The Top Ten
1. Miami Dolphins select Colt Brennan, quarterback from Hawaii.
The Fins have tried an array of young, skinny, semi-accurate, college quarterbacks, but they figure they have the right formula, just the wrong players and Bill Parcells firmly believes Brennan may just be the next draft jewel and is too excited to wait until day two to take him.
2. St. Louis Rams select Local Grocery Store Employee.
The Rams have only gone down hill since their last former shelf stacker left. This would bring them back to the days of being the best show on turf. Surely there are grocery store workers in the greater St. Louis area with more muscle than Marc Bulger.
3. Atlanta Falcons select Adam Sandler, quarterback from the Longest Yard.
Their last experiment with a quarterback who broke the law worked well for half a decade. The Birds figure Sandler looked better on film than any of the quarterbacks on their roster looked during the entire 2007 regular season.
4. Oakland Raiders select Rashard Mendenhall, running back from Illinois.
Everyone expects Al Davis to take a running back at this pick; they just have the wrong one in mind. Davis claims he has power runners and thus has no need for Darren McFadden. He further states that Mendenhall will be added to the team as a change of pace back to compete with the 19 other running backs already on the roster.
5. Kansas City Chiefs select Ray Rice, running back from Rutgers.
Sure they already have Larry Johnson, but the coaching staff has beat up on him so much over the past couple seasons that they need someone new to pound on. The Chief brass figures Rice was durable while in college and will last at least two seasons for them.
Today's Must Reads
6. New York Jets select Cooper Manning.
The Jets were at home eating chips and dip as the other New York team took home the big trophy last year. The J-E-T-S figure if the other two Manning brothers can win Super Bowls, it must be Cooper’s turn.
7. New England Patriots select Jake Long, offensive tackle from Michigan.
During the Super Bowl, Tom Brady realized he needed an eighth level of protection and Prince Charles always gets what he wants.
8. Baltimore Ravens select Keith Rivers, linebacker from USC.
The Ravens see that Ray Lewis is getting older and figure he needs someone to compete with at the linebacker position. Lewis does not take this kindly and quickly does his best Lance Briggs impersonation; holding out until he is given gobs of money or traded.
9. The Cincinnati Bengals trade their selection to the Tennessee Titans along with Chad
Johnson for Adam “Pacman” Jones and the Titans seventh round draft pick.The Titans select Steve Slaton, running back from West Virginia.
Head coach Jeff Fisher and company figure they are safe taking a WVU player since Pacman and Chris Henry turned out so badly for the two teams involved in the trade. Their thinking: Slaton is due to be the most moral player in the history of the NFL.
10. New Orleans Saints select Darren McFadden, running back from Arkansas.
Earlier this week, the Saints announced they were going to be able to keep Deuce McAllister for at least once more season. This means that they are going to have to draft a running back for the future to make sure that people keep forgetting what a bust Reggie Bush has turned out to be.
Other Notable Picks in the Draft
12. Denver Broncos select Felix Jones, running back from Arkansas.
Apparently Mike Shanahan was tired of molding non-first round backs into stars. He figured his job will be made easier with this pick and another trade with the Cleveland Browns for half of their defense.
14. Chicago Bears select Kevin Smith, running back from Central Florida.
The Bears have all but given up on Cedric Benson, but they make it well known that this is just a pick that will provide Benson with competition as Smith is not there to take his job. Benson is still the Bears’ franchise back.
15. Detroit Lions select DeSean Jackson, wide receiver from California.
Does this really need an explanation?
22. Dallas Cowboys select the latest version of the Pacman video game.
Hurt by the Titans not sending the person version of Pacman their way, they figure the next best thing is to get the original. They state that he could cover yellow dots like nobody’s business and they hope it will translate to on the field performance.
30. Green Bay Packers select Brett Favre’s male relative who is closest in age to play professional football.
Don’t let the Cheese Heads fool you. They don’t really believe in Aaron Rogers.
This author can be reached by e-mail at BJordan@businessofsportsnetwork.com.
comments (20) write a comment »
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4 months ago
who i wasted my time reading this piece of shit actually i only read the first line and knew is was bs. wtf would u even waste your time with this junk
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry I wasted your time. Just trying to add some humor to life. Not everything has to be serious.
4 months ago
Sorry for all of the same comment, some how my computer paused and posted all of them at a time.
4 months ago
I thought it was hilarious...
4 months ago
Why thank you Rachel.
4 months ago
Great Read! Loved the Atlanta pick! Great Job and Keep up the good work!
4 months ago
Thanks a lot Umer, I appreciate the comment.
4 months ago
Bill...did understand it all....not a football fan but thought it was humorous anyway.
4 months ago
u need to jump in a lake. reggie bush has not been a bust. he had a great first season and played hard his second season while he was hurt. Its only his third year you idiot. Great stars like Peyton manning and tom brady didnt get good over night you know
4 months ago
Not that I didn't notice your bias, remember that this is simply a humor column. I am in no way stating that Bush is not going to have a long career in the NFL. He is by no means the best thing ever to happen to the NFL like the national media claimed he would be. Injuries have made a lot of possible somebodys nobodys. I may have done things worthy of jumping in a lake during my life but poking fun at a multi-millionaire who is confident in his abilities is not one of them.
Barbara: thanks for your comment, I'm glad you let me stay dry.
4 months ago
Kevin Smith is the best running back in the draft. I believe that McFadden gained 80 yards against Mississippi and Smith put up 130, with the box stacked against the run.
4 months ago
I'm not sure that simple stat means that Smith is the best back in the draft, but I do believe that McFadden is overrated across the board.
4 months ago
I think McFadden is the best overall player in the draft, but Mendenhall or Stewart the best NFL running back in the draft. As far as Reggie Bush goes he's a wasted pick, sure he can play some WR and some RB but he doesn't do either one of them particularly well. The Panthers have a similar situation as Deangelou Williams is a waste, he isn't an NFL running back and neither is Bush.
4 months ago
Bush can't take the pounding of the NFL. Apparently he has been working out this off season to get his body ready to be a featured back next year, but seriously, his longest play from scrimmage last season was 25 yards.
25 freaking yards!!!
There is no other player in the league who could get away with that.
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