We can listen to analysts explain to us all day what is wrong with RGIII, how dominant the Denver Broncos are or explain the blurred lines in the shocking Trent Richardson trade (pun intended).
That is all well and good, but there is only so much knowledge they can bestow upon us that we couldn't figure out on our own. After all, you read articles on Bleacher Report! You're basically an NFL analyst anyway!
Maybe not, but one thing is for sure. Music is one of the most powerful mediums in the world, so what better way to decipher exactly where your favorite football team stands than by way of song?
Giving each team a theme song would unify its respective fan base and get everyone on the same wavelength. No analyst can tell us accurately where our teams stand, but you best believe that Pitbull can.
Here is each NFL club's most accurate representation of their young season in the form of a current Billboard Hot 100 anthem.
Miss Movin' On - Fifth Harmony
The Cardinals' disastrous streak of 11 losses in 12 games to end last season is a distant past with Carson Palmer under center now.
No one is more happy about that than Larry Fitzgerald, who has already gotten into the end zone half as many times as he did last year.
The defense is underrated, Rashard Mendenhall looks revitalized, Ty Mathieu is looking like a genius draft selection and Michael Floyd and Andre Ellington are looking to be two added dynamic talents on offense. Heck, they've even gotten Patrick Peterson firmly entrenched in the offensive game.
Head coach Bruce Arians has this squad completely forgetting about last year. It would be surprising to see them fall off the wagon like they did last year after what they've shown the first two games.
A 1-1 start with two competitive games is all Cardinals fans can ask at this point. Compared to John Skelton and Brian Hoyer, Carson Palmer must look like Joe Montana to the Phoenix faithful.
I Do It - 2 Chainz feat. Drake & Lil Wayne
What you see is what you get with the Falcons. We've seen this show before.
Atlanta is once again looking primed to make a big run through the NFC with their high-octane offense and underrated defense.
The Falcons endured a surprising defeat at the hands of New Orleans, and Steven Jackson has recently gone down with an injury.
There is still little reason to fear, as Atlanta boasts one of the deepest rosters in the league. Nothing new to report here; the Falcons are as good as advertised once again.
Get Lucky - Daft Punk feat. Pharrell
Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Bernard Pollard, Paul Kruger and Dannell Ellerbe are all gone leaving Haloti Ngata, Terrell Suggs and Elvis Dumervil to pilot this defense back to Super Bowl caliber.
Ray Rice and Jacoby Jones have been added to the list of injured guys. Not to be forgotten on that list is tight end Dennis Pitta, one of Joe Flacco's main options, who he will not have the service of using this season due to a hip injury.
Worst of all, Baltimore was forced to open their season on the road in Denver after winning the Super Bowl last year and beating the Broncos along the way—just despicable.
These Ravens don't have much going for them right now, so sending a little luck their way would do wonders for them. They sure look as if they need it.
Don't Drop Tat Thun Thun! - The FiNATTiCZ
For the sake of relativity, let's just say that "thun thun thun" means a football.
The Bills have three lost fumbles already, tied for the league lead. I know it is a small sample size, but they have a young quarterback in E.J. Manuel who has had a tendency in college to hold the ball low. NFL defenses will exploit that and come after him.
C.J. Spiller also lost three fumbles last season and has lost one already this year. For a young team trying to establish themselves, shooting themselves in the foot will only stunt their development.
Bruises - Train feat. Ashley Monroe
Cam Newton's Panthers are arguably the best 0-2 team in football.
They've lost two heartbreakers: one in a spirited effort against a dominant Seahawks team and one on an E.J. Manuel touchdown pass with two seconds on the clock.
Ron Rivera's crew has improved across the board despite not having a win to show for it so far. Their defense has done an admirable job so far after being very weak last season.
The surprising aspect is that Cam has not gotten the passing game going yet. Carolina is 30th in the league in passing, something very likely to change going forward.
Newton has got to improve and lead this team going forward. They have considerably more talent than they did when he was drafted two seasons ago, so it is time to rub some dirt on their bruises from the first two weeks and keep on trucking.
Could it Be - Charlie Worsham
Has Jay Cutler finally figured it out? Are the Bears for real?
We've seen this with them before, so it is hard to put too much faith into their 2-0 start. The Bears are a notorious hot-and-cold team, so the wheels could fall off at any time.
They've bagged themselves two close wins with some clutch play on both sides of the ball. Running back Matt Forte has been the main highlight so far with 15 catches already.
