World Football Transfer Talk: 7 Theoretic Moves That Would Surprise Everyone

Charles Lawley@@charleslawleyContributor IJuly 21, 2013

World Football Transfer Talk: 7 Theoretic Moves That Would Surprise Everyone

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    The transfer window has been disappointingly tame so far. We haven’t had any completely surprising moves yet. The nearest to any sort of shock was probably Radamel Falcao’s move to Monaco.

    But fear not, those wanting transfer drama; the window is young. It doesn’t slam shut until September 1 (well, the cliché is that the transfer window “slams shut,” but it actually closes very gradually and very slowly over a two-month period), so we have time for some transfer turmoil, some mayhem movers and some dramatic deals.

    So, I'm going to do what most transfer gossip writers do and completely make up some potential transfers!

    I have come up with seven transfers that theoretically could happen but would shock the signing on fee out of your bank account and make you fail your medical, and I have ranked them in order of just how shocked the world will be. 

7. Fernando Torres to Napoli

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    Fernando Torres to Napoli would be the least shocking of the seven on offer. It makes sense for a few reasons.

    You may not have noticed, but Torres’ time at Chelsea has not gone swimmingly. Dick Fosbury didn’t flop as much as Torres has.

    A fresh start could be good for him, and he might be able to escape the infinite loop he has been going through: no goals for x hours of game time, still no goals, GOAL!, commentator says Torres is back to his best, then no goals for x hours of game time and repeat until the apocalypse comes.

    It was Napoli’s manager, Rafa Benitez, that got the best out of Torres when he was at Liverpool. Perhaps he could do it at Napoli?

    And Benitez needs a new striker now that Edinson Cavani has swanned off to France and is conducting press conferences in a ridiculous French accent (or is it just Joey Barton who does that?).

6. Zlatan Ibrahimovic to Borussia Dortmund

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    Speaking of Cavani…

    E-Cav’s arrival at Paris Saint-Germain means Zlatan Ibrahimovic is no longer the star of the show at the Parc des Princes. And it is no secret that if Zlatan isn’t the lead, he is not happy playing the supporting actor.

    His move to Borussia Dortmund wouldn’t be just down to the rise of the Bundesliga as the supposed dominant league in world football and the fact that the German title is one of the few Zlatan hasn’t won.

    Dortmund are currently casting for a new leading man now that Mario Gotze has gone to Bayern Munich and Robert Lewandowski is as happy at being at the Westfalenstadion as Lincoln Burrows was at being in Fox River State Penitentiary.

    And let’s not forget that Ibra could be driven by spite at his old nemesis, Pep Guardiola. A part of Zlatan must love the thought of hopping over to Germany and defecating on Pep’s parade that is expected to take the route straight to domestic and European glory.  

5. Luis Suarez to Manchester City

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    He doesn’t like to mention it, but Luis Suarez wants to leave Liverpool.

    So who would be better to offer him a new home than those oil-soaked billionaires down the M62?

    If Suarez moved to Manchester City, he would get a salary that would help him forget about how annoying the British tabloid’s press intrusion is. Heck, he would get a salary that would help him buy out the British tabloids.

    He wouldn’t have to move far and he could continue his favourite hobby: annoying Manchester United. He’d be at a football club that loves nothing more than annoying Manchester United.

    In fact, at Manchester City, he would have a better chance of winning the title. Now that would annoy Manchester United.

    And let’s not forget, with Sergio Aguero, Edin Dzeko, Stevan Jovetic and Alvaro Negredo, Manchester City want to sign all the strikers.

4. Wayne Rooney on Loan to Everton

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    Chelsea and Arsenal are supposed to be interested in Wayne Rooney, but would Manchester United accept a bid from a title challenger? Or a bid from Arsenal?

    The teams that Rooney would like to go to and United would accept a bid from, your Reals, Barcas, Bayerns and PSGs, just aren’t coming in for him. And if Rooney has another year as Robin van Persie’s understudy, the chances of them wanting to snap him up next year are even slimmer.

    He will want first-team football.

    Everton aren’t a competitor to United’s title. If they put a loan bid in for Rooney, it would make sense for him to consider it. He is a boyhood Evertonian and may want to show some loyalty to the club that broke him through—which he didn’t really do during his last spell at Goodison Park.

    And David Moyes might have a twinge of guilt about leaving Everton, so he could accept the loan bid to make up for his departure (and it could help sweeten the ‘give me Leighton Baines now’ pill). And does Moyes really want a Wayne Rooney in turbo-sulk mode at the club for a year? That could destabilize his first season at Old Trafford.

    Plus, if Rooney gets bored and says he wants to leave, it’s nothing new to Everton fans. They’ve already been through that once.

3. Lionel Messi to Bayern Munich

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    With the sad news that Tito Vilanova will quit as Barcelona coach following a relapse in his cancer treatment, Barcelona will once again start a new season with a new manager. Although Barcelona will try all they can to keep stability, another managerial change has to harm that.

    When you’re the home to the best player in the world, you have to create the optimum environment for him to ply his trade. Is the Nou Camp currently the best place for Lionel Messi at the moment?

    Or is it the Allianz Arena? That's where Messi’s old master and the man who helped him cement his claim to being one of the best humans to have ever put on a pair of football boots, Pep Guardiola, is currently strengthening a team that has already won every trophy it possibly could last season.

    A move to Germany and Bayern Munich would also mean that Messi could put his tax troubles in Spain to the back of his mind and just concentrate on playing.

    Messi has achieved all he, or anyone in the history of humankind, can at Barcelona. He's won the lot. Is he going to stay there for the rest of his career? Or will he one day move? If it's the latter, what better time than now?

    I'm guessing, however, Barcelona’s asking price for Leo might actually be “all the tea in China" plus a part exchange deal for Franck Ribery.

2. No One to Arsenal

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    Arsenal bid for Stevan Jovetic; he went to Manchester City. 

    Arsenal bid for Luis Suarez; they were laughed out of town. 

    Arsenal bid for Gonzalo Higuian; that hasn't happened.

    We are constantly being told that Arsenal are going to spend big this summer, but they just haven’t. Yet.

    But, if you look at the past few transfer windows, they haven’t before. Will the summer transfer window of 2013 be any different? 

    At this rate, Arsenal won’t make a single signing, and big Nicky Bendtner will be getting more first-team football than money can buy. Then have the payment declined

1. Jose Mourinho to Barcelona

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    It might seem crazy at first. But think about it. Can you say it’s impossible?

    Firstly, let’s not forget Barcelona first brought Jose Mourinho into Spanish football back in 1996 when he joined the club under Sir Bobby Robson.

    Mourinho may have been competing intensely with the Catalan giants for the past few seasons but surely, underneath that stubborn exterior that’s underneath a stubborn overcoat, there must be some affection for Barca?

    And, while he may have only just been manager of Barca’s bitter rivals, Real Madrid, if you look at the path between where Mourinho is now and where the Bernabeu is, you’ll notice a lot of burnt wreckage where bridges used to be.

    Look at the talent on offer in the Barcelona ranks. What manager could turn that down? 

    But would he leave Chelsea, a club he declares to “love,” a few weeks after joining them?

    Are you convinced that Mourinho is not harbouring a bit of a grudge to Roman Abramovich for firing him the last time? Are you convinced that is all just water under the bridge (Stamford Bridge, not the burnt Bernabeu bridges)?

    Quitting Chelsea to go to Barcelona would be a big middle finger to Abramovich for firing him. A big middle finger to all his enemies at Real Madrid. And a big middle finger to a boring transfer window.