It's about the time again! Most NFL rookies have already reported to training camp and veterans of every team will report within the next few days. Which means the regular season will be here before you know it.
We're just over a week away from kickoff at the annual Hall of Fame game, the first preseason game of the season, in Canton. And since ESPN has really been struggling to fill airtime with baseball news, it really can't come soon enough.
The preseason is the time for rookies to shine. Which is just a nice way of saying it's time for them to "battle each other gladiator style for a few desperate weeks, in hope they will impress someone enough to convince them to cut a veteran (and his salary) in favor of a less experienced, but cheaper, replacement."
That's pretty intense. The preseason will be substantially less intense for rookie NFL cheerleaders, because their battles were all fought last spring and their place on the team is already secured.
Obviously there isn't a prime time draft for cheerleaders—although maybe there should be—so figuring out who to look for this season is a pretty research-intensive task. Lucky for you, I love research.
Over the last two days I've combed the website of every cheerleading squad in the league and put together a list of the 50 hottest rookies to watch in 2013. Although, it seems pertinent to point out that half of them have yet to update their rosters for the upcoming season.
Some just have the bios. Some just have photos. And there are a bunch with absolutely nothing but a group photo or a collective introduction video. It really shouldn't take four months to update a website...
That being said, here are the 50 hottest rookies of the 50 percent of teams that have updated their websites!
Hometown: Hammond, LA
Cheerleader Fact: Her best habit is oddly similar to her worst habit. Lacie's best habit is her excellent time management and organizational skills, while her worst habit is being a perfectionist… she just likes to "be as perfect as possible!"
That's just obnoxious. I realize that type-A personalities like this don't have a lot of bad habits, but it's hard to believe that her being perfect is really the worst thing about her. At least make something up and sound human…
Hometown: Edgewater, MD
Cheerleader Fact: She's currently a student, working her way through college with two part-time jobs. Rachel plans to study health and nutrition and eventually work with special needs children.
Noble stuff. (And no...I'm not being sarcastic.)
Hometown: Bedord, IN
Cheerleader Fact: Mariah's favorite book is The Notebook, which she loses points for. But she's obsessed with wiener dogs, which she gains points for. So it's a push.
This is off the subject, but have you ever heard of a Mariah that wasn't Mariah Carey? Some names are just too famous for reuse—like Beyonce or Madonna...or Pele.
Hometown: Phoenix, AZ
Cheerleader Fact: She may look familiar to NBA fans. This is Carla's rookie season cheering for the Cardinals, but she has previous experience shaking it with the Phoenix Suns Dancers.
Apparently she couldn't bear life after Steve Nash.
Hometown: Katy, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She's not a big Texans fan. That's not to say she hates them or anything, but in her video bio Brianna talks about Texans fans as a separate entity from herself—always referring to them as "they" rather than "we."
Which is really making me wonder if she's actually a Cowboys fan, but couldn't make the cut up in Big D! Probably not though, Katy is much closer to Houston than Dallas… I'm just a trouble maker by nature.
Hometown: Crawfordsville, IN
Cheerleader Fact: She's an enigma, wrapped in a riddle. Sharlotte loves superhero movies, volunteers at animals shelters as a hobby, lists Snapchat as her favorite phone app, says the most important thing is following Christ and serving others and she knows how to weld.
So... if you need anything welded...
Hometown: Bellingham, WA
Cheerleader Fact: She respects the great thinkers of the world...like Dr. Seuss. Hannah's favorite quote: "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who'll decide where to go."
That's kind of long and not terribly enlightening for a favorite quote (No offense to Dr. Seuss). I wonder if she was able to recite that from memory, cause that's not good enough to go searching for.
Hometown: Miami, FL
Cheerleader Fact: She's got beauty and brawn—Chantal can lift 250 pounds without breaking a sweat. She's also a Lady Gaga fan because of her positive message about being true to yourself.
Is 250 pounds a lot to lift? I'm more of a cardio girl... but that sounds pretty impressive.
Hometown: Delray Beach, FL
Cheerleader Fact: She's the youngest of seven children and a graduate of Florida State. Like so many recent college graduates, she immediately ditched her hometown for the healthy DC job market.
That's very impressive. My uncle was the youngest of six children, and after all the harassment he sustained growing up, he's a shell of a human being.
Hometown: West Lafayette, IN
Cheerleader Fact: She's got perspective. Kaiti's favorite quote is "There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs."
Normally people's favorite quotes really annoy me, but I kind of like that one. Especially coming from a Millennial, a generation which has produced Ivy League students who need to be reminded to bath themselves before going on a job interview.