Brandon Marshall has staved off concerns about his hip and the defense is managing without Brian Urlacher so far. Could it be?
Can the Bears take a step forward into contention in the NFC? They're one of the more polarizing teams in the NFL, and that makes them that much more exciting.
Young and Beautiful - Lana Del Rey
On both sides of the ball, Cincinnati boasts one of the most talented teams in the league.
They, very simply, are young and beautiful. However, in this song, Lana Del Rey asks if we will still love her when she is no longer young and beautiful.
Will this Bengals team still be good once the newness wears off? Everyone loves a new car until they put a few miles on it, but after two consecutive first round exits, will it get to a point where it isn't cute anymore?
It is doubtful. Geno Atkins anchors a young and bruising defense. On offense, they are completely loaded. Giovani Bernard had his coming out party on Monday night against the Steelers, and fellow rookie tight end Tyler Eifert made a huge 61-yard catch as well.
Wrecking Ball - Miley Cyrus
A wrecking ball is exactly what Trent Richardson was out of the backfield for the Cleveland Browns.
Now, the Trent Richardson trade to the Colts was just as much of a wrecking ball to the Cleveland Browns fanbase.
Haven't they suffered enough? They haven't won more than five games since 2007, and finally when they think they have things headed in the right direction, their franchise player is kicked to the curb.
The Browns are in for a long season after hitting the proverbial reset button. This song is appropriate in more ways than one.
Mainly, they are making headlines for all the wrong reasons, just like Miley Cyrus!
But, hey. Miley has the number one song in the country right now, so at least the Browns will be the best at something besides next year's possible first overall draft pick.
All Over the Road - Easton Corbin
The Dallas Cowboys remain one of the bigger unknowns so far after two games.
We can't conclude much from their 1-1 start. They started by barely beating the Giants despite forcing six turnovers, then fell on their face in a loss to Kansas City.
No one on this roster is a sure thing except for Dez Bryant, Jason Witten and DeMarcus Ware. Everyone else is all over the place and very hot and cold, making it quite difficult to gauge this team.
They have the talent to make a run, as they always do. They just haven't shown why this year can be different.
Can't Hold Us - Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
The ceiling, Mile High Stadium, heck even the stratosphere can't hold this Denver Broncos team.
They have come out of the gates blazing and have their sights set on the Super Bowl from day one. The addition of Wes Welker has worked wonders as this offense has already thrown down 90 points in two weeks.
We'll see what the affect is of superstar left tackle Ryan Clady's season-ending injury is, but it is hard to imagine anything holding down the Broncos right now. They simply look to be a step beyond everybody else.
Barring something unforeseen, Denver is going to be in the race right until the end. It will take huge extenuating circumstances to derail their season.
Feds Watching - 2 Chainz feat. Pharrell
Roger Goodell undoubtedly keeps an eye on Ndamukong Suh at all times. He is a fine waiting to happen, and proved it once again by accruing a $100,000 hit for his low block on Vikings center John Sullivan.
It seems as if Suh steals all the headlines from this team. The addition of Reggie Bush has added a new element to their offense, and they look to be much improved from last season—but all we hear about is Suh's reckless abandon.
Regarding the fine, Suh once again showed no remorse. He has no intentions of changing his style of play, causing a hot topic of conversation around the league.
He recently brushed off the fine and said that offensive linemen do the same thing but he doesn't care, as if to say he's going to be "fresh as hell if the feds watching," just like the great 2 Chainz would say.
Roar - Katy Perry
Green Bay has found themselves in a couple of shootouts with Washington and San Francisco so far. They've proven that this passing game can be as electric as ever.
Now with Eddie Lacy running the ball for them, the Packers have a very loud offense that can compete with absolutely anyone.
The defense needs some work, but the numbers may be slightly skewed due to the unreal performance by Colin Kaepernick and the huge lead they had against Washington which forced them to air it out in the second half.
The only thing that would make this song more fitting is if Katy Perry broke out the discount double check in her next music video.
Little Bit of Everything - Keith Urban
The Texans get a nice country song by a legend of the genre. The title fits them appropriately, as they are a very good team with no glaring flaws.
The issue that has plagued Houston is slow starts. They take a while to get settled into games, but come the second half, they are tough as nails.
They have a dynamic running game with Ben Tate providing the lightning for Arian Foster's thunder. DeAndre Hopkins has looked stellar opposite Andre Johnson—something this franchise has never really had. The defense is also as good as ever.
It's a good time to be a Texans fan. All is well down south.
