The 30 Most Ridiculous Quotes of the Summer Transfer Window 2013 So Far
Just because the football season is over, doesn't mean there aren't footballers out there speaking before they think and making ridiculous quotes during the summer transfer window.
We might not even be a month into the window, but we've had a lifetime's worth of stupidity from football's great and good. And some a little worse than that.
We're ranking them from 30 to one on, as you may have guessed, just how ripe for ridicule their individual quotes may be. And, as you'll soon see, they're all ready for picking from the ridiculous tree.
30. Andre Villas-Boas on Life After Football
While there hasn't been any football going on, Tottenham Hotspur boss Andre Villas-Boas has been talking about life after football:
For me, there is a limit and, in the next 5 to 10 years, I will quit coaching. To compete in the Dakar Rally is a lifetime ambition for me and is something I know I have to do. It went from a passion to an obligation, a destination of life, but I can only do it when I leave football. I will do it.
For those of you who don't know, the Dakar Rally is an off-road endurance car race that formerly went from France to Senegal, but is now held in South America due to security concerns. In 31 races, nearly 70 people have died.
So, needless to say, for AVB it will be a very intense danger he hasn't experienced since managing Chelsea.
29. Jurgen Klopp on Isco
Borussia Dortmund manager Jurgen Klopp has been defending his side's transfer policy and not trying to sign the likes of Isco or Thiago Alcantara.
We thought about signing Isco. We are not stupid.
We're sure BVB fans can take comfort in the knowledge that the team aren't stupid and they have thought about signing players.
28. Brendan Rodgers on the Quality of Liverpool
Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers is at the helm of a club with a lot of history.
There are periods in the 70s and 80s where Liverpool had squads that could be argued were some of the greatest to ever play football together.
Needless to say, Liverpool fans are rightly very proud of their success and the stature it has won them in the football world. So, the fans must have been made up when Rodgers said of the Luis Suarez transfer saga:
Of course Luis wants to work and play at the top level. But unless something drastic happens, he will be staying here.
27. Greg Dyke on FA Cup Kickoff Times
Chairman of the English Football Association and no relation to Dick Van, Greg Dyke has confirmed that FA Cup finals will continue to be played at 5:15 p.m., like they have for the past two finals, as opposed to the traditional 3 p.m.
I'm certainly happy with that. If you look at the viewing figures for the past two FA Cup finals they were much bigger than they would have been had the match kicked off at 3 p.m.
However, if the FA Cup semifinals were held at 3 p.m. instead of 5:15 p.m., there wouldn’t be incidents like in this year's semifinal, when London-based Millwall fans got an extra two hours and 15 minutes in the pub to increase the chance of violence which marred their clash with Wigan Athletic.
But stuff fan safety, we're talking about viewing figures here!
26. FIFA on Every National Team in the World
FIFA released their world rankings again, the highlight being:
FIFA reckon Colombia are the third-best side in the world. Only Spain and Germany are better than them, apparently. The Colombian national team won the 2001 Copa America. They haven't won anything else since. Or before that.
It features on this list so low, because the FIFA ranking system is based on science and logic.
Albeit, flawed science and logic, as proven by other gems such as:
It's madness, isn't it? How on Earth did they put England in that high?
25. Branislav Ivanovic on Bygones Being Bygones
With Luis Suarez wanting to leave Liverpool to escape the intrusion of the British press, the natural place for him to go to be would be either London-based Arsenal or London-based Chelsea as none of the British press live in London.
In a bid to help lure Suarez to Stamford Bridge, Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic (who Suarez bit during a match in April, if you didn't know, that bit is pretty integral to the story) has said:
I said straight after the game, whatever happened on the field finished there. He's one of the best strikers in the Premier League. I don't have any problem with him.
And we have no reason to doubt Ivanovic's sincerity, or be cynical and have the hunch that he has been told to say it by the club.
24. BusinessForSale.com on Hearts of Midlothian
You can buy anything on the internet, even the third-biggest team in Scotland, as proven by BusinessForSale.Com:
Scottish Premier League Football Club Assets For Sale
Hearts of Midlothian went up for sale. On the Internet. Like it was a selection of old DVDs you finally accepted that you were never going to watch so you put them on eBay.
The only teams who have a higher attendance than them in the country are Celtic and Rangers (who, admittedly, are in a slightly more ridiculous situation).
23. Michael Owen on Potential Depression Sufferers
The recently retired (yes, "recently") Michael Owen hit back at those who have criticized him for going into horse racing (no, we don't know who he's talking about either):
It's ironic, but the people who gave me flak for building up Manor House (the stables in Cheshire where Owen breeds race horses), who told me I'd taken my eye off the ball, are probably the same people who will be depressed in later life because they didn't plan ahead.
Owen's belief that his horses can cause depression means he has as much chance of working within the mental health field as he does playing a full season of football.
22. Alan Pardew on Yohan Cabaye
Newcastle United manager Alan Pardew went public to deny that anyone is trying to buy Yohan Cabaye, despite the constant press speculation.
All the speculation will go on. It'll always go on around quality players like Cabaye, like with Rooney and Ronaldo.
