Like phrenology, astrology, and paranormal studies, NFL scouting is a true self-proclaimed science.
As the history of “science” has proven, all great scientists and scientific theories are eventually proven wrong at one point or another.
Newton brought an end to gravitational lawlessness, the sun took center stage of the universe, and the earth turned out to be less flat and ether-filled than previously “calculated.”
Even the accented, infomercial-certified Ms. Cleo misread a Tarot card or two.
As in the game of Russian Roulette and the trials of product safety testing, going first is a cursed privilege for an NFL team on draft day.
With the superhero-like expectations that come with being the number one overall pick, your franchise savior will face greater pressure than a Tony Siragusa-smothered Rich Gannon.
For best results, use this self-deprecating selection on a quarterback.
If the crippling pressure isn’t enough reason to invest in a first round signal caller, imagine the privilege of inheriting the reins of the reigning “first overall pick champions.”
Playing for a team whose defense is offensive and offense outright offends, your future franchise quarterback will build more character than Walt Disney.
In addition to his on-field contributions, your first overall draft pick will provide an immediate face-lift to the franchise’s public image.
Being an NFL team owner, you automatically assume the charitable role of “sponsor” to the off-field activities you will soon read about in the newspaper.
Just turn on CNN and watch your investment generously rain that six-year, $80 million contract on unsuspecting nightlife inhabitants.
Why take the chance and swing on a hit or miss prospect when you can lay down a figurative bunt, or better yet, strike out looking?
Send your beloved quarterback and first overall draft choice to the “Houston, San Francisco, and Oakland Schools of Quarterback Development” today!
The following is a three-part lesson plan for guaranteed results:
DISCLAIMER: Results may not be positive.
When the Houston Texans rewarded 2002 first overall draft pick David Carr with a seven year, $46.2 million contract, the franchise found a loophole in the US legal system.
To any judge, lawyer, or recreational supporter of human rights, the job description of a Houston Texans quarterback was a clear violation of the Geneva Conventions.
These NFL battlefield-based war crimes included but were not limited to: public humiliation via online message boards, involuntary nakedness by means of incompetent offensive linemen, and well-documented cases of weekly torture at the hands of NFL pass rushers.
Despite the national media coverage and public outcry on behalf of Texan fans, such “civil” atrocities continued for five years on a weekly basis between the months of September through January.
After receiving an "R" rating due to the excessive violence depicted and excessive adult language to follow, NFL Films has been forced to permanently remove the non-motivational sack-montage that was David Carr’s career in Houston.
Carr’s bone structure wasn’t the only thing broken during his tumultuous Texan tenure. Punishing defensive linemen and number-crunching NFL statisticians alike, found sick pleasure in Carr’s 249 career sacks while in Houston.
This included a record-shattering 76 sacks in his 2002 rookie campaign with the expansion franchise.
Fortunately for Carr, his $46.2 million salary should sufficiently cover the medical expenses and extensive years of therapy to follow his career as a Houston Texan. Not bad for an injury compensation plan.
In an interview leading up to the 2005 NFL draft, former Utah head coach, Urban Meyer described his star quarterback as being “non-functional” during the process of becoming acclimated to a new offensive system.
Needless to say, the San Francisco School of Quarterback Development found a solution to Alex Smith's adjustment struggles.
Rather than putting their golden egg into one figurative basket, why not place it in five?
With five offensive coordinators and five offensive systems over a five year span, Smith could bat .200 and still find NFL success.
Unfortunately for the once-envisioned franchise savior, it’s difficult enough to learn the names of Mike McCarthy, Norv Turner, Jim Hostler, Mike Martz, and Jimmy Raye over the course of five years, yet alone their offensive schemes.
With the reading intensive, playbook-per-year Alex Smith development plan in place, it’s only fitting that the 49ers’ drafted future pupil Nate Davis, an electric, yet dyslexic field general.
After all, who better to rise up to a reading challenge than the reading challenged?
It’s a decision more ironic than rain on Alanis Morissette’s wedding day.
Although old enough to be his grandfather, Al Davis must have fallen victim to unhealthy doses of Mr. Rogers during his ancient childhood.
Like the generously charitable child show host, Davis lives in a world (or “neighborhood”) that is absent of receivers.
As 2007 first overall draft selection JaMarcus Russell entered Oakland headquarters for the first time, All-Pro wide receiver Randy Moss exited.
Similar to the “Sopranos” box set I gifted my mother on Mother’s Day, Russell’s offensive present was taken away before the wrapping was ever removed.
Moments after drafting their franchise quarterback, the Oakland Raiders played the role of Grinch by shipping away Russell’s Pro Bowl early Christmas present.
When Oakland drafted the former rocket-armed LSU quarterback, they must have envisioned an athlete that could defy the laws of physics.
Unlike the one-dimensional art of sharpshooting, the Coriolis effect was the least of Russel’s worries while throwing to his Oakland targets.
Unfortunately for the young and developing East Bay quarterback, Oakland Raider pass catchers couldn’t catch the swine flu.
With targets like former first round bust Ashley Lelie and the handicapped Javon “Needs A” Walker, finding an open Raider receiver was like finding a needle in a hay mountain.
Throwing at pinpoints, in the face of a pass rush that Usain Bolt couldn’t outrun (although believe me, Al Davis has certainly exhausted that possibility), your future franchise quarterback will be a can’t-miss, first round, bust!
This concludes our portion of the “Houston, San Francisco, and Oakland Schools of Quarterback Development”.
For additional life-changing lessons, look for the following self-help books at a clearance aisle near you!
Terrell Owens’ Terrific Team-Building Exercises
The Lawrence Phillips School of Life Decision-Making
The Brett Favre Retirement Planning Workshop
The Ryan Leaf Media Relations Seminar
The Al Davis’ School of Coaching Staff Management
The Bill Belichick School of Sportsmanship
Hurry up while supplies last!
If you buy now we'll throw in the nifty "OJ Simpson Moral Compass".
You won't know which way is up in this wacky toy that's fun for the whole family.