Fantasy Baseball Island: Week of April 13th

ChatterBalksApr 9, 2008

The baseball season is underway and we here at ChatterBalks are well aware that you gambled your child’s college fund on your fantasy league, you sick bastards. But that’s all in the past, so let’s focus on erasing your crippling gambling debt and putting you on the path to crippling credit card debt. This week, we focus on the critical first month of the fantasy season, also known as “the stuff that’s going on right now.”

Injury Radar – A weekly forecast of how players will be injured, according to our “Mark Prior Crystal Ball”

TOP NEWS

Blake DeWitt – Peer Pressure – As DeWitt takes his BP one day, he is approached by Nomar Garciaparra, Andy LaRoche, and Tony Abreu who inform him that if he was one of the cool third basemen, he’d be injured. They then inquire, “So Blake, are you cool?” When he answers in the affirmative, LaRoche hands DeWitt a shovel which he uses to beat himself until he becomes concussed. The Dodgers then trade for Joe Crede.

Mariano Rivera – Punctured Abdomen – Sure, Rivera claims he forgot to pay his bookies. And some of them should really stop approaching with knives. The check’s in the mail, he swears! He’s not late with his payments for his Final Four bets! Just please, he begs, please! He claims to have a wife and kids. He makes extravagant promises regarding how much of his next paycheck he’ll send off. He’s good for the money, he says, just give him a little more time and for the love of God Put Down Those Knives!

Mariano Rivera will be out 4 to 6 weeks with abdominal stab wounds.

Tony La Russa – Abnormally Low Blood Alcohol Content –Perhaps you are surprised by this pick. You are presumably thinking “Managers aren’t allowed in my league!” Well, for the true experts, the real creme de la creme, as the Portugese say, our leagues go much deeper than a normal 5 x 5. Our rosters go 43 players deep, and we play in leagues of 61 teams. The manager is a crucial component to the success of any team. Sadly, La Russa owners will be dealt a crippling blow this week when the police find him behind the wheel of his car unable to function due to his toxic level of sobriety.

Rob Mackowiak – Non-Specified Death – Every week, Mackowiak’s end draws nearer. Every week could be his last. While we at ChatterBalks do know all the specifics, we don’t want to ruin the fun for people who might create a Mackowiak Death Pool. But we do want to allow Mackowiak some peace before his imminent demise, so we will provide him with hints to the event so he can prepare himself. This week’s clue: Mackowiak’s death will occur before the Pirates are good again.

Stategories – Roto or head-to-head? It don’t matter, but stats do. Here’s a rundown of the stats that matter for your fantasy league, and the players who will come through.

Baltimore Hearts Broken (BHB) – Aubrey Huff – Aubrey Huff is famously not a fan of Baltimore. Yet how do we reconcile this with his hot start for the Orioles? It’s simple, really: Aubrey Huff hates Baltimore so much that he refuses to follow the Oriole Way and be terrible. Sitting in his luxury box, enjoying his midafternoon snack of grapes and mangoes, Peter Angelos weeps. And in the end, that is Huff’s diabolical plan.

On-Bed Percentage – Grady Sizemore – Grady Sizemore, noted heartthrob and all-around ladykiller, has a stunning OBeP of 1.391 this year. That’s almost 1.4 ladies every night, and a clear path to fantasy success.

Slugging Percentage – Johan Santana – We know what you’re thinking. “Slugging percentage? I’ve got that covered.” But did you know that new Mets pickup Johan Santana has a SLG of only .361 over his career? This was clearly a terrible deal for the Mets. They were obviously fooled by the .714 he put up last year, but that was a career year and obviously he won’t repeat it. We recommend dropping this guy, as his hitting is so godawful that it will ruin your team. Trust us - you don’t want nine Johan Santanas ruining your offense.

Player We’re Overhyping: Colorado SS Clint Barmes

Listen, we know what you’re thinking: how can you overhype Colorado Rockies SS Clint Barmes with a star blocking up the way, specifically, a star known as SS Troy Tulowitski. Here’s the thing - Tulo is old as fuck. Honestly, the guy is almost 24 years old, missed out on winning the NL ROY, and probably got his last shot at a World Series ring. Out of the way old man; get out of the SS carpool lane.

Now is the time for big Clint to shine.

If you’ve got a roster spot open on your fantasy team, drop that slab of deer meat that Todd Helton gave to you as a gift (Sorry Barmes, it’s not just you getting meat gifts), and pick up the superstud known as Clint Barmes. Why? Well, in one week (mind you, in 2005), Barmes had a .410 batting average. Wow - only two people have ever done that in history not named Clint Barmes!

Also, Clint Barmes has a strange name: it looks like it should be Barnes, but it’s not. You know who else has a strange name? Joe DiMaggio, and also Edison Volquez. Barmes is right there with the likes of major baseball stars, and you probably didn’t even notice, did you? You ignorant fantasy player, you.

So go out, and get that Barmes! In the past week, Barmes has been traded for the likes of Brett Tomko, and even Danny Graves. The time is ripe, people.