(Photo by Jed Jacobsohn/Getty Images)
On an unseasonably warm day in March about Northern California, Johnny 49er fan was walking his Jack Russell to Trader Joe’s and witnessed five super-sized men, face covered by pantyhose, rob his local neighborhood 7-11.
These behemoths weren’t doing it for the money, as it turned out, but because they were just 300 plus pounds of crazy like that. These were the kind of guys who get their kicks looting for Twinkies, Triscuits, Pokemon cards and the entire Squishee machine. They prefer slugging beers out of the hole they pierced by biting into the can, and get a high from pulling left in order to execute the ‘ol Packer sweep on a critical third and three. These are the kind of guys who are too weird to live and too rare to die.
Before you can spell trolley, Johnny was texting “Help!” on his Blackberry to the local police department. Little did Johnny 49er fan know, however, was that this is the kind of “team-building” exercise this particular ilk of goons orchestrate when they are jonesing for action in the offseason.
Detectives have a lead as to who these monsters are. As it turns out, these five men do indeed work together in public every Sunday afternoon in the Fall and Winter.
As a witness to the crime, Johnny is called in to police headquarters and asked to do his best in correctly identifying these five men of the 20 suspects who are standing in. To calm Johnny’s nerves, the detective brings you a stick of Wrigley Spearmint and whispers to no one in particular, “We were able to bring in the entire 49er offensive line for this one.”
As a football follower now that the Wall St. Journal has a sports section, the frozen Johnny, halfway from unwrapping the gum, responds, “You’re kidding?”
“You a football fan?” The detective fires back.
“Uh, yeah. I like the Niners,” Johnny replied.
The detective throws his arms up in frustration, “I knew it! This guy’s useless to us!”
Completely oblivious to the detective, Johnny continues to study the lineup and questions, “But who are these guys? And whatever happened to Larry Allen? That guy moved bodies!”
One of the men responsible for “The Inconvenient Truth,” Frank Gore’s record-setting 2006-07 season, legendary guard Larry Allen, is reportedly coaching high school football. In fact, the only holdover from that group who swept the division winning Seattle Seahawks is the center and 2008 team captain Eric Heitmann.
I don’t know if Heitmann, a Stanford alumnus, is a drinker. But just in case he is, here are the 11 barstool, belly-up, happy hour questions I would ask him about the upcoming season over an IPA:
Give me one good reason it is not fair to judge the quality of your offensive line as a unit by what I see on paper?
Who is the best offensive lineman on the 49ers that nobody knows about?
The 49ers did not draft an offensive lineman. Why do you think that is?
What is it about the offseason moves the 49er front office made and didn’t make that give you reason to believe you guys can get over the hump this season and make the playoffs?
You’re the center and a team leader. Who do think of as your starting quarterback, your guy, on a day-in, day-out basis?
What are head coach Singletary’s strengths and weaknesses as a head coach?
Would you rather do what you do now, protecting the starting quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers, or to protect an A-list celebrity as a full time job?
What would you be doing with yourself had you not pursued pro football?
Over the years, so many guys have played for both Bay Area franchises. What have you heard about what its like to play on the other side of the Bay?
I once was told by a former Giant linebacker that Mathias Kiwanuka is the most original trash-talker in the league. What’s the most interesting verbal jab that came your way from an opponent on the field of play?
If Sports Illustrated asked you to submit a scout’s take/testimonial of Frank Gore for its Inside the NFL page, what would it say?
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