Yeah, Alan. They're the same.
21. Raymond Verheijen on David Moyes Era Manchester United
Out-of-work Raymond Verheijen has been criticizing recently-hired-as-Manchester-United-manager David Moyes on Twitter. Verheijen, whose last job was assistant manager of the Welsh national team, reckons he can do a better job at managing Manchester United than Moyes:
It really makes you wonder how these pre-historic training methods can still take place at the highest level. http://t.co/EoU3apY1Sx
The only way to solve this problem in Jurassic Park is to improve education of these dinosaur coaches, fitness clowns & scientific cowboys.
But as long as most dinosaurs are still in denial & ignore how things develop in other countries, nothing will ever change in Jurassic Park.
Let's ignore that this was about a reported preseason injury sustained by Robin van Persie and van Persie was declared fit and played a match four days after the tweets were sent. But, more than anything, that just isn't the plot to Jurassic Park.
20. Olivier Giroud on His Teammates
According to The Metro, Arsenal's Olivier Giroud reckons it's finally a good transfer window to be at the Emirates:
The whole team is a lot stronger now than it was a year ago. And we've lost nobody this summer, which is the first time for Arsenal in maybe four years.
So, for the first time in recent memory, no one wants to buy anyone from Arsenal's first team. Olivier, could you define what you mean by "stronger" please?
19. Mark Lawn on Discretion
Bradford City co-owner, Mark Lawn (pictured here leaping with two feet onto the "Keep Calm And Carry On" bandwagon), hit out at Peterborough United for making public their attempt to sign Bradford's top scorer, Nahki Wells.
I am disappointed that this has been made public by Peterborough. As a club, we don’t want to do our transfer business in public and we are disappointed that another club has chosen to go down this road. All I will say is that the offer was rejected out of hand.
So, in short he stated he didn't want to speak in public about his club's transfer business. Before speaking in public about his club's transfer business.
That'll show 'em, Mark.
18. Arsene Wenger on Losing...and Death
Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger has taken to re-enacting those moments when you and your friends are all having a laugh and a joke and then one of your friends kills the mood by saying something absurdly serious and morbid:
I experience every defeat like a death.
*silence getting more awkward*
So...has anyone...seen the new series of Arrested Development?
17. Sepp Blatter on Summers in the Middle East
Football overlord and President of FIFA, Sepp Blatter, has had a moment of realization about the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.
You can cool down the stadiums, but you can't cool down the whole country.
Oh yeah! What a good point. Maybe it's best if you don’t offer to host the biggest world tournament of the biggest world sport, which has been held in the summer ever since 1930 and where that sport's elite domestic leagues mostly only have breaks for international tournaments during the summer months, in a country which has summers hotter than Mercury during a heatwave.
What do you mean you "already have!?"
“You can cool down the stadiums, but you can't cool down the whole country.” Oh, maybe don’t host the biggest world tournament of the biggest world sport, which has been held in the summer since
16. Olivier Giroud on Goalkeepers
Arsenal's Olivier Giroud is back! And he's killing the mood in a way that would make Arsene Wenger proud:
It's a friendly game but when you can 'kill' the keeper, you have to do it when you are a striker.
He's not speaking literally. We hope.
15. QPR on Christopher Samba
QPR shocked the footballing world by announcing on their official website:
Christopher Samba has today (Thursday) re-joined Anzhi Makhachkala for a club record undisclosed fee.
This isn't just ridiculous because "an undisclosed record fee" is a little disclosed as we know it’s more than their previous record fee. Reports claim the fee was £12 million, only £500,000 less than what QPR bought him for from Anzhi Makhachkala in January. Which is even more astonishing considering German Tkachenko, the Anzhi chairman, said when QPR bought Samba back in January:
In my view QPR have lost their minds. When they agreed to pay his release fee we wept.
14. Steve Bruce on Medicals
Upon Charlie Austin's transfer from Burnley to Hull City falling through after Austin failed a medical, Hull manager Steve Bruce blamed the practice of professional atheletes having medical checks:
These medicals are so stringent, things have progressed with scans and all the rest of it and he has got a problem.
He has a point. Medicals are so thorough, players must not have any hint of an injury to pass them. Players like Owen Hargreaves, Kieron Dyer and Michael Owen, who have all passed medicals in their careers.
13. Mohamed Al-Fayed on Michael Jackson Statue
Upon selling Fulham to Shahid Khan, Mohamed Al-Fayed expressed where his true worries lay about no longer running the club he was in charge of for 16 years. The future of the ridiculous Michael Jackson statue he erected in 2011 at Fulham's ground:
Michael Jackson will stay. He can't go, he is here, it is part of the deal, it is history, it is listed. You can't change otherwise I will come and take your moustache in public. He knows that.
We wonder if Fulham fans would prefer a statue of a man who visited their ground once in 1999 at Craven Cottage or an owner without a moustache?
12. Vincent Tan on Cardiff City Fans
...Speaking of "eccentric" chairmen!
