The Friday Clock-Watcher's Guide to NFL Week 5

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The Friday Clock-Watcher's Guide to NFL Week 5
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It’s Friday, and it’s been a long week. You’re tired. You’re miserable. You can’t wait for the weekend.

I feel your pain.

The only thing that’s keeping me going is the splendor of an NFL Sunday, and no Sunday in recent memory is as exciting as this one.

We’re a mere two days away from a veritable cornucopia of football wonderment, so stop staring at the clock and enjoy the Friday clock-watchers guide to NFL Week 5:

Ridiculously Awesome Slate of Games

Sunday’s menu of action is easily most succulent of the season. In between Patriots/Bengals, Saints/Bears, Seahawks/Colts, Lions/Packers, Dolphins/Ravens, Chiefs/Titans and Texans/49ers, there shouldn’t be a dull moment all day.

Noah Graham/Getty Images
So hot right now.

I got fired up just typing that. How do you even decide which the best contest will be? It’d be like choosing between Victoria’s Secret models (I've always been an Adriana Lima guy, FTW). 

It’s the best day of regular season NFL football in years. I can't wait.

Bonus Football!

Thanks to the Oakland Athletics winning the AL West and hosting home playoff games, the Chargers/Raiders game was moved to 11:35pm ET, 8:35pm PT on Sunday night.

This is both a blessing and a curse.

It’s a blessing because we’ll get to watch more football, which is always a plus.

It’s a curse because East Coasters (like me) will stay up until 1:30am watching the game and be outrageously tired at work on Monday.

In that vein, I'd like to petition Carrie Underwood to record an alternate version to her Sunday Night Football theme song: "I've been waiting all day for Monday morning!" In her Daisy Dukes, of course. 

Christian Petersen/Getty Images
"I can't believe this game is STILL going on and I have to be up in four hours!"

You know what, fellow East Coasters? It’ll be worth it. Just suck down an extra cup of coffee on Monday morning and sack up, Sally. 

This Sunday, 13 consecutive hours of football beckons. If that doesn’t get you excited, you’re probably on the wrong website.

Russell Wilson vs. Andrew Luck

It’s a phenomenon that occurs in every office place: a young class of employees comes in and knocks everyone’s socks off.

Older employees get jealous as the exemplary neophytes are showered with attention, and the newbies can seemingly do no wrong.

And then, the inevitable occurs, as two of the best are forced to go head-to-head on a critical assignment and attempt to separate oneself from the other.

That’s what we’re going to witness on Sunday in Indianapolis, when Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson and Colts quarterback Andrew Luck, two of the ultra-talented members of the 2012 QB class, duel for the first time.

There’s a chance that, in 10 years, we’ll look back on that class as one of the best for quarterbacks in NFL history, with Robert Griffin III and Ryan Tannehill joining Wilson and Luck.

Don’t miss the opportunity to watch Wilson and Luck go head-to-head

It’s history in the making.

The Greatness of Peyton Manning

Are you the kind of person that doesn’t enjoy pizza?

Do you prefer Jersey Shore to Breaking Bad?

Are you of the opinion that Picasso was a hack, fraud clown?

If that’s the case, chances are, you also don’t appreciate Peyton Manning. And that’s a crying shame.

Through four games of the season, Manning has thrown for 16 touchdown passes and zero interceptions.

Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

I once played a season of Tecmo Bowl with the Oilers, and I think I threw for 16 touchdowns and no interceptions in the first four games of the season with Warren Moon.

That was a video game. This is real life.

Manning is the maestro of one of the most impressive offensive symphonies you’ll ever see.

Unless you’re a Cowboys fan, enjoy watching Manning play on Sunday.

It’s not often you get to watch Picasso in his prime.

This Week in Gambling

Last week, I told you to take Denver in your survival pool. I told you that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning would absolutely eviscerate the horrendous Eagles defense.

I was right. I hope you listened.

This week, there are two fantastic options for you to select so you can move on to Week 6. The choice is yours.

First, the Rams are hosting the pathetic Jaguars, and if they lose, St. Louis coach Jeff Fisher should submit his resignation letter on the 50-yard line after the final whistle. If there’s ever been a team in NFL history that could make the 1-3 Rams look like the ’85 Bears, it’s the ’13 Jaguars.

Second, on Monday night, the Falcons should crush the Jets and their living, breathing turnover machine of a quarterback, Geno Smith. Atlanta is 1-3, and is facing a must-win. There’s a better chance of Greg Schiano and Josh Freeman exchanging Christmas cards than the Jets emerging victorious. 

Jeff Zelevansky/Getty Images

If you pick any team except the Rams or Falcons, you're doing it wrong.

Earlier in this column, I discussed the Chargers/Raiders game and its after-hours start time. For all the hardcore gamblers out there, it’s as if Christmas is coming early. It’s a last-ditch effort for everyone that lost money to make it all back.

So, if you’re the type of person that likes to toss a few shekels around on occasion, I urge you to watch the line movement for that game. Every degenerate in the country will be wagering on the contest, and the spread is sure to move.

When you see the line movement, I want you to close your eyes and imagine the Bellagio in Las Vegas. Picture the glitz and the glamour in your mind’s eye.

And then remember that the damn casino didn’t build itself, and go against the public. Because that schmuck who’s telling you to go one way? He probably personally paid for a brick in the construction.

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