Are you ready for some wrestling? A Monday Night party?
Oh. Well sorry for asking.
WWE has one week to get ready to battle the NFL for Monday night supremacy. To get ready for war, it's pulled a little something from up it's sleeve. Or maybe it's from the back of the fridge.
Yes, we've got a reheated and recast feud from 1998 to carry us through these crisp fall nights.
Playing the role of Stone Cold Steve Austin in the PG era is loveable beardman Daniel Bryan, and playing the role of Vince McMahon is his son-in-law HHH.
If you're not really into that feud, well, there might not be much for you at the moment.
Maybe we could get a Kickstarter campain going and help WWE afford to sign some new tag teams. We've seen the Wyatt Family take on Tons of Funk three times now, and it gets less exciting each time.
Sure, there was some good this week: AJ Lee's promo, Christian vs. Randy Orton and The Big Show crying some more. But that's not what we're here for. Let's focus on the bad. That's always more satisfying.
Here is WWE's worst of the week!
AJ’s promo on Raw was arguably the most entertaining thing in wrestling all week.
However, the victims of her verbal assault look even more terrible once it was over because they basically proved her right.
As AJ stood on the stage taking them down one-by-one, their retaliation was resorting to being obnoxious. The Bellas yelled "say it to my face" about 95 times (why didn't they just walk up there themselves?), Natalya folded her arms and looked like she wanted to cry again and The Funkadactyls yawned and waved bye repeatedly.
This is exactly how Steve Austin and The Rock would have acted if they were verbally torn apart.
The segment ended with the Bellas and Eva Marie awkwardly holding arms and skipping in a circle, as if that was going to somehow get even.
On Raw, CM Punk was great. Paul Heyman was fantastic. Curtis Axel was… Curtis Axel.
And Curtis Axel is kind of… blah.
Months ago, I argued that there were clearly five better choices than Axel as Heyman's next client. I stand by that, and would like to increase that number to 50.
For a moment, let's be generous and say that Axel is an average talker. But when he’s with Punk and Heyman he comes across as a Razzie award winner at acting. Even his beard isn't convincing, and I'm pretty sure it's real.
Axel is no Mr. Perfect. He’s not even a Red Rooster. He’s completely in over his head in this storyline, and he’s dragging it down a bit. Sure, he’s a decent wrestler, but that’s about all he has going for him. He reminds me of a less interesting version of Bobby Roode, who isn’t all that interesting to begin with.
It would be nice if the rumors of Matt Morgan possibly returning to WWE are true. Heyman needs a new Heyman guy to continue feuding with Punk, as Axel just isn’t perfect (insert forced maniacal Curtis Axel laugh here) in the role.
The WWE studios curse has struck again.
The Marine star John Cena is out with an injury, The Call star David Otunga is nowhere to be found, See No Evil's Kane has been kidnapped, Behind Enemy Lines: The Quickening star Mr. Kennedy was released and has joined a third-rate biker gang, and Marine 2: Electric Boogaloo star Ted DiBiase has also left WWE.
DiBiase may have never become a big star in the company, but he was a good talent who was pushed terribly. Had he been booked right, he could have broken away from Legacy and had a nice run as a babyface.
His heel run as Million Dollar Man Jr. just didn't fit him at all. Being given your dad's gimmick just never works out. See Curtis Axel for further proof.
Something in wrestling has always seemed a bit odd to me.
When a wrestler does something well—like Fandango's ballroom dancing—a babyface will decide to mock them. However, to do this they perform the act badly and look like an idiot while doing it.
To insult Fandango on Raw, Miz dressed up as him and danced like a jerk.
That seems like a lot of work.
I mean, he has to either steal Fandango's pants or go shopping for a pair of his own. Then he had to find a woman to join him. Then get the person who plays the music backstage to go along with his unfunny scheme. Then he had to spend some of his spare time coming up with a crappy dance.
How does that show Fandango up, though? That’s like playing golf against Tiger Woods and purposefully doing the Happy Gilmore swing every time to mock him because he’s actually better than you.
Also, Rosa returned during this match. Oh, and she’s good now.
Why? I don’t know. WWE didn’t bother to tell us. Let's use our imaginations instead!
The time off must have changed her inner character completely, just like it had for Layla, Chris Jericho, The Big Show and Christian in the recent past.
I want to get excited about Daniel Bryan as the new top babyface in WWE. I really do.
But WWE is making it kind of difficult.
If someone horribly beats you multiple times, writing the word "yes" on their car doesn't seem like great revenge. Especially if the person you're doing it to is a millionaire.
The spray paint attack was kind of like when Edge spray painted Alberto Del Rio's Rolls Royce. Or the time that Kofi Kingston destroyed Orton's fancy race car. Or it was like when John Cena spray painted JBL's limo.
At least Bryan had the decency to not write "Randy Orton is poopy."
Much like Orton's last car vandalism, there was no time to build a connection between the victim and his property. There was no time for Orton to show any love for his Escalade. He never mentioned wanting one in the past. It wasn't a part of his character.
As soon as HHH brought that thing out, you knew it wasn’t going to make it through the show unscathed. And Orton? Well, not only did he get his revenge later on Raw, but he got it on SmackDown too.
How? By violently beating Daniel Bryan again. Maybe Bryan will retaliate with a whoopee cushion next time. That'll show him!
It's time to kick out.
That's all for this week. Agree? Disagree? What was your worst moment of the week? Sound off below and thanks for reading!