Know Thy Enemy: A Guide to the Boston Red Sox

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Know Thy Enemy: A Guide to the Boston Red Sox
(Photo by Stephen Dunn/Getty Images)

Your mission: gather intel from behind enemy lines and use the information to ensure victory over the Boston Red Sox.

For the first time in a very long time, the Blue Jays will see themselves at the top of the standings board on the Green Monster when they face off tonight against the Boston Red Sox. As Blue Jays fans, it’s crucial for us to know what we’re getting into at Fenway Park. So to prepare for the series at hand, I present you with a love letter to the Toronto Blue Jays fans courtesy of Texy from the Boston Red Sox blog “Out in Center Field”.

So we meet again!

Fortunately for you, the faceoff is taking place at Fenway Park, so you will not have to endure the Sox fanbase in person (which we all know is made up of nothing but Massholes and pink hats). Unfortunately for you, Doc Halladay is not scheduled to pitch - we will take that gift, and in return, we will give you one Brad Penny start. You're welcome.

Half of the Sox roster (may be a slight exaggeration) is hurt or is Julio Lugo, so please don't be alarmed when you see dudes like "Jeff Bailey" or "Nick Green" or "Gil Velazquez" show up on your TV screen. They are actual baseball players, we promise. They are in no way secret robot clones we built to look like ballplayers to disguise their real mission of stealing back Kevin Millar. Seriously, give back Kevin Millar.

The Sox starting rotation has had what you might call a "rocky start" so far in 2009. For awhile, the Boston starters collectively had the worst ERA in the American League. Tim Wakefield's knuckler has done its usual brillant-or-horrifying flutter, Jon Lester's overuse in 2008 may have affected his control, Josh Beckett has looked mortal, and the freakin' World Baseball Classic ruined Daisuke Matsuzaka before the season even started. Thanks a bunch, Japan.

The other glaring problem is the lack of hits from the DH - which is troublesome, given that the sole job of the DH is to hit. However, the Boston media and fanbase has been very rational and thoughtful about this development, as usual. There has not been any kind of mass freakout at all. Of course not.

But the Sox also have two things on their side: a so-good-it's-scary bullpen (Delcarmen, Okajima, Ramirez and Papelbon) and Jason "O Canada" Bay's bat. OK, three things: we also have Dustin Pedroia's mouth. 2009 has also been kind to Jason Varitek who has managed to stay several notches above the Mendoza Line and hit several taters as well. Also, Jacoby Ellsbury is very pretty - and his 13-game hitting streak makes him even prettier right now. Dreamboat just looks at a pitched ball, and it wants to drop in for a bloop hit. He's that pretty. We may not have a shortstop, but we've got a Tiger Beat cover boy!

The big event of the week will be when Kevin Youkilis returns from the DL to wreak havoc with his bat and sweat a lot. We've missed that warthog.

I would like to make one request from Red Sox Nation: please have the Jays wear those snazzy powder blue unis at least one time. Oh, and give back Kevin Millar.

And just so we make it an even fight, check out my preview of the Toronto Blue Jays over at “Out in Center Field”. Remember that when commenting on Red Sox blogs, you are representing the Blue Jays blogosphere. Unless you do it anonymously, then all bets are off. Good luck, soldiers!

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