OK, who peed in the pool?
The screams that emanate from public pools throughout the summer now surround the lamest controversy to ever saddle MLB.
Dodger Scribe's Tony Jackson (h/t Deadspin) reports there may have been some Los Angeles Dodgers players who relieved themselves when they jumped into the pool at the Arizona Diamondbacks' Chase Field last Thursday, causing the reporter to change his stance on whether it was fine for the team to take over that area of the stadium:
The reason I am doing an about-face here is that it has come to my attention that one of the Dodgers players who jumped in the pool — and I will do him the favor of leaving his name out of this for now — openly and loudly bragged after leaving the pool about having urinated in it.
To me, that takes this to a whole different place. It takes it from a giddy, spontaneous celebration to an ugly, disgusting display of utter classlessness.
There also are indications that MULTIPLE Dodgers players urinated into the pool, but I can’t tell you that with any certainty.
Allegations about several players peeing into the pool are based on hearsay, so we will take them with a healthy measure of skepticism.
First, I would like to put you pool urinators in the same class of people who think it's fine to leave the bathroom without washing your hands.
The reason I never enter the bacteria frappe that is every Las Vegas swimming pool is the same that I shake my head at every dude leaving the bathroom without a courtesy wash: People are gross.
If you don't believe me, Ryan Lochte is an admitted pool violator.
(GIF credit: rooneymara.tumblr.com)
As a general rule, do the exact opposite of Lochte and your life should continue swimmingly.
For some reason, people think that if a body of water surrounds you, it's completely fine to urinate, as if the pool has some mystical power that makes it socially acceptable.
That is hardly the point, because we are talking about the Dodgers and that now infamous pool scene, as if the sport's unwritten rules also included a subsection on proper pool etiquette.
It's not fine for any player to urinate in the pool—even though we assume whoever rented that bad boy out for the game did the exact same thing at some point over nine innings.
With that said, whichever Dodgers player peed in the pool should be ashamed of himself and deserves public mocking—but that's about it. If an Olympian can admit the same to a nonchalant world, we can do the same for the Dodgers.
Still, Jackson should come clean with the name so we can all laugh and chide him for being awful. Aside from that, I am done caring about something that doesn't really matter.
Are we all that shocked that an MLB player urinated in the pool like a child? Have you ever been in a dugout? It's the nastiest place in the world, filled to the brim with discarded paper cups, chewed seeds and pools of dip spit.
Let's be adults and admit we all just assumed someone peed in the pool. They jumped in with dirty uniforms and cleats on. Something hinted at the fact that someone was going to leave a calling card.
Now we patiently wait for Senator John McCain and D-Backs utility man Willie Bloomquist to offer their thoughts on the matter.
As you might recall, McCain called the Dodgers' mere act of jumping into the pool a "No-class act by a bunch of overpaid, immature, arrogant, spoiled brats!" He tweeted that opinion well before this urine turn in the story.
Bloomquist was a tad more reserved with his statement. "It's surprising because they have a lot of veteran guys on that team that I thought were classier than that," he said, via Tyler Emerick of MLB.com.
For the rest of you who are outraged and want to destroy the Dodgers over what you consider a classless and disgusting act, relax.
Let's all put things into perspective, although it will be near impossible for many of you.
The team jumped into a pool. One, or possibly a few of them, urinated in the pool like an immature heathen.
If true, it's gross. But this is hardly the Black Sox scandal here. Take a deep breath, because you will need all your energy when you lose your minds over the next silly Yasiel Puig controversy.
Hit me up on Twitter:
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!