Real Madrid's Bid for Gareth Bale: What Else Can £100m Buy?
Tottenham Hotspur have reportedly rejected an £85 million bid from Real Madrid for Gareth Bale and want them to round it up to a nice even £100 million (in what could possibly be the most expensive bout of OCD ever recorded), as claimed by Tom Hopkinson of The Mirror.
You really have to stop and ask yourself, "Is one human being worth £100 million?" Especially a human being that is very unlikely to bring about world peace, cure any diseases or invent plates made out of bacon.
100 million British pounds sterling.
116 million Euros.
154 million U.S. dollars.
166 million Australian dollars.
55 billion Zimbabwe dollars.
No matter what currency it is in, that amount with the right accountant and a bit of thought could be used to buy other things than the rights for one man from Cardiff to play football for you for a few years.
So, should Real Madrid have a change of heart and want to spend that amount on other things, we have a few suggestions.
29% of Liverpool FC
Now, before John W, Henry hits Twitter to raise questions about our levels of intoxication, we must point out that FSG have denied they are trying to sell, as reported in the Liverpool Echo by James Pearce.
But when you consider they paid £300 million for the club back in 2010 and that since then, the biggest change to the squad has been the addition of striker and stranger-to-controversy, Luis Suarez, for whom they reportedly want £50 million for, £350 million isn't a bad estimate.
One hundred million is 29 percent (rounded up to the nearest whole number) of 350 million.
So never mind paying for 100 percent of one Premier League footballer. Real Madrid can have 29 percent of a Premier League team for that money.
Two Fernando Torreses
You don't need to be Stephen Hawking to work out that 50 million + 50 million = 100 million.
So for the money they might spend on one Gareth Bale, they could have two Fernando Torreses playing for them instead!
Yeah, we'd go for one Bale as well.
Three Luka Modrics and One Darren Bent
This whole situation of Tottenham's star player wanting to take the first flight to Madrid isn't a new thing. Luka Modric left White Hart Lane for the Bernabeu in August 2012 for £26.4 million.
So 26.4 million x 3 = 79.2 million.
Before you say it, we will hold our hands up and acknowledge anyone who is willing to pay £16.5 million for Darren Bent in 2013 is out of their mind. Or Harry Redknapp.
Hang on a second!
Whatever happened to the Real Madrid and Tottenham "partnership" that evolved from that Luka Modric deal? Tottenham claimed that meant "working together in respect of players, coaching, best practices and commercial relationships," as the Daily Mail reported last year.
Edinson Cavani, Marquinhos and Lucas Digne
The deal wouldn't make Real Madrid the first team to break the £100 million in transfer mark this transfer window.
Ligue 1 champions Paris Saint Germain, who seem to have no sense of saving up for a rainy day, have spent that, albeit on three players, not one.
PSG have purchased Edison Cavani for £55million, Marquinhos for £27million and Lucas Digne for £12million. Don't bother getting the calculator out; we've done the leg work for you. It's £94 million.
Which leaves £6 million left over. Are you thinking what we're thinking?
Isco, Mesut Ozil, Sami Khedira, Angel Di Maria, Raphael Varane and Nuri Sahin
The £100 million Real Madrid might spend on a single Gareth Bale is the same amount they've spent on six of their current players.
They paid £23 million for Isco in June 2013.
£9 million for Raphael Varane in June 2011.
£8 million for Nuri Sahin in May 2011.
£13 million for Mesut Ozil in August 2010.
£12 million for Sami Khedira in June 2010.
£34.5 million for Angel Di Maria in May 2010.
Altogether, that makes £99.5million.
Are you thinking what we're thinking?
10 17-Year-Old Gareth Bales
If Spurs manage to get Real Madrid to pay £100 million for Bale, who will the most unhappy set of fans be?
Tottenham Hotspur fans because they have lost their star player or Real Madrid fans because their club is paying so much for one player?
Neither. It will be Southampton fans, because when their club sold 17-year-old Gareth Bale to Spurs in 2007, the BBC reported, "Southampton said Spurs will make an immediate payment of £5m, with further additional payments that could see the transfer fee rise to £10m."
After 203 games and nine years, it’s safe to guess the fee rose to £10 million. Which might have been a good deal for a teenager at the time. But in hindsight, they could have sold him for more—900 percent more, in fact.
Southampton are the guy on Deal Or No Deal who took the banker's offer of £10,000 only to find £250,000 in their box. The fools.
Pre-Order the New Tottenham Hotspur Home Shirt for the Entire Population of Slovenia
If the deal does go ahead and Spurs receive £100 million, they have multiple ways they can reinvest that cash.
They can go through the boring route of buying new players (and, with £100 million, you can buy quite a few new players), or they can think outside the box.
They can invest it in turning an entire East European nation into Tottenham fans.
According to Spurs' official online shop, the new short-sleeve home shirt is available to pre-order for £48.
The former Yugoslav republic of Slovenia has a population of 2,060,525.
£48 x 2,060,525 = £98,905,200
Leaving enough money to buy the entire population of Portishead, Somerset, England a Spurs shirt too.
And how much money would all of Slovenia and Portishead pump into the club? This is by far the best use of £100 million.
Buy All of Phoenix, Arizona a Real Madrid Home Shirt with “BALE 11” Printed
...if Real Madrid get wind of Spurs' genius idea to convert all of Slovenia (and Portishead, Somerset) into Tottenham Hotspur safeholds, they could do the same. Pull out of the Bale deal and buy every person who lives in the US city of Phoenix, Arizona a Real Madrid home shirt.
But not just any Real Madrid home shirt. With that money you could buy each Phoenixian a Real Madrid home shirt with "BALE" and the number "11" printed on the back.
Why pay all that money for one man with Gareth Bale's name and number (we'll admit that one person would be the actual Gareth Bale) when you could have nearly one and a half million people with Gareth Bale's name and number (we'll admit none of those people would be the actual Gareth Bale)?
Population of Phoenix: 1,488,750
Price of Real Madrid Home Shirt with "Bale" "11" printing: £65.33
Phoenix x Bale shirts = £97,260,037
And you'd have enough money left over to buy Bale 11 Real Madrid Shirts for New York City's homeless population.
Buy the Entire Population of Brazil the Official QPR 2012 Annual
Why would you want to do that?
We don't know—we're getting carried away. But you could. That's the point we're trying to prove. You could do that.
Pay for All of Portrush, Northern Ireland to Have Wayne Rooney's Hair Transplant
Speaking of getting carried away!
We don't know why Spurs or Real Madrid could possibly want to spend the money that way, but every person in Portrush who is worrying about their receding hairline would be extremely grateful for it.
Remake Gigli. Twice.
The 2003 romcom film starring Jennifer Lopez, Ben Affleck, Al Pacino and Christopher Walken?
It was the big-budget ($75 million/£50million) film that flopped like a Chelsea striker.
Well, for £100 million, you could remake that. Twice.
Yeah, giving a Northern Ireland town hair transplants doesn't sound so bad all of sudden, does it?
Pay for Kim Kardashian to Get Married Another 15 Times
Reality star and mother to Kanye West's offspring, Kim Kardashian's wedding to NBA star Kris Humphries cost $10 million according to The Daily Mail.
Kim and Kris' marriage lasted 72 days before they filed for divorce. With such a sharp marriage to divorce turnaround, Kim will be getting married many more times in her life. At $10 million a go, the transfer fee for Gareth Bale could instead pay for her next fifteen ceremonies.
All of them will probably be televized.
Do you want the link to the QPR shop again, Real Madrid?
Instead of buying Gareth Bale, what would you buy with £100 million/$153 million? Put your answers in the comments below.