Pittsburgh West, better known as the Arizona Cardinals, coach Ken Whisenhunt, has recently been diagnosed by our in house psychologist with a rare disease known as “Steelers cast-off addictitus.” Though this ailment is not life threatening, it can be career-threatening if not properly treated.
“Innovation will get you championships, imitation will only get you second place” is the proper medical description of this disease, according to Dr. McBeam, PHD, who first made the diagnosis of Coach Whisenhunt.
“The evaluation of Mr. Whisenhunt has been ongoing for about two years now,” said Dr. McBeam, “We have been concerned about his well being for a while now. The investigation is directly related to the Cardinals and coach Wiz’s addiction to signing Steelers cast-off players.”
To date the Cardinals have signed the following ex-Steelers players, Clark Haggans, Dan Kreider, Sean Morey, Brian St. Pierre, Jerame Tuman, Oliver Ross, Rian Wallace and Bryant McFadden. Also joining Wiz in Arizona are two coaches with previous ties to the Steelers, offensive-line coach, Russ Grimm and Special teams coach Kevin Spencer.
A call to Mr. Whisenhunt’s agent has yet to be returned but rumors out of Pittsburgh are that Dr. McBeam wanted to discuss his 12 step program with him. The program was put together after some rigorous planning by the Steelers team of psychologist and is said to go as follows:
Step 1: Admitted he is powerless over “Steelers cast-off addictitus”; that his career has become unmanageable due to it.
Step 2: Come to believe that a power greater than himself, (such as Dr. Steely McBeam) can help restore his ailment.
Step 3: Make a decision to turn your free agency duties and contract negotiations over to the care of Matt Millen as you understand him.
Step 4: Stop making a searching and fearless moral inventory of the Steelers roster.
Step 5: Admit to Dr. McBeam, to yourself, and to another member of your coaching staff the exact nature of your wrongs.
Step 6: Be entirely ready to have Dr. McBeam remove all your defects in evaluations of personnel.
Step 7: Humbly ask the Steelers players to remove you from their "Friends and Family" lists.
Step 8: Make a list of all players you have signed, and became willing to send them packing, back to the unemployment line.
Step 9: Make direct amends to such players whenever possible, except when to do so would label them losers. Like in the Super Bowl loss to the Steelers.
Step 10: Continue to take a personal inventory and when you are playing copy cat, promptly admit it.
Step 11: Seek through prayer to the football gods and meditation, to end your conscious contact with ex-Steelers players, asking only for knowledge of how to build your own team and the power to carry that out.
Step 12: Having a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, you will try to carry this message to your coaching staff, and to practice these principles in all future player personnel decisions.
“The major concern that we have with coaches infected with ‘Steelers cast-off addictitus’ is that contrary to their denial, they constitute a copy cat system,” said Dr. McBeam.
“For example, they believe and talk about being their own man, they coach, they have a creed, the NFL is their religion, and they fellowship in a stadium setting. However, just like all infections, save true Steeler-antity, Twelve-Step recovery groups cannot bring a person into a right relationship with free agency if their goal is not the goal of their own, their signing of players who have been cast aside by the Steelers, is out of desperation, due to not being a very good coach, and their salvation is lost unto that denial.”
Dr. McBeam continued, ”The Steelers are more than happy to provide the cast-offs in the place of salvation. Just as long as coach Whiz is happy to continue coming in second place. In the end it is his decision to follow this program or not, but my belief is if he ignores our concerns, the Cardinals are doomed to be nothing more then stepping stones for other teams collecting Super Bowl rings.”
The staff at Pittsburgh Blitz would like to thank Dr. McBeam for his brave evaluation of the coach and extend a helping hand to Whiz along the way. That’s why we decided to publish this article, in hopes that our once great offensive coordinator can get his shit straight and follow his own path to greatness and no longer continue feeding off the Steeler’s cast aways.
We wish you luck coach and hope for your own good, the next Steeler’s fodder you sign is not Tommy Maddox or Kordell Stewart.