Michael Phelps is the perfect American.  He’s everything we want to be.  He’s young, he’s successful, he’s rich, he’s tagging girls above his pay grade. And let’s be honest, he owned the Beijing Olympics.  
 
A report came out today that the opening ceremonies for the China Olympics last summer was the most watched live event in human history.  Sweet.  What’s not to like about athletes walking in a circle?  Regardless, that Olympics pulled ratings, that Olympics was big, and Michael Phelps owned it.  
 
8 up, 8 wins down. 8 golds.  How you like me now world biatches.  
 
Mikey made America proud because he won, and won clean (see Manny and A-Rod).  Mike did what America does best:  kick the world’s ass when we really apply ourselves (see WWII and capitalism up until (oddly) right after the Olympics).
 
Then, we’re starting to find out, Mike did what American does ‘2nd best’: Implode from success.  
 
First he got tagged in a photo pulling a massive bong hit (yeah, because that’s what you want to do, pass the bong to the kid with super human lung capacity (what, was Lance Armstrong doing a whippet at the time and unavailable??).
 
Now, the same news agency that broke that story has another bombshell.
 

 


‘Those look real’
 
 
Apparently Mikey likes to get his perv on with strippers Fredo-style, 2 at a time.  He also still likes to smoke.  Loves to dip.  Play online poker.  And his fridge is full of beerz.
 
In short, Mike is All-American American dude.
 
Should the flyover states be upset?  Is their icon just another phony?
 
Fuck no.  What early 20-year old millionaire wouldn’t pull the same route.  And for those of you who say you wouldn’t, read the story, http://www.newsoftheworld.co.uk/news/298641/Michael-Phelps-had-threesome-with-lapdancer-Theresa-White-and-stripper-friend-DRUGS-shame-Olympic-swimming-star-Phelps.html.
 
Like you’d say no if this girl….


…came up to you and asked you which girl you’d want to do a 3-some with.
 
Eddie Shore loves Phelps.  Eddie Shore went to college with about 40 dudes just like Mike.  Minus the 8 gold medals, international fame, and money. Quick dumping on the guy for being America.
 
Working for success, and then exploiting it into a trainwreck is what America is all about. Look at Hollywood, look at Wall Street, look at every female teacher who shags a 14 year-old-boy*
*A quick moment to point out how proud Eddie Shore is that these stories keep coming, and the talent level of the teacher keeps improving.  Atta girls, America.
 
Don’t hate on Mike Phelps for throwing away his image.  Don’t stop believing in Mike Phelps for blowing his reputation.  Don’t get upset that Mike spent years under water, then blew it all with a few weeks of bad behavior.
 
Embrace it. Just like we should embrace A-Rod and Manny.  Because it’s what America is all about.  Spending a lifetime working towards something great, and then throwing it away for basic pleasure.  
 
Who wants to be that old guy giving away money to charity.  Let’s be honest, that’ll never be you.  Instead, take your paycheck, hop a flight to Vegas, and burn it on some bad bet, or dirty LA ‘self-employed’ dancer.  That’s what our forefathers envisioned, and that’s what our boys fought for.  
 
Michael Phelps like strippers.  Michael Phelps is a cheap tipper.  Michael Phelps cries easily.  And Michael Phelps like to call his moms.  That doesn’t make him a bad person (except the crying part, but then again he’s in a pool so no one really has to see that).  That makes him normal.  And last I checked, we could use more normal people in America.
 
Plus, think how great his reality TV show will be someday.  Swimmer, turned stoner/poker player who likes strippers. You can’t write that kind of shite.  Or if you’re the CW, you can, but it’s too high brow for your network.
 
Long live Phelps. There is no toking in the Champagne room. 

For more Eddie Shore, check out http://www.dbbsports.com/ (breaking balls every day).