Fantasy Baseball: It's What Willis Wasn't Talking About

Chris Murphy@@SeeMurphsTweetsAnalyst IMay 12, 2009

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - MAY 09:  Ally McCoist coach of Rangers shouts instructions to his players, during the Scottish Premier League match between Rangers and Celtic at Ibrox stadium on May 9, 2009 in Glasgow, Scotland.  (Photo by Jeff J Mitchell/Getty Images)

This just in: Chris Murphy held a pitchers-only meeting for his fantasy players.

We, however, were able to find an old Michael Jackson wig, a sumo wrestling suit, and punched one of our reporters in the face a couple times to pose as Bartolo Colon to get the inside scoop.

Joel Hanrahan left the meeting early when Murphy asked who he was.  CC Sabathia also left early when Murphy reminded him that he was no longer in the National League and had to prepare to pitch to good hitters instead of mediocre ones and fellow pitchers.

Kevin Slowey was a topic Murphy focused on, lashing into the Twins' starter saying, "if your pitches don't starting missing balls then you will." 


What To Do!

Kevin Slowey - 4-1, 5.50 era, 25 Ks, 2 walks, 1.51 whip

It may seem a bit crazy, but hold on to him.  The man was compared to Greg Maddux last year.  That does not happen often.  He is not doing anything horrible by a pitcher seeing as he is not walking anyone.  Sooner or later those ground balls will find a player on defense.

Murphy told Fausto Carmona to make a deal with the devil to learn how to throw strikes.  When Carmona didn't make the connection between his name and the German legend, Faust, who made a deal with the devil, Murphy simply told him to "go to hell."  


What To Do!

Fausto Carmona - 1-4, 5.57 era, 25 Ks, 23 walks, 1.57 whip

Drop the hell out of him. 

Even in his last start where he went 6.2 innings while just giving up 2 earned runs, he walked 6. His walk to strike out ratio is absolutely ridiculous and with so many good pitchers on waivers, he is not at all worth it.

Like many Latin pitchers, the league has caught on to Carmona's stuff and refuse to swing if he continually tries to dance around the plate.

Pitchers on waivers worth looking at include Dallas Braden, Trevor Cahill, Edwin Jackson, Scott Richmond, Randy Wolf, Doug Davis or Barry Zito. 

Murphy claimed he had millions of jokes to mock Chien-Ming Wang's fortitude, but simply told him to "Wang chung his ass out the door."  Wang needed no interpreter to send a message to Murphy as he grabbed his crotch in his direction before walking out of the meeting. 


What To Do!

Chien-Ming Wang - There is no reason to even put his stats.  Just drop him and if you have some strange love for him, pick him up when he's off the DL because no one else will. 

Murphy attempted to use the very little Spanish he knows when addressing Edinson Volquez. "No me gusta" is all Murphy said.  Volquez simply nodded giving the room the sense he would bounce back.


What To Do!

Edinson Volquez - 4-2, 4.40 era, 43 Ks, 28 walks, 1.30 whip

Hold on to him.  Volquez is striking out a lot of batters and before running into one of the hottest offenses in baseball, the St. Louis Cardinals, Volquez had thrown 16 scoreless innings.  With the potential he has, dropping him would just be foolish for what is on waivers right now. 

Murphy ended the meeting saying he would talk to his closers at a later date and would hopefully one day hold a meeting for the players who have done well on his team; if that ever happens.

As Murphy left the meeting, he asked if Colon had lost weight. Our reporter intelligently said, "I'm hungry," and Murphy was none the wiser.