets—Jake Long, Virginia. The Jets draft Long with the knowledge that, one day, he'll make a hell of a Redskin. | ||
| 7. | New England—Curtis Gatewood, Vanderbilt. A surprise pick here that raises some eyebrows. As more information comes out, it becomes apparent that the Bills were planning on taking Gatewood with their fourth-round pick, and rumors have it that the Patriots bugged the Bills' War Room. The ensuing controversy is called "The Well-Krafted War." Duh. | ||
| 8. | Baltimore—Ryan Clady, Boise State. In an effort to jump-start their offense, the Ravens decide to add some trick plays into their playbook. They figure Clady knows something about that, but unfortunately, they forget that he's an offensive lineman. Despite that, Clady will end up throwing six incomplete passes and rushing 14 times for a grand total of 1.3 yards on the year. He's declared a major bust by the Ravens front office. | ||
| 9. | Cincinnati—Aqib Talib, Kansas. You gotta admire Cincinnati's persistence, as character concerns have dropped Talib much farther down in the draft. While Talib may clean up his act after entering the NFL, he's probably on the USA's "Terrorist Watch List" just because of his ethnic-sounding name, so one mention of weed in a casual conversation will probably lead to 50 feds and a swat team at his door within minutes. | ||
| 10. | New Orleans—Terrelle Pryor, Ohio State. Keeping with the theme of southern sports teams sticking it to Ohio State, the Saints break a slew of NFL rules and steal Pryor away from the Buckeyes. Michigan fans rejoice, but are quickly brought back down to earth by the fact that THEY LOST TO APPALACHIAN STATE last year. | ||
| 11. | Buffalo—Matt Ryan, Boston College. Since the Bills love screwing J.P. Losman over, they decide to add another quarterback to their system by taking Ryan. Losman drops to third on the depth chart behind Trent Edwards and Ryan, but quickly becomes the best "water-getter" Dick Jauron has ever had. | ||
| 12. | Denver—Glenn Dorsey, LSU. The Broncos quickly trade Dorsey to Cleveland and then trade for him back just so they can have another ex-Brown on their defensive line. | ||
| 13. | Carolina—Phillip Merling, Clemson. I have no clue what the Panthers draft needs are, so why not? His name kind of sounds like Merlin, so maybe he can magically turn Jake Delhomme back into a decent quarterback. | ||
| 14. | Chicago—Jerod Mayo, Tennessee. The Bears need wide receivers, a running back, and a quarterback, so taking a linebacker here makes perfect sense for Jerry Angelo. | ||
| 15. | Detroit—Jonathan Papelbon, Boston Red Sox—In a brilliant move of cross-promotion, the Lions draft Papelbon and give him to the Tigers, who desperately need more pitching if they want to contend in the American League Central. In return, the Tigers send Brandon Inge to the Lions. After all, if Inge can play third base, catcher, and all three outfield positions, why can't he play strong safety? | ||
| 16. | Arizona—Tony La Russa, St. Louis Cardinals. Did I just make two baseball picks in a row? Oh well. La Russa will come over to Arizona and promptly find a way to micromanage the NFL's Cardinals by putting the right-handed Kurt Warner in against a predominantly right-handed defense and the left-handed Matt Leinart in against a predominantly left-handed defense. The Cardinals ultimately finish the year 2-14. | ||
| 17. | Minnesota—Ernest Wheelwright, Minnesota. The Vikings' plan is to confuse defenses by yelling "Wheelwright" a lot, making them think that Minnesota will be running a wheel play to the right. Instead, it'll just be Travaris Jackson throwing an incomplete pass, but hey, at least they'll have got into the heads of a defense. | ||
| 18. | Houston—Brian Brohm, Louisville. Immediately after his selection, Brohm quits football and goes to live on the mean streets of New York City, citing the fact that "The Bronx is still safer than the pocket with the Texans." | ||
| 19. | Philadelphia—Charlie Day, Paddy's Irish Pub. If you've never watched It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, then I apologize for you not getting the reference. | ||
| 20. | Tampa Bay—Martin Rucker, Missouri. You know what? I just wanted T-Ruck to go in the first round. Sue me. | ||
| 21. | Washington—Felix Jones, Arkansas. Jones and current Redskins running back Clinton Portis seem to be similar players, except Jones has never taken his mom to his high school prom. | ||
| 22. | Dallas—Colt Brennan, Hawaii. This pick was made just in case Terrell Owens starts complaining about Tony Romo just to show him that it could be much, much worse. | ||
| 23. | Pittsburgh—Keith Rivers, USC. hhhmmm. Scouts Inc. has him rated as the No. 8 player in the draft. What he's doing available at the 23rd pick is beyond me. | ||
| 24. | Tennessee—Fred Davis, USC. Davis was coached by Pete Carroll, who probably will find a way to channel some inner spirit into Davis that allows him to catch 100 passes for 1,200 yards and 25 touchdowns. He's Pete Carroll, he can probably do it. | ||