Take Back the Night - Justin Timberlake
"Ain't no time like tonight, and we ain't trying to save it 'til later. Stay out here living the life, nobody cares who we are tomorrow."
That is the Colts in a nutshell. They are all in after the Trent Richardson, hoping he and Luck can bring back shades of Peyton Manning and Edgerrin James.
These two can take this team to new heights over the next ten years. Indy now has two franchise players at quarterback and wide receiver, a duo no other team in football can compete with.
The rest of the AFC has to take notice because a fringe playoff team just made a gigantic statement. Indy is ready to stake claim to the crown.
Drunk Last Night - Eli Young Band
It's anybody's guess what Jaguars management was thinking when they put this team on the field. Maybe they were, in fact, drunk last night.
It isn't all their fault, but when a local television station is issuing public apologies for airing your games, you probably messed up.
Not much needs to be said here. They've scored 11 points in two games.
This franchise is just in a sad state and is already looking forward to hopefully landing Teddy Bridgewater in next year's draft.
Blurred Lines - Robin Thicke feat. T.I. & Pharrell
This Chiefs defense is some type of animal right now. One might say they can't be domesticated...
After their thrashing of Jacksonville in Week 1, they held an uptempo Dallas Cowboys team to 16 points last week. Their offense looks to be coming along nicely under the tutelage of Andy Reid and the leadership of Alex Smith.
The conundrum here is that Kansas City is a very difficult team to size up. They have big talent, but they also have their fair share of question marks. How legitimate are they?
Having already matched their putrid win total from last season at 2-0, can they keep this going? This week's challenge against an electric Eagles offense will go a long way towards making sense out of these blurred lines.
Going 3-0 would be a big statement. We will learn a lot after Andy Reid's return to Philly.
I Need Your Love - Calvin Harris feat. Ellie Goulding
Not many expected the Miami Dolphins to start the season 2-0. They opened their campaign with a resounding victory in Cleveland and then surprised us by stealing one in Indianapolis last weekend.
Behind a vastly underrated defense and an improved second year signal caller under center in Ryan Tannehill, Miami is starting to make some noise.
Their days as the AFC East pushovers are coming to an end. After Mike Wallace's disappearing act in Cleveland, he was very outspoken in telling the coaching staff to show him a little love. He responded with 115 yards and a touchdown last week.
This is a team that should not be slept on by any means. They can play defense and protect the football— two things that will surely get you places in today's NFL.
Hold On, We're Going Home - Drake feat. Majid Jordan
After two heartbreaking road losses to division rivals Chicago and Detroit to open up the season, Vikings fans simply need to hold on.
It was not an ideal way to start a season with such high expectations coming off last season's playoff run, but you can bet the house that the Vikes will demolish the now-hopeless Cleveland Browns as they make their way up north to the Metrodome for Week 3.
Christian Ponder has looked erratic once again, but luckily for him he has Purple Jesus lining up behind him to divert attention from all his flaws.
Adrian Peterson is picking up right where he left off last year with 193 yards and three total touchdowns already.
Have no fear, Vikings fans. An 0-2 start can be overcome, and the Browns are the perfect antidote for this sickness.
Holy Grail - Jay-Z feat. Justin Timberlake
First listening to Holy Grail, you get encapsulated by the wonderful beat thrown down by hip-hop legend, Timbaland. Jay-Z brings his typical tantalizing wordplay to the table, which is complemented beautifully by the velvet-like voice of Justin Timberlake.
It truly is a great song, but upon a second or third listen, one can really understand the pain in the voices of Jay-Z and Timberlake. Being rich and famous is great and all, but their words shed light upon the darker side of fame and their love/hate relationships with their celebrity status.
The New England Patriots can relate to this more than anyone. Once bestowed with a bevy of riches in the forms of Rob Gronkowski and Aaron Hernandez, now they are stuck picking up the pieces. Danny Amendola and Shane Vereen are gone for months as well, leaving franchise centerpieces Tom Brady and coach Bill Belichick to keep this ship going.
Jay-Z laid out explicitly the pains that come with fame, all while still delivering a Billboard-topping hit and never losing focus of the task at hand.
While the Pats are in bad shape at the moment, they are plugging along and are still 2-0, proving that they truly are the Holy Grail of the NFL.
Still Into You - Paramore
Okay, New Orleans, I see you!
Sean Payton is back leading the way and his Saints have started 2-0 with division victories over Atlanta and Tampa Bay. They look just like they did pre-bounty.