Cardiff City owner and changer of their kit color from red to blue, Vincent Tan has finally had enough of about Cardiff City fans complaining about him, saying:
I am surprised there are fans against the colour. Despite the financial trouble, I was willing to invest and put a lot of money into a club combined with getting into the Premier League. So we need the fans not to be negative and disruptive.
He then continued with being disrupting and acting negatively to the club's traditions.
11. FIFA on FECAFOOT
FIFA chiefs went to their stables and found their highest horse (and not one that depresses people, before you ask, Mr. Owen) to get on. They announced:
The FIFA Emergency Committee has decided today, 4 July 2013, to provisionally suspend the Cameroonian Football Association (FECAFOOT) with immediate effect, on account of government interference.
FIFA had accused the Cameroon government on interfering in FECAFOOT elections. Causing FIFA, who have never had controversy with elections, to immediately take disciplinary action.
10. Stewart Downing on His International Future
9. Mark Hughes on Charlie Adam
New Stoke City manager and man-who-could-somehow-manage-to-find-work-on-Neptune Mark Hughes, has spoken about working with Charlie Adam:
I'm looking forward to working with Charlie (Adam) day in day out and it will be an exciting time. We'll get to know each other on a number of levels.
We're not sure what is most mockable about this quote, whether how unexciting the thought of Charlie Adam and Mark Hughes working together is or how "get to know each other on a number of levels" sounds like a euphemism for...
...something we don't want a mental image of.
8. Piers Morgan on Luis Suarez
Professional football pundit (you can't tell, but we couldn't keep a straight face whilst writing those three words) and celebrity gooner that Arsenal fans are more ashamed of than the club's trophy drought, Piers Morgan weighed in on the reports of Arsenal trying to sign Luis Suarez. Piers tweeted:
I would forgive Wenger everything if he now signs #Suarez. Guy's the best natural striker in the Premier League.
This isn't just ridiculous, because it was shortly followed by a multitude of Manchester United fans telling him that van Persie was better, but it's ridiculous because Morgan had previously tweeted his views on Luis Suarez:
And yes, if Suarez played for #Arsenal and behaved like this, I'd be equally disgusted.
7. Heurelho Gomes on Mark Van Bommel
6. Carlos Tevez on English Expectations.
There was way too much pressure. It came from everyone—the club, the fans. I think that too much pressure just hurts the team
The cheek of people wanting him to achieve things for his £200,000-a-week salary.
5. Mazinho on Thiago Alcantara
Former World Cup winner with Brazil and current father of Bayern Munich's Thiago Alcantara, Mazinho, has said of his son's move to Bayern and not Manchester United, as he was being touted:
Thiago was very close to signing with Manchester United. They had talks. But they couldn't find an agreement.
Which is all well and good, but Thiago Alcantara himself said:
The truth is that in no moment did United come to us and talk to us. It came from the press, it was always a lie.
Yeah, who knows where they got that idea from.
4. Hugo Lloris on Paulinho
Remember earlier when you were shocked that Heurelho Gomes still played for Tottenham Hotspur?
Well, Hugo Lloris said, upon Paulinho signing for Spurs:
It's a big thing for us to have a Brazil international in the team.
Cue Gomes (11 Brazil caps) and Sandro (17 Brazil caps) beginning to wonder why they bother.
3. John W. Henry on Arsenal
Liverpool owner John W. Henry took to Twitter to laugh off Arsenal's repeated attempts to buy Luis Suarez:
What do you think they're smoking over there at Emirates?
We asked something similar when John W. Henry paid £35 million for Andy Carroll.
2. Harry Redknapp on Gary Hooper
1. Everything Joe Kinnear Has Said
Joe Kinnear has been a one-man error-making machine since it was unveiled that he would become Director of Football at St James' Park (making St James the patron saint of decisions as mad as sack of cats). Here are some of the wrong-grenades he's been throwing about this summer:
I'm probably the only football manager to be a director of football. I don't know any other ex-managers who have.
There's been loads.
I've won every award there is in football as a player.
I've never been sacked in my life.
I had over 400 games for Tottenham Hotspur.
[I have] been manager of the year three times.
I thought I'd done an excellent job there [during his spell as Newcastle Untied manager] and no way would we have gone down.
With their win-per-games ratio, they would have gone down.
I bought Dean Holdsworth for 50 grand.
I sold Robbie Earle for x, y, z.
Robbie Earle left Wimbledon after Kinnear did.
I sold Marcus Gayle, Leonhardsen, Micky Harford, John Hartson, Hans Segers, most of them were free transfers.
Segers might have been a free transfer. The others were not.
I brought Krul to the club and I think he's a terrific goalkeeper.
"Derek Llambezee was the director of football.
Derek Llambias was the managing director.
I'm lending my experience as a manager for all those years—10 years at Wimbledon, two years at Nottingham Forest, two years winning promotion at Luton and, of course, almost two years at Newcastle.
He spent seven years at Wimbledon, less than a year at Nottingham Forest and five months at Newcastle United.
He did spend two years at Luton Town and won promotion. But only after getting them relegated.
Besides that, everything else he has said has been spot on.