Who Are The Real Home Run Kings?

Nick Fera by Correspondent Written on May 08, 2009
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What is the exact definition of this fictitious "savior" of the home run records everybody keeps talking about? I guess it means the media and Bud Selig's wet dream of a power hitter who achieved home run records without the use of banned drugs. I couldn't find anyone who fits that description, so let's go with Ezra Sutton as the legitimate home run king.

On May 8, 1871 (exactly 138 years before A-Rod's return from hip surgery) Mr. Sutton of the Cleveland Forest Citys hit the first major league home run against the Chicago White Stockings. Sutton went on to play 18 seasons with a respectable career .294 batting average and 25 homers.

Why pick this guy as the all-time home run king? Let me answer my question with a question. Is it possible that Sutton snorted cocaine to get amped up for games or smoked pot to ease anxiety?

For all you Grateful Dead fans out there, the inhalation of marijuana can be found as far back as the 3rd millenium BC. Charred cannabis seeds have been found in a brazier at an ancient burial site in Romania. Sadly, the United States outlawed marijuana in 1937. So if Sutton was rolling doobies during his baseball career, then it would have been okay!

What about cocaine? Well, let's just say ancient Peruvian mummies have been found with the remains of coca leaves in their tombs. The United States officially banned cocaine in 1914. So...if Sutton was emulating Tony Montana during his playing days, then it would have been okay!

Let's not forget Babe Ruth. This is a guy who began drinking alcohol and chewing tobacco by the age of seven. Seven! There you have it folks, the so-called greatest player of all-time broke into the majors feeling the calming side effects of alcohol and nicotine. What are we supposed to tell our kids?

Well, we could tell them Babe was a regular consumer of Coca-Cola. You know, the drink that contained cocaine until 1929.

What a bummer! The Babe hit his 60 homers in 1927! Alright then. I guess we'll have to make Buck Freeman the single-season home run champion.

As a member of the 1899 Washington Senators, Buck Freeman slammed 25 home runs. In 1919 as a Boston Red Sock, Babe Ruth broke Freeman's record by hitting 29 homers. Ruth broke his own record 13 times as a Yankee (most notably his 60 home run season, a record that stood until Roger Maris smashed 61 dingers in 1961).

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the real all-time home run king:

Ezra Sutton (25)

...and the real single-season home run king:

Buck Freeman (25)

But hey, what's in a number? Except for the fact that Barry Bonds wore No. 25.

Vote Now! - Author Poll

Who Is The Legitimate Home Run King?

  • Ezra Sutton
  • Buck Freeman
  • Babe Ruth
  • Barry Bonds
  • Roger Clemens
vote to see results
Results - Author Poll

Who Is The Legitimate Home Run King?

  • Ezra Sutton

    0.0%
  • Buck Freeman

    0.0%
  • Babe Ruth

    66.7%
  • Barry Bonds

    33.3%
  • Roger Clemens

    0.0%
  • Total votes: 6
(0)
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written on May 08, 2009 Humor


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