Bubba Sparxxx. Kirko Bangz. Urban Shocker.
Weird but true: one of the aforementioned names is a sports star, and the other two are awful C-list rappers.
I can’t explain it, but some of the most awesome names in sports sound like one-hit wonder emcees in the world of hip hop. They roll off the tongue like silk in the context of athletics, but if someone entered a freestyle competition with their name as an alias, the record table would skip and burst into flame.
Remember that guy who “started his own label” in college and now works at the HoJo? He was disappointed these athletes’ names were already taken.
Starts strong with “Von." Ends on tiny cracker.
Von Wafer would be the name of the flimsiest hip hop artist in the world, but in reality he's just a player who enjoys celebrating missed dunks.
"Von Wafer" sounds like a guy who goes on tour with Mac Miller, drops one verse and spends the rest of the time sulking in a white hoodie decorated with ice cream cones.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Put It On Me (Spread it on the Wafer)"
Colt McCoy is a Billy B.A. that rapped one time on an old Twista song and eventually became a DJ because, hey, if it’s not working out...
Or he’s a backup quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers who had a great college career and will eventually become a DJ because, hey, if it’s not working out...
No. 1 Hit Single: “My Sweet Sue (She Poppin’ on a Handstand)”
Half action star, half alcohol that makes you steal road cones.
Baccari Rambo was an All-American safety for the University of Georgia, and was drafted in the 2013 NFL draft by the Washington Redskins.
His name would be perfect for an artist who couldn’t decide between being a tough rapper or a spring break hip hop star and decided to just split it straight down the middle.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Booze and Bayonets (I Brought the Party)”
“Apolo Ohno fly, gliding icy as a speed skater. Do a buck ninety in the ‘ghini call me Speed Racer.”
I’m no rapper, but that’s probably what a rhyme by a guy named Apolo Ohno would sound like—Rick Ross-esque, but less macho, and featuring a troubling amount of references to speed skating.
"Apolo Ohno" is the name of Kendrick Lamar’s sidekick who asks weird esoteric questions in the background of every song.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Oh No (Give Her the Goatee)”
Old-time hockey players have some great names, but this late Toronto Maple Leafs legend had what would now be considered a consummately bad rap name.
Frank "Ulcers" McCool sounds like that rare blend of Frank Ocean, Mike Posner and intestinal erosion the music industry is always looking for.
No. 1 Hit Single: “McCooler Than You”
Tiago Splitter is a semi-serviceable 4 on the basketball court, but based on his name, the San Antonio Spurs forward's real calling might be as the cheesy frontman for his own rap group, the Cash Money Brazillionaires.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Splitter Gonna Get Her (LeBron Block Party Remix)”
Richie Incognito sounds like a guy who read one spy-mystery book growing up and couldn’t think of anything else to draw on when he entered his first freestyle competition.
Despite the last name, the Miami Dolphins offensive guard is tatted up and highly recognizable. He’d be the perfect guy to stand in the background of a vintage Method Man video bobbing his head and staring into your soul.
No. 1 Hit Single: “In Cog Neat-o (Not a Place)"
Jesus Montero plays catcher and designated hits for the Seattle Mariners, but more importantly, he sounds like the future of Latin-infused hip hop.
Pitbull is out, the Montero is in. Nobody messes with the Jesus.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Money Money Monty (Shakin' Like a Motel Mattress)”
If Muhammad were a musician, he would have a sound that would appeal to people of all different ages, considering he’s a person of different ages.
He also has the Kanye look going on. Again, Great brand value.
No. 1 Hit Single: “What’s My Age Again? (Daddy Issues Remix)”
Sonny Sixkiller is a former University of Washington quarterback with a cool name, but he unfortunately never made it in the league. His corny rap alter ego, however, would be a lady-killer who keeps six women with him at all times.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Just You and Me (And Her and Her and Her)"
“Takeo” sounds like a delicious Grecian sauce—like tzatziki with a south of the border twist. And the name “Spikes” gets you a free pass into any fifth grade gang.
The former Chargers linebacker has a perfect name for membership in Tyga’s entourage. The only problem will be fitting his neck onto an album cover.
No. 1 Hit Single: “I Ate the Bones! (So Spikey)”
Who even needs the nickname “Coco” when your legal name is Covelli Loyce Crisp?
The Oakland A’s center fielder has a solid gold bad hip hop name, considering “Covelli” is a great setup for a cheap imitation of Tupac’s nickname “Makaveli” and “Loyce” rhymes with Rolls Royce.
No. 1 Hit Single: “My Covelli Crispy (Cuckoo for Coco Butts)”
Barkevious Mingo is like Childish Gambino with the safety off—zero reservations, 100 percent committed to insanity.
The former Louisiana State standout was drafted by the Cleveland Browns in the 2013 NFL draft, and will likely be tearing it apart in the NFL this coming season.
He’s the Barkevious B.I.G. Respect the bad rap name.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Ten Cat Commandments (LSU Tigers Remix)”
When track and field wasn’t working out, Lolo Jones switched to bobsledding to find success, so she’s not alien to the concept of trying new things.
In the context of the music industry, Lolo Jones would probably have a very short shelf life featuring a lone radio single about the importance of living like there's no tomorrow while...practicing...restraint?
No. 1 Hit Single: “YOLOLO (Until Third Base, Then Cut it Out)"
Urban Shocker is the name of an unimaginative emcee from a bustling metropolitan area.
It’s a surprisingly fitting name, consider Shocker was born in downtown Cleveland, and the 54 consecutive scoreless innings the former New York Yankee strung together during the 1920s might be a SHOCKER to you.
Whoa! Watch out with those puns, Dan!
No. 1 Hit Single: “The Digits of Love”
“My razor so clean, it shines bright like a night light”
“Razor so clean, Razor stay shining.” (Chopped and screwed voice)
That’s how a rapper with the same name as former New York Mets first base coach Razor Shines would rhyme.
Shines played first base for four years for the Montreal Expos for four seasons in the ‘80s before taking several coaching jobs around the MLB. I'd bet money he's bought the URL address “RazorShines.com” in the hopes that someone affiliated with Pusha-T or 2 Chainz will pick up the alias and pay big money for it.
No. 1 Hit Single: “Razor Stay Clean (Can’t Be Too Careful)”
There's always room for a sidekick in every rapper's group.
Grand Puba had Stud Doogie, Lil Wayne had Birdman and then there's Tony Twist—a former NHL enforcer with a name that sounds like the guy who's paid to wear a bucket hat and slowly rotate his hips in the background of Will Smith/DJ Jazzy Jeff music videos.
"Who's that guy?"
"That's Tony Twist."
"What does he do?"
No. 1 Hit Single: “Twist It (Don’t Tug It)”