In the world of sports there are sinners and there are saints. Celebrated saints include Danny Wuerffel, Tim Tebow, and...I guess Drew Brees? On the sinners side, you have Albert Haynesworth teaching us about sportsmanship, Adam "Pacman" Jones giving lessons on meteorology, and Michael Vick educating the public on animal husbandry.
Unfortunately, sportswriters are often reluctant to grill these criminals about their misdeeds. It's sadly understandable, though: ask the wrong guy the right question and suddenly your organization is locked out of practices and games. Or maybe they're just afraid of Haynesworth stomping their faces in.
As a result, the world is full of empty questions and empty information. "Got any mildly inflammatory rhetoric for [hated division rival]?" "How about that [showboating wide receiver all over SportsCenter]?" "Coach, any vague comments on [underachieving first-round draft pick/injured veteran/Brett Favre]?"
What we need is someone with balls.
So these suggested questions aren't for the gainfully employed sportswriter with a pretty face. This is for the guy getting laid off next week. With the economy in the toilet and the newspaper industry crashing and burning faster than the Hindenburg, there's got to be someone out there with nothing to lose. Not me, though; I'm just starting out in the biz.
So to you, the disgruntled reporter facing "right-sizing," I offer you this list of five questions for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers' Jerramy Stevens. Knock back a shot of liquid courage and dive on in.
1. You played quarterback in high school. Did it frustrate you back then when receivers would drop easy catches like you do now?
2. You've been charged with reckless driving and driving under the influence a handful of times. Your salary is listed as just under $656,000. Why can't you afford to hire a driver or at least call a cab when you're intoxicated?
3. The Seattle Times reported you had some problems with complaints lodged against you from your condominium board including setting off fireworks, having loud parties/fights at all hours, vomiting on doors, double parking, and leaving used condoms on other residents' decks. Does the University of Washington still have etiquette classes?
4. Speaking of Washington, did you have anything to do with the drugging of the girl you were accused of raping or was that just you allegedly being in the right place at the right time?
5. How do you sleep at night?