Sports Fashion Fails: Summer 2013 Edition
Summer is hot, wet and sexy—at least, it’s supposed to be.
Warm weather brings out the adventurous side in people, and the first risks they take are with their wardrobe.
This includes crazy thoughts like, “These pant legs are too hot; I should cut them off at mid-shin,” and, “I like these sunglasses; I’m not taking them off until August.”
The impulses are weird and strong, and they only get more ridiculous in sports, where people already have a knack for pushing the limits of fashion. Following are the sports fashion fails we’ve seen so far over the course of the summer.
The weather is here—wish your gear was beautiful.
Chris Andersen’s Camo Outfit
There’s something to be said about a millionaire who wears an oak tree as his pregame outfit. It’s nonchalant and beautiful—in a barnyard, Coyote Ugly sort of way.
An irrational voice inside me whispers, “This outfit wins everything,” while the sensible human being society has attempted to cultivate in me cries, “He looks like a hillbilly ficus, you moron!”
For now, I must curb my irrationality. Chris Andersen’s Game 5 outfit during the NBA Finals was too rowdy. It was presumably the reason he didn’t see a second of floor time that night.
Dwyane Wade’s Capri Pants
Nothing says, “(Bleep) all you people” like showing up to a postseason game in a capri pantsuit.
Dwyane Wade arrived at Game 4 of the Eastern Conference semifinals with his pant cuffs lapping at his shins. It was a look the Miami Heat star didn’t pull off as much as he forced it upon the nation against its will. For that, I will never forgive him.
I will, however, give him credit for owning the look, along with the loafers. At least he didn’t wear Crocs.
Pouncey Brothers' 'Free Hernandez' Hats
Wear stupid hat to make a statement. Check.
Refuse to discuss said statement. Check.
Mike and Maurkice Pouncey’s decision to wear "Free Hernandez" hats for a night out on the town might have sounded funny at the time, but in the light of day, the twins (and America) discovered the gag was less than a knee-slapper.
Maurkice had the stones to admit the hat was in poor taste, while Mike refused to say a word about it.
Colin Kaepernick’s ESPYs Outfit
If anyone deserved a dragon kick to the groin for his outfit at the 2013 ESPYs, it’s Colin Kaepernick.
The San Francisco 49ers quarterback showed up to the gala affair in electric blue pants, a strawberry suit coat and a white button-down—‘Merica, right?
While perhaps cool in the eyes of some fans, he looked less like a 25-year-old leader of a football team and more like Justin Bieber at the Teen Choice Awards.
There’s something to be said about being fly, but it's time to get your grown man on, Colin. Put on a tie, take off the shades and leave your high-tongued Kidz Bop sneakers at home when you’re representing your team on national television.
At least he wasn't wearing Miami Dolphins colors.
Von Miller’s Dubstep Shirt
I call this a “dubstep shirt” because it’s obnoxious and slowly chips away at your soul.
I don’t dislike Von Miller; I just don’t know why he wore an Ed Hardy Christmas sweater to a Colorado Rockies game earlier this summer. Be cautioned: If you look at it too long, you'll fall into it.
Also worth mentioning is the full spectrum of swag that is on display in this image. It starts with Peyton Manning on the left representing Vesty McWeinerville and progresses toward Miller, who is off in Kanye Land.
Paul George’s Postseason Amoebas Outfit
The nation learned much about Paul George over the course of the 2013 NBA playoffs.
The budding Indiana Pacers star showed us he can be a clutch shooter who has the potential to run with LeBron James. Perhaps most importantly, he showed us he dresses like a man picking out garments at his aunt's estate sale.
The outfit George wore for Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals included a paisley shirt brimming with chloroplasts and a pair of sea-foam slacks.
The look said, “I'm a grown man, and I'll dress like a handbag if I want to."
Maria Sharapova’s Space Dress
Typically a stunner who's capable of doing nothing wrong aesthetically, Maria Sharapova wore an outfit at the 2013 ESPYs that looked like a tinfoil doll's dress.
It was poofy and seemingly asymmetrical and looked more like evening attire that the girl in The Fifth Element would be comfortable wearing.
Thank God no one showed up to the ESPYs in Chris Tucker’s outfit from that movie.
Kevin Durant’s Camo Capris
Following Dwyane Wade’s cue at the Eastern Conference semifinals, Kevin Durant rode the wave of the capri pants frenzy and posted this picture on Instagram.
Paired with a Bieber-esque leather shirt, the Oklahoma City Thunder star's camo capris say, “You’re in the driver’s seat, Miami; I’m doing my best to keep up.”
Durant might be second fiddle to LeBron, but he’s No. 1 in regrettable high-water trousers right now.
The Knicks ‘Funeral’ Attire
There isn’t a funeral if you can’t pull the plug.
The New York Knicks showed up to Game 5 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals looking to drop the final curtain on the Boston Celtics. The stunt backfired, however, and the Knicks were left to explain away their fashion misstep.
Black is slimming, but nothing looks better than winning.
LeBron James’ ESPYs Outfit
Want to meet LeBron James? Say “Beetlejuice” three times, and he might materialize in your living room wearing this tuxedo.
Aside from the fact he looked like an undead cartoon, something about James’ smoking jacket suit and his indoor sunglasses combined to make his fading hairline stand out more than usual.
You know you noticed it, too—the follicles are retreating like vampires before a sunrise.
Mike Napoli Popping the Lid
Popping the top there, pal?
Mike Napoli likes to drop a few buttons when the summer heat gets to him, but the Boston Red Sox first baseman usually rocks an undershirt to prevent any nip-slips.
When he doesn’t, however, things begin to look a little scoop top-ish.
Andre Roberson’s Waiter Outfit
And the Worst Dressed Award of the 2013 NBA draft goes to Andre Roberson, who was selected by the Minnesota Timberwolves with the 26th pick of the first round.
I’m sure he won’t take it too hard. He will be making money hand over fist in the NBA and will have plenty of cash to invest in matching bow ties and a wardrobe that doesn’t come with a free bowl of soup.
Hall of Fame: Michael Jordan and His Giant Suits
Someone—anyone—please get this mega millionaire some suits that fit him. The man is being swallowed alive by clothing that makes no sense in this day and age.
It's just not humane to let him suffer like this.