They are currently sporting a top-ten pass defense and have four takeaways through two games. That kind of production on that side of the ball will take them a long way this year since we know just how good that offense already is.
With their coach back, they are marching right along and not missing a beat. Don't worry, we're still into you New Orleans. You haven't gotten the publicity you deserve, but eventually you will.
Wake Me Up! - Avicii
At this rate, Eli Manning is going to obliterate the NFL record as he is on pace to throw 56 interceptions this season.
David Wilson's two Week 1 fumbles have messed with his head and quickly put a halt to what was expected to be a monstrous breakout season for the second-year back.
While much can be blamed on the offense, the defense has not bailed them out one bit by allowing a league-worst 77 points through two games.
Simply put, they are last in the league in rushing yards, last in defense and have three more giveaways than any other team.
WAKE UP, G-MEN!
Crooked Smile - J. Cole feat. TLC
The moral of this song by J. Cole is that no one is perfect. No matter the case, keep your head up because someone always has it worse.
The Jets have been the laughing stock of the league since the infamous butt fumble. Darrelle Revis left town, Mark Sanchez destroyed his shoulder and this team was pegged early on to be "Going Down for the Clown".
In case that reference went over your head, that's my slogan for teams tanking this season in pursuit of projected top pick Jadeveon Clowney out of South Carolina. It isn't the "Suck for Luck" campaign, it's better. Just wait, it'll catch on and then we'll see who is laughing.
New York has performed admirably through two games. Yes, they have some big flaws. They have a questionable running game, a subpar group of wide receivers and a rookie quarterback.
Despite that, Geno Smith has looked pretty good so far, and the Jets have a legitimate defense. That front seven is straight up nasty and will keep them from being nearly as bad as people thought they were destined to be.
Sunny and 75 - Joe Nichols
Sunny, warm weather is about the only thing Oakland has going for them at this point, so we give them this song to divert from their weak football team.
Terrelle Pryor has shown impressive play-making ability, and Darren McFadden has managed to play two consecutive games without getting injured. They are 1-1, but beating Jacksonville doesn't really count.
They are also presumably looking very much towards next year's stocked pond of quarterbacks in the draft, but Pryor will have one year to change their minds. He has elite level running ability, but his decision making and accuracy at quarterback leave much to be desired.
Oakland has been futile for far too long. I'm pulling for them, but it just looks to be another forgotten year already.
Berzerk - Eminem
Berzerk is the absolute perfect word to describe the Eagles' offense through two games this season.
They present a multitude of weapons and are proving just how great of an offensive mind Chip Kelly has.
LeSean McCoy looks rejuvenated in a way we didn't see at all last year. DeSean Jackson has his typical swagger back. Brent Celek and Zach Ertz are showing exactly what a prolific tight end duo should look like. Riley Cooper has even found his way from the doghouse to the end zone.
Most of all, a revamped offensive line is re-establishing Mike Vick as one of the most dominant quarterbacks in the league and at the same time making me look like a total genius for waiting until round 10 in my fantasy football league to draft a quarterback. Just had to throw that in there.
If they can keep Vick on his feet, with a little improvement on defense this team can run rampant through the NFC. With so many volatile figures like Vick, Cooper and Jackson running the show, it is difficult to not root for a team like this. It is only fitting they get represented by the always controversial Marshall Mathers.
Radioactive - Imagine Dragons
Welcome to a new age, indeed!
This Steelers defense is looking more old than they are elite. Worse than that, they can't run the ball worth a lick.
Le'Veon Bell coming back from his foot injury could solve half of that, but who knows now with Pro Bowl center Maurkice Pouncey out for the year with his torn ACL.
They were beaten at their own game twice by the Titans and Bengals so far. Injuries or no injuries, it is startling to see a Steelers team get pushed around and outhit. We have grown accustomed to seeing them as the most physical team in football led by a frightening defense.
That defense just isn't scaring anyone right now. They still hold their own, but the aura of James Harrison is tough to replace.
As the Imagine Dragons put it, this might actually be the apocalypse when the Steelers can't run the ball or play defense.
Stay the Night - Zedd feat. Paramore
It sure is nice to see you again, Philip Rivers!
The Chargers quarterback has come out of the gates tearing it up like Rivers circa 2008. With Ryan Mathews and Antonio Gates seemingly completely healthy for the first time in years, could this team's positive start become a trend?
Rivers has seven touchdowns through two games and just one interception. The one pick is extraordinary considering the 35 he's thrown the past two years.
