Athletes Who Need Their Own Brand of Food
Shoe endorsements are great, but you know what really brings in the big bucks? Selling your own brand of bratwurst.
That’s not even remotely true, but there is money to be made in food and the food service industry, and with Mike Ditka recently announcing his plans to launch his own line of super-sized sausages, I began to wonder:
What other sports stars are missing out on a huge opportunity by not starting a line of edible goodness?
After some thinking I’ve come up with a list of athletes who need to capitalize on their fame and start hawking their own brand of food. The fans are hungry, and if they want Jay Cutler cutlets in their mouths, they deserve to have them.
Open wide, sports fans—here comes the choo-choo train.
Victor Cruz Salsa
♫ Salsa on the field, salsa over there. Salsa in your mouth, salsa everywhere. ♫
Boom—there’s your jingle, Victor. All you have to do now is do your dance with a bottle of hot, habanero-kissed deliciousness and “Victor Cruz Salsa” will fly off the shelf.
This stuff sells itself.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia: Saltalamacchiatos
Does Jarrod Saltalamacchia drink a lot of coffee? I have no idea.
It doesn’t really matter, however, considering his last name begs for him to become the front man for a line of espresso-based drinks.
Starbucks has already introduced the salted caramel macchiato—it’s high time coffee shops of the world step to the Jarrod Saltalamacchiato.
Patrick Kane: Kaner Kanes
Minty, fresh and soaked in grain alcohol, Kaner Canes are the dessert for the hockey fan who enjoys fresh breath and don’t mind being charged with battery.
These little treats answer the question “What would it taste like if candy got drunk and punched a taxi driver?”
Adrian Peterson: “All Day” Applejacks
Apples are good, but All Day Applejacks are better.
Adrian Peterson seems like a guy who wakes up, hits the gym and crushes a big bowl of delicious, sugary cereal—all before 7 a.m.
All Day Applejacks are the perfect morning meal for the early bird who doesn’t want to choke back a disgusting bowl of Wheaties. They'll make you go all day. Or until the sugar crash comes tumbling down.
LeBron James: Baby Food
It sounds like a slight on LeBron, but endorsing a baby food might be one of the best business decisions the King has yet to make.
Think about it: He already has preteens lusting over his shoes, why not shoot earlier and hook them (and their parents) in the crib?
The next generation of little ballers get introduced to James via LeBron Apple Sauce and Chosen One Baby Formula (now available in “Flop-berry”).
“Puig Pops: Ice cold and amazing every time.”
They’re just what you need to gut out a hot summer day at the ballpark.
Ronaldinho: Brazilian Steak House
Picture this with me: Ronaldinho Gaucho’s Steak House and Churrascaria.
The Brazilian soccer star’s restaurants would serve every meat you’ve ever wanted, all bathed in sauces and served on skewers by friendly passadores, who expertly juggle soccer balls in between courses.
It would be fine Brazilian dining and “service with a crooked smile.”
Kobe Bryant: Kobe Beef
It’s too easy, but it must be said: Ordering the “Kobe Beef” at a Kobe Bryant-themed hibachi grill would be the ultimate dining experience for any Lakers fan.
Obviously, the beef would come extremely hot, with “Shaq Eel Sauce” on the side.
Jay Cutler—Veal Cutlets
J-Cutty's Cutlets: “Eat 'em. Or don’t. I don’t give a (bleep).”
Darnell Dockett—Alligator Tails
It would never be served in a five-star restaurant, but that wouldn’t stop certain people from enjoying Darnell Dockett’s Alligator Tails.
Just don’t ask where he gets the meat, or why his phone number and a winky face are on the packaging.
McKayla Maroney: Filet Mignon
“Daaahling—if the steak isn't medium rare, send it back."
US Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney doesn't settle for anything less than the best, and neither should you, discerning customer.
Chris Bosh: Chicken Nugget Dino Bites
Simple. Elegant. Needs to happen.
The best part about eating Chris Bosh Dino Bites would be trying to figure out which nugget is the Miami Heat forward, and which is a therapod from the Cretaceous period.
Cristiano Ronaldo: Salad Dressing
Is it hair gel? Or a light balsamic?
Jokes on you, guy—it’s both. Cristiano Ronaldo’s ideal food line would involve a tasty, low calorie salad dressing that would double as a medium hold styling gel.
Like the Real Madrid superstar, Cristiano salad dressing would the perfect marriage of form and function.
Mike Trout: Fish Sticks
It’s not a question of if Mike Trout is going to start endorsing fish-related food products, it’s only a matter of when.
Get on it, Mike.
Zdeno Chara: Chara Cheddar
Strong and occasionally overwhelming, Chara Cheddar would challenge even the most distinguished palates.
The commercials Zdeno Chara would film for the cheese would make it all worth it. Who doesn’t want to see a 6’9” giant tee off a slapshot on a big stinky wheel of cheese?
Tim Tebow: Communion Wafers
It’s time, Tim—time put that Adonis physique to work and start selling the body of Christ.
It’s not sacrilegious if the profits go to the Lord.
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