This just in: Chris Murphy holds closed door meeting with his fantasy players.
We, however, put a Manny Ramirez jersey on a pregnant Jamaican woman to get the inside scoop.
Lance Berkman was seen leaving the meeting crying due to comments Murphy made about his flamboyant first name and for saying Kurt Suzuki, one of Murphy's catchers, has the same numbers as Berkman except his batting average "could actually buy a hot dog."
Suzuki just brushed off the comments.
He was just happy to be mentioned.
Lance Berkman—.184 batting average, seven home runs, 16 RBI, 14 runs, and 0 stolen bases.
What To Do!
It is physically impossible to drop Lance Berkman, so there is really no point to even get angry over his slow start. The power numbers aren't terrible, but he has to start getting the average up.
If you're really dying...then pick up someone like Paul Konerko, Billy Butler, or Nick Johnson for now, but—by all probability—Berkman should be fine.
Magglio Ordonez stormed out of the meeting, which we later found out was because he was asked to leave the premises and come back after he talks to Manny Ramirez's doctor on how to get his power back.
Magglio Ordonez—.229 batting average, two home runs, 12 RBI, 10 runs, and 0 stolen bases.
What To Do!
This could be the downfall of Ordonez. He is getting older and rumors (Ozzie Guillen saying Magglio should stop talking trash because Guillen knows things that could ruin him) point to the possibility of steroids being a part of his past.
He dropped from batting .363 to .317 last year and 28 home runs to 21 home runs.
Ordonez is not a bad fantasy player by any means, but there are better players out there. Good pickups for the outfield as of this moment are Elijah Dukes, Willy Taveras, Jeff Francoeur, Jack Cust, or Michael Bourn.
There was a scuffle between Dan Uggla and Asdrubal Cabrera after Murphy officially named Cabrera the starter over Uggla to which Uggla replied, "Who the hell is assdribble Cabrera?"
Dan Uggla—.194 batting average, four home runs, 18 RBI, 10 runs, and 0 stolen bases.
Asdrubal Cabrera—.315 batting average, one home run, 15 RBI, 21 runs, and five stolen bases.
What To Do!
If this is the best Uggla can do behind Hanley Ramirez then it may be time to drop him or trade him.
He is a name to which people will recognize and perhaps take a deal.
Cabrera has been phenomenal and may finally be living up to the potential the Indians felt he had.
If you can't get Cabrera, look for Rickie Weeks or Akinori Iwamura.
Jhonny Peralta was not allowed to even enter the meeting after receiving a note on his locker with three ways Murphy felt his first name could be spelled and still make sense.
The note also told Peralta to "get the hell off the team."
Jhonny Peralta—.210 batting average, one home run, 10 RBI, 11 runs, and 0 stolen bases.
What To Do!
Peralta is easily replaceable seeing as he was a late round pick in the first place. Shortstops on waivers worth looking at include Felipe Lopez, Yunel Escobar, or Alberto Callaspo.
Murphy also was reported to have led the team in a prayer thanking God David Ortiz, Mark Teixeira, Aramis Ramirez, Geovany Soto, Josh Hamilton, Jimmy Rollins, Vladimir Guerrero, Brandon Webb, or CC Sabthia were not drafted by his team.
The meeting ended with Murphy asking why Manny Ramirez's water broke.
We will have more fantasy reports from Chris Murphy's locker room as soon as we find a new reporter to go undercover.