| 25. | Seattle–Durant Brooks, Georgia Tech. The Seahawks were coaxed into doing this by the Sonics management, which was sick of taking flack for "Durant not being in Seattle for much longer." | ||
| 26. | Jacksonville—Brandon Albert, Virginia. I don't know much about Albert, but he's rated pretty high and the more blocking that Maurice Jones-Drew gets, the more awesome, exciting 77-yard runs he'll get. It's a win-win for anybody who doesn't play Jacksonville. | ||
| 27. | San Diego—Trevor Hoffman, San Diego Padres. My second-to-last baseball one, I promise. The Chargers are known for choking in big situations, so they draft Hoffman just to have somebody to confide in who knows what it's like to blow big games over and over again. | ||
| 28. | Dallas—Andre Woodson, Kentucky. A bad Botox injection causes Jerry Jones to lose his mind on draft day, which then leads to Jones drafting two quarterbacks in the first round. His reasoning went something like this. | ||
| 29. | San Francisco—Barry Bonds, Outcast. Since no MLB team will take a flier on him because of the mass media firestorm he'd create in the clubhouse, the 49ers take him with the 29th overall pick. Pedro Gomez immediately pulls himself out of the gutter he's been living in since Bonds has been out of baseball and promptly reports to San Francisco to ask Bonds about his helmet size. | ||
| 30. | Green Bay—Chad Henne, Michigan. The Packers hire Ashton Kutcher to hide at Aaron Rodgers' house and, after the selection of Henne, jump out and yell "YOU JUST GOT PUNK'D!" at Rodgers. In a fit of rage, Rodgers punches Kutcher in the throat, rendering his vocal cords useless and doing a massive service to the United States of America. | ||
31.
32. | New England—As added punishment for "Spygate," the NFL orders New England to watch David Tyree's catch on a constant loop for fifteen minutes until the Giants make their pick. New York Giants—Mario Manningham, Michigan. This is the guy the Patriots probably would have picked with the 31st overall selection, so the Giants take him just to rub it in a little more that they handed New England their only loss of the year.
|
comments (58) write a comment »
write a new comment
5 months ago
One of the best articles I've read.. awesome.
5 months ago
You got one thing wrong U IDIOT. Brandon Inge would be a wide receiver, the lions wouldn't use a first round pick on anything else :)
from 5 months ago
My mistake. Maybe they'll draft Inge as a SS, then convert him to a WR because, you know, defense doesn't matter.
from 5 months ago
As long as he ends up a WR, sounds like a Lions draft to me.
from 5 months ago
To add to that: A Lions WR who ends up out of the league or dropping passes within two years.
Or refers to himself as "The Legend." Whatever.
from 5 months ago
i like what your saying.
5 months ago
Ditto Chris. I was trying to gargle mouth wash while reading... My wall is now the color of Natural Citrus Listerine.
from 5 months ago
I'll pay to re-paint your wall if I win the tickets. :-)
5 months ago
"He's Pete Carroll, he can probably do it." Correction: He's Pete Caroll, he CAN do it.
from 5 months ago
Considering that you and Pete Carroll are the same person, basically, it wouldn't surprise me if you were right.
5 months ago
Awesome Article JJ, really clever!
Did you know Ed Hochuli is a lawyer in the off season? True story!
from 5 months ago
He's a scary dude. He did an Eagles game I was at and he's even bigger in person. A lot of refs are lawyers, though.
from 5 months ago
Now I want to commit a crime just so I can hire Hochuli to be my lawyer.
[Just kidding, for all you law enforcement personnel out there]
from 5 months ago
Yeah i heard there are a lot of lawyers as refs, but someone should check Hochuli for 'roids that dude is huge! Great great article by the way, I laughed a lot during it...this is getting my pick of the day :)
5 months ago
Great article JJ. Your overall pop culture and sports realted knowledge makes for an entertaining read.
5 months ago
pretty funny, I must admit, but enough with the Buckeyes bashing....not cool at all.
from 5 months ago
If you notice, I threw in a little dig against Michigan, too. I could care less about either team, in all honesty.
5 months ago
This was so ridiculously fantastic that I have absolutely nothing to say. I'm speechless. That's how fantastic that was.
from 5 months ago
That means a lot coming from somebody who spent so much time working on a legit mock draft. Thanks for the pick, too!
5 months ago
The icing on the cake for me was the Patriot's pick. Great article, certainly made me laugh out loud.
from 5 months ago
I figure most Giants fans would like that one.
A friend said I should have gone with Steve Spielberg for the Pats first pick because "At least the Patriots would have somebody credible working their cameras."
