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Why Andy Murray Will Not Win the French Open

MONTE CARLO, MONACO - APRIL 17:  Andy Murray of Great Britain reacts during the quarter final match against Nikolay Davydenko of Russia on day five of the ATP Masters Series at the Monte Carlo Country Club on April 17, 2009 in Monte Carlo,Monaco.  (Photo by Michael Steele/Getty Images)
Robert OrzechowskiAnalyst IMay 7, 2009

Many speculate that Andy Murray will not win the French due to clay being his least preferred surface.  Here is my long-shot speculation as to why he won't win:

On May 23, 2009, Andy Murray will take a flight from Madrid to Reims, France, to avoid the publicity of the visiting British media in the advent of the French Open.   

He will decide to spend the early part of the week in Madrid before heading up to France to prepare for the French Open.  He will be surprised upon landing in Reims Champagne Airport to find that it is primarily a French Air Force base. 

Upon exiting the plane, he will be ushered by military personnel to a damp, makeshift building with only two chairs, a long table, and a roving ceiling lamp. 

Upon waiting 20 minutes, a thick-moustached man clad in heavily decorated miltary uniform with a Charle De Gaulle-like cap enters the room.

"Allo, Monsieur, Je m'appelle General Jean Marie Antoinette Lapepinère!"

Murray:  I am uh...sorry but I don't speak French.

Lapepinère:  Well, allo me to speak de English.  I call myself General Jean Marie Antoinette Lapepinère!   What beezness do you ave in la belle France? 

Guards (salute): Vivre La France!!!

Murray: I am here to play in the French Open.

Lapepinère: Monsieur, I zink dat you ave made an erreur in choosing ze country.  We do not play golf seriously here!  Perhaps, you should try le Saudi Arabia.  Dey have le Persian Golf there, non?

Murray shakes his head in disbelief.

Murray:  I am not here to play golf.  I am a tennis player. 

The general looks at him very suspicious as if something is not right. 

Lapepinère: Let me zee your passpor, sil vous plait!

Murray produces his passport and the General inspects it.

Lapepinère:  It says here dat yu were born in Glasgow, Scotland, n'est ce pas?

Murray: uhh yeah...that is correct.

Lapepinère throws the passport in front of Murray.

Lapepinère: Purhaps, you may want to explain why dis is a British passpor!! Where is your Scottish passpor, Monsieur???

Murray: Well, Scotland is part of Britain and that is why I have a British passport.

Lapepinère: Hmmmmmm.....you know what I sink.  I sink you are English and dat you are ze spy...hoping that England is going to take over la belle France!

Guards (salute): Vivre La France!!!

Murray: No, I told you. I am Scottish and British and am here to play the French Open, which is an important tennis tournament.   Look, I have to be in Paris by tomorrow or I will miss this important event.  Please, can we hurry this up so I can go.

Lapepinère: Oh you are in a hurry, yes?  To get to Parie...the heart of la belle France!

Guards (salute): Vivre La France!!!

Lapepinère: Perhaps, you have important beezness dere...you English terrorist pighead!

Murray:  Look, that name calling is uncalled for. 

Lapepinère: What is your name and rank.

Murray: I told you, my name is Andy Murray and I am ranked No. 3.

Lapepinère: Ahhh, now I see.  We are getting zomewhere.  You are British Agent 003, no?  Whatever plans you have in la belle France...

Guards (salute): Vivre La France!!!

Lapepinère: ....will have to be put on hold.  I am off to Parie.  Let this be a lesson for you never to try and pass one by General Jean Marie Antoinette Lapepinère!!  I will be back late tomorrow after I receive instructions from Paris.

Lapepinère exits and the guards close and lock the door and stand watch outside.

Murray:  YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!  I AM A WORLD CLASS TENNIS PLAYER RANKED NUMBER 3!!  I NEED TO BE AT THE FRENCH OPEN TO GET TO NUMBER 2!!!  AAARGH!!!!!!  AAARGGHHHH!   I HATE CLAY TOURNAMENTS BUT THIS TAKES THE CAKE!!!!   AAAARGHHHH!!!!  I NEVER, NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT MIAMI!!!!!

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