There are certain things that every fantasy owner needs. A wealth of research. The ability to watch multiple games per week. A keen mind for negotiating trades. The ability to forecast a player's potential.
But perhaps most importantly, a good fantasy owner must have an excellent team name.
Everyone respects and fears the owner with a clever name. It starts conversations and ends arguments. Nothing lives on in fantasy lure quite like putting a name such as "Double Dwayne Bowe" on the league's championship trophy.
So that's why, my fellow fantasy owners, I've come up with 10 names for your team this summer. They'll turn heads. They'll earn you high-fives. They'll single-handedly win you your league.
Okay, maybe not that last part. But at least if you lose, you'll do so in style with one of these names.
Before we go on, it's important to point out that I won't be including some old classics on the fantasy scene. I preferred to come up with some original ideas here, or at least ideas that I don't often come across.
But in case you prefer the tried-and-true classics, here are a few:
Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe, Double Dwayne Bowe, Pimpin' Ain't Breesy, Forte Ounces to Freedom, My Fair Brady, Corn on the Kolb, Yo Gabba Gabbert, Cassel Made of Sand, Whatcha Talkin' About Hillis?, Rowdy Roddy White, Jamaal Charles in Charge, Medulla Amendola, The Boldin The Beautiful, Orton Hears a Boo, My Bironas, DeMarco Polo.
I'm sure there are many, many more, but that's a sampling for you.
Never forget. Don't you ever forget...
I'm not talking to you, by the way. I'm talking directly to Golden Tate. You didn't make that catch, Tate, but at least you finally got the regular refs back.
Yeah, I'm taking us back to Who Wants to be a Millionaire? catchphrase. I'm not proud of it either, but the fact that Ziggy Ansah's last name sounds like a Bostonian playing the old Regis Philbin gameshow made this one tough to pass on.
And given Ansah's addition to an already stacked defensive line, the Detroit Lions should be pretty tough to pass on this year, too.
From a cultural standpoint, few things set this country back as far as MTV's reprehensible show, Jersey Shore. Frankly, I don't plan on aiming that level of vitriol at Detroit Lions running back Mikel Leshoure; it just worked for a fantasy name.
Of course, with Reggie Bush around Leshoure may soon enough be going the way of Sammi Sweetheart.
Oh no, I made a Jersey Shore reference! What have I done? If you'll excuse me, I need to quarantine my brain for a few days...
It's been a pretty tough offseason for Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots, but let's be honest—they aren't the New York Jets. They aren't dysfunctional like the bunch Rex Ryan has been placed in charge of in the Big Apple.
There was a time when these two teams were bitter rivals. Now, the Patriots can't decide who they want to intercept and sack more, Mark Sanchez or Geno Smith.
Plus, now the Patriots have Tebow. I just know he'll score a few touchdowns in the two games against the Jets this year. I just know it.
One of my favorite graphic novels of all time—and one of the most essential Batman stories ever, period—is Alan Moore's "The Killing Joke," which involves a showdown between Batman and the Joker that concludes with a truly classic joke that I won't give away here.
But if you aren't a nerd like me, I'm sure you can find other ways you can have some fun with Joeckel's name.
Joeckel, Smoker, Midnight Toker. The Joeckel's on You (which will be true for many defensive lineman this year). Clowns to the Left of Me, Joeckel's to the Right. Knock-Knock Joeckel.
You get the idea.
But nerds, stick with The Killing Joeckel.
We stick with the rookies for a second consecutive slide, and there isn't even any hazing involved. Kids have it so easy these days.
Standing at 6'6" and 250 pounds, new Cincinnati Bengals tight end Tyler Eifert is a human tower, and Andy Dalton will certainly hope he plays like one in the red zone. And if he can take some of the attention off all-world receiver A.J. Green, the Bengals could be really scary on offense this year.
Between Green, Jermaine Gresham and Eifert, Dalton has quite a few toys to utilize this season.
And Jake Locker will continue to hurt if his offensive line doesn't play better this year.
And the Tennessee Titans will continue to hurt if Locker doesn't play better. It's a dangerous cycle.
Or in the case of Philadelphia Eagles fans, "Goodbye, and don't let the door hit you on the way out."
The Eagles made Nnamdi Asomugha a very rich man in the 2011 offseason, but the veteran cornerback promptly stunk up the joint and was cut this offseason before signing with the San Francisco 49ers.
It's a fresh start for the corner, but it will never be as good as this.
No, he doesn't roll barrels at his opponents like the classic video game character, but he does occasionally stomp them when they're down.
He doesn't seem to have the annoying habit of continuously kidnapping the princess and taking her higher up the world's tallest building that happens to have a bunch of ladders laying around, but if he does, you can bet Roger Goodell will find a way to fine him for it.
I like this one for two reasons.
The first one being the reference to Back to the Future, obviously. But this also works because Antonio Cromartie can legitimately fly. The dude is fast.
And he'll have to with Darrelle Revis gone. Opposing quarterbacks and wide receivers will be gunning for him all season long, and Cromartie won't have a flux capacitor or DeLorean to reverse history if he gets burned.
Hit me up on Twitter—my tweets named their fantasy team "Tweet Rozelle."