5 months ago
hope you win the tickets dude. BASH the BUCKEYES!
from 5 months ago
Haha, thanks Joe, but as I said earlier, I really don't care about the whole Bucks/Michigan rivalry. I care more about Mizzou/kansas...
5 months ago
LOL. Good article. Got your Long's mixed up though. Jake Long is the Michigan OL, and Chris Long is the DL from Virginia. Unless this is some other bit of humor. For example, Al Davis drafts Jake Long thinking he's Howie's boy...
from 5 months ago
Hey, it's not the least-knowledgeable mock draft for nothin'...
5 months ago
Nice job JJ ... might have a winner here.
from 5 months ago
Thanks Chris...pass this along to anybody you know if you really think it's that good. I'm trolling for hits, basically.
5 months ago
hahahahahahaha
Finally, someone with a sense of humor
One problem...the Jets would never make an astute pick such as Jake Long
from 5 months ago
Hey, in a draft where Michael Beasley, Jonathan Papelbon, Trevor Hoffman, and Barry Bonds get taken, anything can happen...thanks for the read, John!
5 months ago
nice article, but you got the longs backwards... jake went to michigan, chris went to virginia
from 5 months ago
I know, Greg. It's part of the joke. I'm surprised it took over half a day for somebody to catch it!
5 months ago
Man, I hope the Lions draft Pappelbon, screw it, he will probably end up like all the rest of the Lions draft picks, out of the league in 2 years. Great article!!
from 5 months ago
Hahahahaha, thanks man. Also, the Tigers need pitchers, and you and your 7+ ERA might be well-suited for that staff...
5 months ago
Love the Bonds to San Fran reference. Outcast! LOL
Great work.
from 5 months ago
Haha, thanks Divya!
5 months ago
Dude, the Gatewood and Wheelwright parts were genius. Absolutely hilarious!
And as far as the Longs go, at least here -- in this mock draft -- poor Chris Long gets to avoid Oakland. And Al Davis I mean, if Oakland were to draft Long, what are the odds Davis walks up, slaps his ass, and says "Great game today Howie!" after the end of every game this season... with Chris just blankly staring at him as he walks away? Davis is so far gone this exchange could actually happen, right?
All I know is that Vegas wouldn't touch the odds for this thing... and Chris is in for some awkward moments if he gets drafted by the Silver & Black.
from 5 months ago
Maybe he's make it another one of those "NFL against Al" conspiracies where he accuses the league of sending him Howie Long's son instead of the real Howie Long...
5 months ago
Whoops...meant "he'd" make it...duh.
5 months ago
By the way, a late thanks to everyone who has made this my most-read article on the site!
5 months ago
Best article I've read on Bleacher Report since joining a few days ago. Well done. If this in the NFL Draft Coverage contest, it better win.
from 5 months ago
Ha, thanks man—I can only hope. Welcome to BR!
5 months ago
Great article, I commend u JJ
from 5 months ago
Thanks for the pick, Scott!
5 months ago
I wish I hadn't already used my pick of the day. One of the best I have ever read! I love the Gomez reference. He has been mighty quiet post-Bonds. Al Davis is a bumbling idiot hahaha.
from 5 months ago
Thanks Jacob! Yeah, I haven't seen Gomez on ESPN since, what, September? Oh well. I guess it's not his fault he got to cover one of the biggest nutjobs (sans Davis) in sports.
5 months ago
Definitely really funny, I liked it a lot, I was about to do my own "mock draft" like this, but then read yours and realized that I couldn't even come close to matching it. VERY GOOD!!
from 5 months ago
Doesn't hurt to try, Kyle, but thanks for the props!
5 months ago
How the heck did I miss this.. I might have not shammed myself with my attempt had I seen this.
Now JJ, this is funny and all. But you could have just made the Always Sunny reference and I'd have given you 50 bonus points.
from 5 months ago
Ah, your attempt was pretty funny as well.
And I could quote Sunny all day. Is he a player? Is he a player? AAAGH! I HATE PLAYERS!
5 months ago
haha i just read a couple of the draft picks, pretty creative stuff. I like Miami drafting beasley. pretty good stuff lol
from 5 months ago
Hey, as I said, he'd probably be a better first-round pick than Ted Ginn Jr...thanks for reading, Kosty!
5 months ago
mad funny, but u reversed jake and chris long
from 5 months ago
All part of the joke, Christopher. All part of the joke.
5 months ago
is it just me or does "this guy" from the raiders pick look like Alice Cooper?
5 months ago
*Alice Cooper with a mohawk*
from 5 months ago
Alice Cooper's crazy enough to be part of the Black Hole, so maybe you're on to something...
5 months ago
Alright, let's see which picks I've got right so far:
St. Louis (I'm going to count this because I purposely mixed up the Longs)
That is all.
5 months ago
Final tally: 1/32 in the first round. Eat your heart out, Todd McShay.
write a new comment