In a Perfect World: One Phoenix Suns Fan's NBA Playoff Dream
Going into tonight’s NBA regular season finale, which features 14 games, we are presented with the possibility of a four way tie in the Western Conference for the No. 3 seed.
As a very bitter and completely irrational Phoenix Suns fan, I’m having a real hard time trying to wrap my brain around tonight’s games and pending tie breaker scenarios with the hopes of figuring out who to root for and against.
It appears as if I’d be better off trying to solve Pi.
San Antonio wins tonight and they lock up the three seed. However, a Spurs loss leaves Phoenix, Utah, Houston, and San Antonio all with identical records of 55-27—leaving final playoff seeding results to the offices of David Stern and his goon, Stu Jackson.
The scenarios are aplenty and have already been beaten to death, but they look something like this: Phoenix has tie breakers over San Antonio but not Houston. San Antonio has tie breakers over Houston and Utah but not Phoenix. Utah has tie breakers over Phoenix and San Antonio (potentially) and - UGH!
My head hurts just thinking about it.
Ultimately, I’ve decided to let the chips fall where they may. Checking the tracker tonight after all the games have been concluded is the only sure fire way to find an answer.
But what fun would that be?
I’d like to assume the following will happen going into tonight’s games – that the Rockets will beat the Clippers and the Suns will handle business against the Trail Blazers (sans Grant Hill and possibly Amare Stoudemire).
Spurs vs. Jazz is the marquee matchup tonight.
The rest of the Playoff seeding will go down as follows. Write it down. Call your bookie. Lock it up.
San Antonio and Utah will go into quadruple OT in a game for the ages as two Western Conference foes decide their playoff fate.
In the process, Utah loses Carlos Boozer to a high ankle sprain in minute 67, dashing their NBA Finals hopes.
AK-47 cries after the loss.
Boozer’s surgeon will later mysteriously disappear right before Carlos’ scheduled surgery. It is later found that Gilbert Arenas was willing to pay him more for ankle surgery, and despite his verbal agreement with Boozer, Doc opts for the money.
During the fourth quarter, Robert Horry and Bruce Bowen are carted off the court with severe and career-threatening concussions after a mid-court collision.
Upon seeing this collision from across court, Manu Ginobli immediately flops – drawing a technical which subsequently causes Coach Popovich to blow an aneurysm.
Popovich’s pleas to the commissioner to coach the Spurs from his hospital bed through the playoffs are later denied. Stu Jackson is named interim head coach.
In the end—San Antonio pulls out a W at home tonight, knocking Utah down to the No. 6 seed and allowing Phoenix to draw an over-performing and anti-playoff built Houston team in the first round as the No. 5 and 4 seeds, respectively.
Meanwhile—the Dallas Mavericks drop tonight’s game to the Hornets, allowing Denver to sneak in and steal the No. 7 seed from under their nose.
The Western Conference first round match-ups feature the Lakers hosting the Mavericks, the Hornets hosting the Nuggets, the Spurs hosting the Jazz, and the Rockets hosting the Suns.
Dallas takes the Lakers to seven games before losing in the final seconds on a Dirk Nowitzki air ball. Mark Cuban’s head subsequently explodes courtside and Jason Kidd is attacked by his ex-wife at mid-court (who was in L.A. visiting Jimmy Jackson).
The Hornets go on to defeat the Nuggets in six games.
George Karl is fired after the series.
‘Melo and the Answer collaborate on a dis record aimed at Chris Paul.
Kenyon Martin stumbles through post-game interviews and eventually admits that he is illiterate.
Scandal sweeps the Cincinnati campus as NCAA investigators swarm.
The injury-devastated Jazz take the punch-less Spurs to seven games before the loss of Boozer becomes too overwhelming.
Duncan hits a record 45 glass shots en route to a Spurs first round victory.
Ginobili sets a record for 86 flops in the seven game series. 82 of them result in charging fouls.
David Stern smiles.
The Suns sweep Houston. Tracy McGrady’s picture is seen on milk boxes across the great state of Texas.
Yao eats vanilla ice cream.
The Suns go on to face an emotionally drained Lakers team, worn out from their seven-game series with the Mavericks.
The media orgy surrounding the Shaq-Kobe connection temporarily crashes ESPN.com.
Stephen A. Smith goes into convulsions on air.
The Suns front court proves too much for the Lakers as they lose to Phoenix in six games. Kobe’s MVP award is called into question by analysts around the country after Raja Bell holds him to 5-32 shooting in game six.
Pau Gasol and the Lakers' season ends in shame after bank receipts are found in Jerry West’s office by an un-named assistant. Dr. Jerry Buss is on the other end of each transaction.
The Hornets go on to host the Spurs in what proves to be one of the most bizarre playoff match-ups ever.
Tony Parker is critically wounded by Eva Longoria-Parker between games six and seven after she discovers text messages on his phone that point to an affair with Fabricio Oberto (Spurs reserve Center).
David West manages to keep Duncan in check and the Spurs implode in game seven despite an attempted comeback by Bruce Bowen, whose Mafioso-like tactics only result in cheap fouls and easy buckets for the Hornets.
The Spurs drop Game seven—and the series to the Cinderella team from New Orleans.
Robert Horry is declared a vegetable in a San Antonio hospital later in the week following his injuries from the season finale collision with Bruce Bowen.
Arizona declares the day a State Holiday.
This sets up a Western Conference Finals featuring an ‘out-of-nowhere’ New Orleans Hornets team and the ‘forever-the-bridesmaid’ Phoenix Suns.
Shaq goes into Diesel circa 2000 mode and completely clogs the paint, rendering the Hornets 1-2 punch of Chandler and West irrelevant. He averages 20 and 15 for the series.
Nash’s brilliance in the assist department trump Paul’s offensive prowess—despite Paul’s torching of Nash for an average of 40 a game. Your two-time MVP sets NBA Playoff records for assists—with 103 in five games.
Amare embarrasses the Hornets for five games, turning in the most dominant performance by a power forward in the history of the Western Conference finals.
The Hornets, out of gas from the previous series, finally run out of playoff experience and go on to drop the deciding Game five in Phoenix. Leandro Barbosa scores 62 in the route.
The Suns then go on to defeat the Boston Celtics in seven games at the Garden in a rematch of the 1976 Finals and what is instantly billed as "The Greatest NBA Finals in History."
The series features a total of six future Hall of Famers in Shaq, Nash, Amare, Garnett, Pierce, and Allen.
Doc Rivers' coaching inadequacies are exposed as D’Antoni runs circles around him in the final two games— mounting a 1-3 series comeback by the Suns.
Game five goes into triple OT and ends when Paul Pierce is T’d up for calling a time out he doesn’t have in the closing seconds. Nash hits both free throws to put the Suns up for good.
David Stern slips while handing Amare Stoudemire his NBA Finals MVP trophy. Lost in the mêlée at mid-court - Stern is never seen again.
D’Antoni goes on to win Governor of Arizona in a landslide election.
Nash cures cancer.
…In a perfect world.
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