Like phrenology, astrology, and paranormal studies, NFL scouting is a true self-proclaimed science.
As the history of “science” has proven, all great scientists and scientific theories are eventually proven wrong at one point or another.
Newton brought an end to gravitational lawlessness, the sun took center stage of the universe, and the earth turned out to be less flat and ether-filled than previously “calculated.”
Even the accented, infomercial-certified Ms. Cleo misread a Tarot card or two.
As in the game of Russian Roulette and the trials of product safety testing, going first is a cursed privilege for an NFL team on draft day.
With the superhero-like expectations that come with being the number one overall pick, your franchise savior will face greater pressure than a Tony Siragusa-smothered Rich Gannon.
For best results, use this self-deprecating selection on a quarterback.
If the crippling pressure isn’t enough reason to invest in a first round signal caller, imagine the privilege of inheriting the reins of the reigning “first overall pick champions.”
Playing for a team whose defense is offensive and offense outright offends, your future franchise quarterback will build more character than Walt Disney.
In addition to his on-field contributions, your first overall draft pick will provide an immediate face-lift to the franchise’s public image.
Being an NFL team owner, you automatically assume the charitable role of “sponsor” to the off-field activities you will soon read about in the newspaper.
Just turn on CNN and watch your investment generously rain that six-year, $80 million contract on unsuspecting nightlife inhabitants.
Why take the chance and swing on a hit or miss prospect when you can lay down a figurative bunt, or better yet, strike out looking?
Send your beloved quarterback and first overall draft choice to the “Houston, San Francisco, and Oakland Schools of Quarterback Development” today!
The following is a three-part lesson plan for guaranteed results:
DISCLAIMER: Results may not be positive.