Hometown: Let's just say Arizona, and leave it at that.
Cheerleader Fact: She's a sophomore in college and studying to be a veterinarian. Also, Andrea is adamant about never leaving Arizona (weird desert people) and shopping is her favorite therapy.
Hopefully she knows that shopping won't cure animals of any ailments. Kidding...I'm sure she does. Probably.
Hometown: Phoenix, AZ
Cheerleader Fact: She's a graduate of the ridiculously hot girl factory, better known as Arizona State. Taylor got her degree in Exercise Science and Health Promotion.
Naturally she majored in exercise and the promotion of exercise. And to think I wasted all that time in college studying and learning...
Hometown: Wesson, MI
Cheerleader Fact: She can turn a negative into a positive. Summer's best habit is not quitting anything she starts and her worst habit is worrying too much and overcommitting herself.
Also…sometimes I work too hard, I'm a perfectionist and I care too damn much about pleasing everyone around me.
Hometown: Crawfordsville, IN
Cheerleader Fact: She's got terrible taste in movies. Of all the movies in all the world, Leanna lists Step Up 4 (and Dream Girls, which is fine) as her favorite.
Listen, everyone is entitled to like what they like. That being said, the original Step Up received a 19 percent rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I don't even understand how it spawned three freaking sequels, let alone comprehend how the fourth installment could be someone's favorite.
Hometown: Houston, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She's got an interesting palate. If Caitlyn could pick her last meal (like if she was on the very crowded Texas death row), she would choose sushi (or any type of raw fish) with a side of carrots. She loves carrots.
She didn't mention this in her video bio, but I happen to know that Caitlyn was nearly a Cowboys cheerleader. I watch Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team every year and she was definitely booted from that show two seasons ago.
So the Texans were her safety squad.
Hometown: Springfield, IL
Cheerleader Fact: She's not what you would call a "foodie." Megan listed Puppy Chow as her guilty pleasure.
Perhaps it doesn't mean what I think it does (dog food), but I'm not going to Google it to find out because it's way funnier this way.
Hometown: Third-generation Arizonian (her words, not mine)
Cheerleader Fact: She's making some Phoenix area moms very jealous. Claire is a first grade teacher, having graduated from the University of Arizona with a degree in elementary education.
I was all ready to get on Ms. Arizona pride about "Arizonian" being wrong, thinking it was actually "Arizonan." Turns out…they're both right. Anyway! How come all grade school teachers are smokin' hot ladies?
Hometown: Kennewick, WA
Cheerleader Fact: She has very interesting hobbies. Sonrose's hobbies (in her exact words) are "trying new restaurants, baking, playing board games, keeping myself educated on fashion and trends, listening to music, and reading lyrics."
I'd like some more information on how she keeps educated on fashion and trends. But what I'd really like to know is, who keeps busy by reading song lyrics?
Hometown: Cincinnati, OH
Cheerleader Fact: She's a dog whisperer. Angela has a Pit Bull (named Stud Lee) that she's trained to do at least a dozen awesome tricks; including speak, "bang-bang" (you're dead!) and "you're under arrest."
Two things: 1. That's amazing—the only trick my dog knows is how to brilliantly hide her feces in dirty laundry, and 2. If her dog's name is a play on the name of legendary comic book creator Stan Lee, then I love her even more.
Hometown: Prescott, WI
Cheerleader Fact: She's another aspiring "next Erin Andrews". Kaitlyn's dream job is to help continue the proud tradition of ESPN hiring blonde fembots to deliver up-to-the-minute sports news to the world with a megawatt smile.
I do realize that Erin Andrews is no longer with ESPN, but their high profile talent keeps leaving for other networks. And as much as I love her, the "next Lindsay Czarniak" didn't have the same ring to it.
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Cheerleader Fact: She's not great with capitalization. Tedi recently relocated from Chicago to Virginia and has had "such a blast exploring the Nation's Capital."
Nice try though.
Cheerleader Fact: She really loves peanut butter. Like a lot. Osamara's last meal would be pizza and chocolate cake with a bunch of peanut butter on it, and if she was stuck on a deserted island, the one thing she would take with her is peanut butter.
This girl should get a sponsorship deal with Jiff or something. She mentioned peanut butter three times in less than 60 seconds. "Osmara: Brought to you by the nation's peanut farmers."
Hometown: Olympia, WA
Cheerleader Fact: She's got a different idea of a good time than most people. Ashley says her "best experience" was working as a physician's scribe in an ER—she enjoyed soaking up the sights and sounds of the hospital while scurrying after the doctors.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. I actually really respect her professional enthusiasm... my best experiences all involve alcohol.
