As a cheerleader, sharing a region with a rival intrastate squad that's drenched in tradition can be frustrating. (No, that's not written from personal experience.)
Example: Did you know the STAPLES Center also houses a squad named the Clippers Spirit? I didn't either—hat tip to Google magic.
For overshadowed crews, there are two ways to grab headlines and sway spotlights: Wait for Kirsten Dunst to draw the "Janet Jackson" card in celebrity Charades.
Or, go the less risque route by heading to the local grocery store, forming a Soul Train line and shaking enough to cause marital problems.
The Houston Texans Cheerleaders went with the latter and introduced Missy Elliot to the senior citizen community.
For husbands who belt out weekly groans to "Honey, we're out of milk," consider this karma's thank you letter.
Just don't let your googly-eyed stares skew reality: If this, for any unconscionable reason, inspires you to mention a gym membership to your significant other, take this opportunity to delete your browser history—you still might be able to salvage a pillow or two before sleeping with your legs dangling over the couch.
That includes you, redshirted casanova, who now has to piece together an alibi by bringing home a bottle of Chardonnay and swearing that you were waiting for the aisle to clear. (The "I didn't want to be rude!" route only leads to a dead end with a five-fingered imprint.)
May Cupid have mercy on his soul.
Your move, Dallas.
For more marital advice from an unmarried sportswriter, follow Brett on Twitter:
Like the new article format? Send us feedback!