It would be a nice story if Mike McCoy could lay out the groundwork for sustained success in his first year as head coach.
Stay the night, Rivers! Let's see how far you can take these Chargers—bolt up!
Safe and Sound - Capital Cities
The Niners are fresh off a savage beating at the hands of their division rival Seattle Seahawks.
The loss should do nothing to disturb the fans. It was merely a blip on the radar, all will be well in the Bay.
Anquan Boldin looks to be a huge addition on the outside, and Nnamdi Asomugha has looked good early on in the secondary. This team is potentially even better than they were during their Super Bowl run last season.
With a full season under Kaepernick, many positives are on their way. Niners fans should feel nothing other than safe and sound.
Tom Ford - Jay-Z
What better song to represent the class of the NFL than this hip-hop banger, which is essentially what CenturyLink Field has become during Seahawks games.
This team has become the creme de la creme of the NFL. After the shellacking of their rival 49ers last weekend on primetime, they have now made a very loud statement.
Richard Sherman held Anquan Boldin to 201 fewer yards than he had the previous week. The defense doubled Colin Kaepernick's career interception total. Marshawn Lynch ran around and through the Niners vaunted defense all night long to the tune of three touchdowns.
There are nothing but positive vibes for this team right now. They are on top of the football world.
The Seahawks clearly don't pop molly, they rock Tom Ford.
Everything Has Changed - Taylor Swift feat. Ed Sheeran
It probably does the Rams a disservice to slap them with a Taylor Swift song as their theme song, but this is not the same old Rams team we have grown accustomed to.
It took them a while, but they are starting to make good on all those years of futility. All those high draft picks are starting to take shape and they now have somewhat of a finished product.
St. Louis is going to have some extremely tough games coming up that will test their grit. The playoffs are an outside shot this year, but regardless of what happens they are heading in the right direction very quickly.
Jared Cook and No. 8 overall pick Tavon Austin have helped take the top off a defense tremendously. They finally have viable options for former No. 1 Sam Bradford, and he is thriving with big weapons at his disposal.
Don't sleep on these guys. Everything has changed. They may not be the greatest show on turf again, but they're on the up and up.
Replay - Zendaya
Greg Schiano's Buccaneers are one stupid penalty and two last second field goals away from being 2-0. Instead they are 0-2 with a disgruntled new star in town in Darrelle Revis.
Fans are already calling for Josh Freeman's head and the entire Revis situation has been overblown. Dashon Goldson is racking up fines like speeding tickets at Daytona.
All this team needs to do is take a deep breath. They have a lot of talent in this club and are very dangerous for being 0-2. They will be heard from before this season is over.
Fans need to relax and understand it is just two games. The laughably awful penalty that Lavonte David committed in Week 1 to ultimately lose the game was just a bad draw. It was a fluke that is better off being left in the rear-view mirror.
The quicker this team can forget about these two losses, the better off they will be. They need to lick their wounds and move on.
Gas Pedal - Sage the Gemini feat. IamSu
Mike Munchak has turned back the clock on this franchise. He's got these Titans flying all over the place on defense and smacking people in the mouth.
This is old school smash-mouth Titans football we are seeing so far, and it is very pleasant to see.
Tennessee strolled into Pittsburgh in Week 1 and beat them senseless. They followed the performance by losing a tough one on the road in overtime against the Texans.
The big additions of Chance Warmack and Andy Levitre on the offensive line are beginning to pay dividends, and Bernard Pollard has this defense firing on all cylinders.
The long question mark remains at quarterback. Jake Locker has many question marks surrounding his accuracy and decision making.
Munchak has to keep the foot on the gas pedal. This is a dog eat dog world. It's hit or get hit, and it is great to see the Titans talking smack and backing it up once again.
Ain't Worried About Nothin' - French Montana
I think we've all heard quite enough about RGIII's knee. We've even heard absurd statements about how Kirk Cousins should be starting. Come on now.
It is not Griffin's fault that Adrian Peterson made a torn ACL look like a jammed finger. He set the bar too high for everyone else.
Griffin still came back quicker than anticipated, so a little rustiness comes with the territory. He has been great in second halves, but Washington has been outscored 50-7 in the first half of their two games this season. That's just football, things happen.
Yes, their defense needs to step up. Let us not forget that Mike Shanahan watched this team start 3-6 last year, so 0-2 is not catastrophic.
Hang in there, Skins fans. Washington will get their groove back relatively soon once RGIII gets back to his normal self.