Hometown: St. Amant, LA
Cheerleader Fact: She makes me feel really, really old. Alixx's favorite movie is the Brittney Spears melodramatic bomb Crossroads—Rotten Tomatoes score is an extremely generous 14 percent.
I don't mean to be rude, but OMG she cannot be serious with that crap!
Hometown: Rosenberg, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She follows through. When Liz was younger (younger than 22…) she always dreamed of becoming a teacher, which is exactly what she's about to become.
When my brother was little, he wanted to be a ditch digger. Seriously. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. Family of broken dreams… our younger selves would be so ashamed.
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Cheerleader Fact: She has limited interests. Katie's hobbies including cheering, practicing, cheering some more and cooking. If you can't find her cheering, look in the kitchen.
And if she's not in either of those places, she's probably dead. Kidding. I just like being dramatic.
Hometown: Waseca, MN
Cheerleader Fact: She's actually pretty interesting, but sucks at giving advice. Kate says her "beauty secret" is using shampoo. Dry shampoo, regular shampoo...she loves it all.
If only clean hair was the one thing standing between people and perfection. Most folks have much bigger fish to fry.
Hometown: Oxon Hill, MD
Cheerleader Fact: This girl is the real deal. Mimi graduated from the University of Maryland with a B.A. in Dance, which she puts to very good use working for the FDA as a program analyst on the foreign inspections team.
Let that be an inspiration to all you history majors (like me) out there! There's no such thing as a relevant degree, so don't listen to your parents—major in whatever you want.
Hometown: Auburn, WA
Cheerleader Fact: She's easily pleased. One of Zoe's "best experiences" (and most thrilling) ever was receiving her neon green pompoms after being selected as a Sea Gal at finals.
Cheerleaders are always enthusiastic glass-half-full types—every day is the best day of their lives. I'm more of a Worst day of my life from Office Space type.
Hometown: Houston, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She's very… uh… domestic? Madison's favorite Disney princess is Cinderella, because she was always cooking and cleaning, and she really loves to do that kind of stuff. Yeah… until she married a prince and went on to enjoy a lifetime of being catered to by an army of domestic servants.
I'm not sure if Madison ever actually saw that movie, because in all that enthusiasm for new recipes she doesn't seem to acknowledge the fact that Cinderella was only doing all that because she was being held as a domestic slave by her evil stepmother and two hag stepsisters.
Hometown: Lake Charles, LA
Cheerleader Fact: She has very vague career goals. Hannah is currently a student at Louisiana State, majoring in Mass Communications. But she's not quiiiiiiiiite sure what she wants to do with that, only that she wants to be "100 percent happy with the profession [she] choose[s]."
She also says her most outstanding attribute is her "dedication to become the best version of [herself]." So there's that. Oh! And she also enjoys jumping on the trampoline with her grandparents—who must be far more spry than your average grandparents.
Hometown: Sumner, WA
Cheerleader Fact: She's currently a student. Christian's bio lists her college as the United States Air Force Academy, which is located in Colorado Springs. (Trust me, I Googled it)
That commute must be such a bitch.
Hometown: Lake City, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She's a kid at heart. Shannon's favorite movie is Finding Nemo and if she could bring one thing with her to a deserted island, it would be her cheetah blanket. Which, I imagine, has a picture of a cheetah on it...hopefully it's not made of cheetah pelts.
I get that a blanky is comforting to people (even adults), but it never ceases to amaze me how epically people fail at the deserted island scenario. At least she didn't pick her cell phone.
Hometown: Indianapolis, IN
Cheerleader Fact: This girl can handle a challenge. Ciarra lived and worked in Afghanistan for almost two years and she's currently training her three Pit Bull/Mastiff puppies.
Being a dog person (I have three myself) I respect her undertaking the challenge of a difficult breed, but she may have over-committed herself on this one. She's got some tough days ahead.
Hometown: Coon Rapids, MN
Cheerleader Fact: She's terrible at relaxing. Melissa says the one thing she's always wanted to do is skateboarding, because it would get her where she wanted to go faster than walking and it's relaxing. One of her cheerleader friends needs to take her to a yoga class.
Skateboarding is an awful lot of things, but relaxing is not one of them. The minute you relax on a skateboard as an adult is the minute you crack your skull open in front of a crowd of horrified onlookers.
Hometown: Rio Grande Valley, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She's a big fan of the sentiment that misery loves company. If Gelesann was stranded on a deserted island, the one thing she'd want to take along with her is her baby sister, Mary. She said "I'd want to drag her along and make her experience it with me."
