Do you ever wonder what tennis players write on their postcards to their family? I have put a collection of would-be postcards that may or may not be accurate. Different players have different people that they write to. Some have families and others just write to friends.
In the coming weeks, the tennis schedule will be busy and the postcards will definitely be flying!!
Dear Cousin Anton,
It was nice that I actually got to write to someone in my family who is not here watching my matches.
I know that you still in hospital with the cast and still under traction. I told you that extreme tennis and downhill skiing were not to be mixed!
Truly, from my heart I know that even all that you have gone through, I know that you would be here. However, with the coma that you are in, we the Djokovic family are ok that you could not make it.
However, do not make this a regular habit. It will not be tolerated.
Write me back when you get this! I want to hear from you by the French Open.
Hola Ma from di big villa Madrid!
Tankyuverymuch for to pack my lunch. Di fisch was very delicioso! Too bad, everybady complain about da smell on di plen. I hed to eat it early before dey trow my bags off di plane.
Madrid is a still de same, no? I am look forward to French Open. Dey have da someteeng new dis year. Dey call de week before de Open da Modder of All Rivalry.
Jou bring jour tennis racket becoz jou gonna play Roger's modder for da big trophy. Uncle Toni gonna make chure you improve to play your bes...and after jou win, jou have to say dat Mrs. Federer da bes!! Dey gonna love if you do dat.
Hasta La Paris!!
I am writing to you from Madrid. I wanted to let you know that I am now No. 3. I am not sure that this postcard will ever reach because you keep changing your address. It is usually not long before the next lady drives you out.
Oh well, at least you gave up the sheep...or did you?
To make sure you get this, I am releasing to all the Scottish papers and I am sure that the pub you are being pi**ed drunk in, will get someone to slap you conscious so that you can read it.
I have tried little things to get back at you, Dad. For one, I am dating an English girl.
I have just spent the day on a beautiful Spanish beach. As I lay in the warm sun, I am thinking of you soaking wet back in Scotland trying to decide if you have been soaked by the Scottish rain or your own urine.
Dear Gwen Stefani (the hollaback girl),
Have not seen you in a while. I have been busy here in Spain getting ready for the Madrid Masters and the French Open.
I am sorry that I did not get you tickets for the French Open and Wimbledon. I confess that I purposefully did not get them for you because...you see... you are just plain bad luck.
Ever since you have been attending my matches, I have been on a losing slide.
I saw you on American Idol. Your performance reminded me of my own problems with tennis these days. You worked hard and tried to perform with energy but in the end there were a lot of better younger singers.
I think Simon would have savaged you if he had the chance to judge your performance. Speaking of "Britain's Got Talent", I have a score to settle with Andy Murray.
I hope you are not too upset with me. I will understand if you do not get me tickets to a "No Doubt" show but will be relieved just the same.
I have to pull out all the stops to give myself winning chances at the French Open and Wimbledon this year. If that means no tickets for you, well then, no tickets for you!
One more thing, the producers of "Swiss Idol" want to know if you could perform there. They say you sing like a yoddler and so I am sure that you would feel right at home.
All the best and a hella good!
I know that you are pi**ed off at me for not letting you to come to Spain with me. I am sorry....really am sorry.
You are what....five years younger than I am and I do not trust you hanging around the likes of Nadal and Verdasco.
We are in clay season honey, and I feel insecure with those two, especially since they will be kicking my ass for the next two tournaments.
It's not going to be pretty so you do not need to see this. I will be home soon, bumpkin and it won't be long before you feel my racket swinging at your bottom.
The Real A-Rod
I have to tell you that the tour is getting tougher and tougher. There are younger players coming up and they are dynamite.
I still have the drive and inspiration to do well here in Madrid. I fight each match point by point. I will not give an inch until I have played my best.
What drives my inspiration? Why do I sweat bullets? The reason why I battle so hard is that I want to get me one of those Williams sisters. MM MM....that is what I am talking about.
I want Serena ...no Venus....no wait....Serena...umm no make that Venus....you know what.....give them both to me. I sure would like a game of doubles with them.
I usually over-run my forehand thinking about what those lovely ladies are going to wearing on that windy tennis court.
Just wanted to let everyone know down under that I am still playing tennis. Took some pictures here in the Spanish outback but could not find any kangs.
I think my backward hat wearing has caught on in America. In their sport called "Baseball", I have influenced the person that plays "the Catcher".
Put another shrimp on the barbie, I will be home soon especially if I get knocked out of the first round.
Dear Missing Person Network of America,
I am not da person named "Buckwheat"! I do not know oo dis person is. I do not ave any friend called "Spanky" or "Alfalfa".
I know James Blake very well, but I do not know oo Robert Blake is.
Who is dis band "P-funk" that you keep saying dat I am a part of? I do not do da musique.
De only dance I do if I win, I learn from my grandpa when he stumble home at two in da morning very very drunk!
Odder dan dat, laisse-moi tranquil! (Leave me alone!)
Dear Muhammed Ali,
I am still waiting for the paternity tests to come through. My mother says she has not seen you in over 20 years. She says you gave her a night to remember after buying George Foreman's grill!
They used to tease me in school because I looked a lot like you. Everytime I got the wrong answer, they call me dope-a-rope!! Thanks a lot for that.
If the paternity tests are positive, I want to take your last name. I will be known as Jo-Wilfred "Clay" Tsonga. Maybe this will bag me a French Open.
Get that paternity money ready, Papa!