Speaking Comically: Top Reasons Why the Detroit Tigers Can't Win

Timothy Cousino

Analyst Written on April 13, 2008

Here we go baseball fans! The top reasons the Detroit Tigers are losing ball games!

1. Jim Leyland smokes too many Marlboros in the dugout.

2. The coaches have to wear batting helmets now.

3. It's too cold at U.S. Cellular Field to play.

4. Pitching coach Chuck Hernandez's warm-up jacket is way too tight.

5. Major League pitchers throw the ball really, really hard and the balls move too!

6. Half the team is still at Triple-A Toledo.

7. Millionaire ballplayer Miguel Cabrera said his leg hurt, so other millionaire ballplayers decided their legs hurt too.

8. Coaches have to stand with at least one foot in the coaches’ box now.

9. It's too cold to play baseball at Comerica Park.

10. Former Hall of Fame Detroit Tiger announcer Ernie Harwell does commercials for insurance companies now.

11. The Detroit Lions suck!

12. The Pistons are going to the playoffs.

13. Tiger announcer Dan Dickerson doesn't have to wear a batting helmet when he does his broadcasts causing fear in the Tiger organization.

14. Since the ban on steroids, Jim Leyland's managing skills have diminished.

15. Brandon Inge doesn't want to catch anymore.

16. Dontrelle Willis thought he was going to play third base this year.

17. Jeremy Bonderman doesn't want to catch either.

18. Beer prices went up at the ballpark

19. It's too hot to play baseball

20. Joel Zumaya can't get past the first level of Guitar Hero.

21. Jose Canseco put out a new book sending fear through the Tiger organization

22. Tiger Woods lost the Masters tournament, jinxing all sports teams with the nickname "Tiger.”

23. Brandon Inge doesn't want to pitch either.

There are many more, but I won't give them to you yet until I find out for sure the Tigers’ losing ways will continue.

I knew something was wrong when I asked a player if he understood they were 2-12 on the season and he said I know we got them right where we want them!

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written on April 13, 2008 Sports

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