I'm sure Mary would really appreciate that!
Hometown: Baton Rouge, LA
Cheerleader Fact: She's got an interesting major at Louisiana State. Rebecca is studying Kinesiology, which is the scientific study of human movement.
Her career goal is "dental hygiene". I'm just not sure how these things correlate.
Hometown: La Habana, Cuba
Cheerleader Fact: She's well traveled. Estefania lived in Spain for five years, where she climbed the mighty Gorbea mountain in a snowstorm... and it was uphill... both ways.
Okay, that last part was made up.
Hometown: Queens, NY
Cheerleader Fact: She's a smarty pants. Kelly graduated with her undergrad degree in just three years—including studying abroad in Russia and Argentina. She's currently pursuing her Master's.
That's just impressive. It took me four years, plus two summers, and I didn't go anywhere.
Hometown: Ahwatukee, AZ
Cheerleader Fact: She's a minor celebrity. In early 2013 Alanah was featured as Sports Illustrated's Cheerleader of the Week—as an Arizona State cheerleader, not the Cardinals. In the profile she lists her dad as her "coolest" follower on Twitter. (Which I guess is cool—my dad doesn't even know what Twitter is)
She also revealed that her major is "Interdisciplinary Studies," which is hilariously vague and caters to liberal arts types who just can't make up their minds on a major. I can't believe I double majored in History and Political Science when I could have majored in everything and done less work.
Hometown: Plymouth, MN
Cheerleader Fact: Rachel is terrible at baking, but she tries because she loves cookies… and pizza… and ice cream. In fact, she loves ice cream so much that her dream job would be traveling the world as an ice cream tester. In short, she's awesome.
And if ice cream taster is a real job, I definitely want in on that action.
Hometown: Charlotte, NC
Cheerleader Fact: She's gonna be a doctor! Not that kind of doctor. Elesia graduated from North Carolina A&T State with a degree in electronic media and journalism, and is currently pursuing a PhD in public policy and administration.
She also described herself as "a bit of a bookworm". I love when hot girls are school nerds.
Hometown: Rochester, NY
Cheerleader Fact: Elisa likes to make people smile… through the ownership of her boutique event coordination company.
She should just try giving people cookies.
Hometown: Kobe, Japan
Cheerleader Fact: She's wicked worldly. Masako was first introduced to cheerleading when she came to Wisconsin for a year in high school as a foreign exchange student.
But not that worldly. One of her hobbies is making Japanese food. In Japan it's just called food.
Hometown: Houston, TX
Cheerleader Fact: You won't ever find this bronzed blonde spray-painted orange. Apparently Brooke is allergic to spray tans, which is more of a blessing than a curse.
I'm allergic to looking like a complete idiot, which is why I avoid spray tans.
Hometown: Redmond, WA
Cheerleader Fact: She's not as outdoorsy as all the Pacific Northwest Sea Gals, who list "anything outdoors!!!" as their favorite exercise. Lindsey isn't into the hiking or biking scene, preferring to stay in shape by kicking it at the gym.
A girl after my own heart. Not that I hate the outdoors… I'm just really afraid of bugs.
Hometown: Houston, TX
Cheerleader Fact: She's not an excellent singer. Lesha's go-to song for karaoke is Katie Perry's "Firework", which she gave the world a little taste of in her video bio. Not that it was terrible, but it's for the best that she does most of her singing in the shower.
I'm a truly terrible singer, which I embrace by singing RUSH songs (particularly "Free Will") at karaoke. Go big or go home.
Hometown: Scranton, PA
Cheerleader Fact: She's my kind of girl. Christine loves The Shining, The Office (duh, she's from Scranton), shrimp po' boys and the color blue. She's also kinda messy, but brushes her teeth after every meal.
I love/am/do all of those things! I'm from PA too! Christine: If you're reading this, please message me because I think we're meant to be best friends.
Hometown: Miami, FL
Cheerleader Fact: She's not one to go against the grain. Monica is a freshman nursing student who dreams of becoming a physician's assistant and boasts a huge shoe collection.
Not that either of those things are bad! Obviously, they're not. They're just pretty predictable for a pretty girl.
Pictured (clockwise): Marticka, Kelsey, Laura, Nina, Brooklyn, Julie
The 49ers Gold Rush are less on-the-ball than the Broncos, in that they don't even have blank bio pages up with photos—just links to an Instagram photo for each of them. But they might have the hottest rookie cheerleaders in the NFL, so it didn't seem right to leave them out.
**Now it's time to pay me back for all the hard work. Follow me on Twitter: Follow @blamberr and we'll call it even.