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The 6 Best Fan Songs in the EPL

Sean ButtersFeatured ColumnistJanuary 18, 2017

The 6 Best Fan Songs in the EPL

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    Although there will probably be a newer, better chant that makes its debut this weekend somewhere around the country, there's always time for a "best chants" list.

    You may notice that most of the chants are from the past decade or sothis is an all-time Premier League list, but it just so happens that the best ones are the more recent examples.

    So don't get upset if your personal favourite isn't included; we had hundreds if not thousands to choose from, so its omission is probably more down to our ignorance than the quality of your song.

    Enjoy!

Howard Webb, Anti-Manchester United

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    This ditty makes it in not so much on its lyrical prowess, but more the fact that it has been so widely accepted by almost every fan contingent that isn’t on the red side of Manchester. It goes:

    (Generic football tune)

    “He’s bald, he’s red,

    He sleeps in Fergie’s bed,

    Howard Webb, Howard Webb.”

    Obviously we can’t say anything about the accuracy of this chant, which is sung by the fans of pretty much any team that lines up against Manchester United when Howard Webb is in charge, for fear of libel claims. But that has no bearing on whether or not you have to believe the insinuations (most sane people do), and regardless, it’s still very funny.

     

In Your Liverpool Slums/In Your Manchester Scrubs, Anti-Liverpool/Man United

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    We imagine that when Peter McGovern penned his most famous tribute to his home town, he didn’t properly consider the lengths that football fans will go just to give a bit of stick to the opposition. As a result, on one hand we have the traditional lyrics that shine a glowing light on Liverpool life, and on the other, a slightly lower-brow alternative:

    (To the tune of Peter McGovern’s “In My Liverpool Home”)

    “In your Liverpool slums,

    In your Liverpool slums,

    Your mum’s on the game and your dad’s in the nick,

    You can’t get a job ’cause you’re so f***ing thick,

    In your Liverpool slums.

     

    In your Liverpool slums,

    In your Liverpool slums,

    You look in the dustbin for something to eat,

    You find a dead dog and think it’s a treat,

    There’s s*** on the pavement and p*** in the street,

    In your Liverpool slums.”

     

    Of course, never ones to back down from a slating match, the Kopites hit back with their own, Manchester-orientated rendition:

    “In your Manchester scrubs,

    In your Manchester scrubs,

    You speak with accents that no-one can stand,

    You’re ugly fat b******* with s*** on your hands,

    In your Manchester scrubs.”

     

    Opinions on which is better in the comments section, please.

Stuck in the Middle Giroud, Arsenal

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    An interesting entry, not just on the obvious humour and intelligence that went into it, but also its current pertinence—in a previous article we were lambasted by some for suggesting that Lukas Podolski isn’t a centre-forward or striker (left-forward), and this Arsenal fan chant confirms our point:

    (To the tune of Stealers Wheel’s “Stuck In The Middle With You”)

    “Podolski to the left of me, Walcott to the right,

    Stuck in the middle Giroud.”

    Most Arsenal songs are just as short, if not shorter, but the fans are a particularly amusing breed when it comes to their lyrics, and seeing as this is one of the better (and lengthier) chants, we had to include it.

     

     

     

Fernando Torres, Anti-Torres

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    It’s widely accepted that the £50 million move from Liverpool to Chelsea in 2011 signalled the end of the Spaniard’s best playing days—in our expert opinion, the now-permanent drop in form came about closer to when he cut off his hair, so that must be it.

    Still, we’ll never know, so let’s enjoy a composition that attempts to tell the tale:

    (To the tune of “The Animals Went In Two-By-Two”)

    “He’s now a blue, he was a red, Torres, Torres,

    He left the Kop to join the Shed, Torres, Torres,

    Fifty-mil has ruined his life and now John Terry’s s****ed his wife,

    Fernando Torres,

    Chelsea number nine.”

     

    Having read it and then sung it (under breath), it appears that the attempt was very successful.

The Norwich Family, Anti-Norwich City

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    Television theme music has long been a staple for fans who are looking for the tune to their next round of opinionated singing, and with this one it’s safe to say that one of the best-known jingles has not been wasted:

    (To the tune of “The Addams Family Theme”)

    “Your mother is your sister,

    Your father is your brother,

    You like to f*** each other,

    The Norwich family.”

    Naturally this particular rendition is an Ipswich Town supporters’ version, directed at their favourite cousins, Norwich City. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t adopt and adapt the next time your club meets more rural opposition, which is an option that a lot of fans exploit.

Park, Park, Manchester United

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    This very politically incorrect ode to the South Korean legend, who is currently on-loan at PSV Eindhoven from Queens Park Rangers, somehow manages to be both witty, offensive and charming all in one verse:

    (To the tune of Michael Flatley’s “Lord of the Dance”)

    “Park, Park, wherever you may be,

    You eat dogs in your country,

    But it could be worse,

    You could be f***ing scouse,

    Eating rats in your council house.”

    As with anything in the 21st century, there is a bit of oo-ing and ah-ing when you read the second line—which, to be fair, is hardly factually inaccurate—while the rest of it has never been featured at the top of any Liverpool fan’s top 10.

    But, all things considered, when have football fans ever been bothered what the PC-brigade think?

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