The Hater's Guide to the NFL, Week 5 Edition

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The Hater's Guide to the NFL, Week 5 Edition
Rob Carr/Getty Images
Matt Schaub...master of the Heisman pose/Derp-face Hybrid

Finally, the Hater's Guide has come back to Bleacher Report! 

*Cue The Rock-level excitement!*

I hate each and every one of you. 

By "hate," of course, I mean "love." And by "each and every one of you," I mean almost none of you, because we barely know each other, and to have strong feelings about one another would be creepy, and this isn't a '90s teen movie. (Although, if you take my glasses off and pull down my pony tail, I do look a lot like Rachael Leigh Cook.)

I do appreciate, however, those of you who wrote, emailed, commented and generally pestered me and my editors to bring back the Hater's Guide this season. It was scrappeddead, kaput, Uncle Hank'd. You brought it back, my friends; this is your contribution to society. 

Your mothers would be proud. 

For those who have not partaked...partook? Partaken? Par-Oh, $@$@# it. For those who've never read a Hater's Guide before, I don't actually hate your team.

I also despise the word "hater." I'm using it here ironically after years of being called a hater anytime I didn't wrap some fan's favorite team's jersey around me and roll around in a pile of unicorn excrement. I get called "bias" anytime I don't paint the most beautiful picture of your favorite superstar.

Finally, none of this is actually real. I'm picking a reason why every single team will lose this weekend. No, I'm not actually convinced all of your teams will lose simultaneously—except at life, because they are horrible, as are you.

 

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