Ronaldinho's Condoms and the 20 Worst Player Endorsement Deals
The good thing about communicating with an audience via an internet article is that you cannot see how much we’re struggling to keep a straight face as we write this: Brazilian legend Ronaldinho has endorsed his own brand of condoms.
We kid you not.
His face and signature appear on the range called "Sex Free" (a name that wouldn’t have worked if they were endorsed by his old Brazil teammate, Ronaldo) and are themed around the colors of Ronaldinho’s club, Atletico Minero.
Gone are the days when footballers only endorsed football boots, shin pads and, if they really wanted to be adventurous, energy drinks. They’re now getting their likeness put on contraception.
So, we’re asking (and still trying to stop laughing) what have been the worst ever player endorsement deals?
20. Jamie Redknapp/Thomas Cook
Jamie and his wife, Louise Redknapp, were part of a 2010 campaign for travel agents Thomas Cook, advertising holidays/vacations.
Here is a review of the video:
They tell you they can’t stop thinking about “it," they’re obsessed.
They spend lots of money on “it."
They’re anxious about “it."
“It” has caused them to lose weight.
But they still enjoy “it”.
Then they become very chilled and relaxed and go into a state of inactivity because of “it."
But they reiterate they still love “it” and they argue that they’re better people when they’re on “it."
They end with saying “it is the perfect holiday," but judging by the symptoms, it sounds like “it” is an illegal narcotic that they’ve developed an addiction for.
19. Pele/Erectile Dysfunction
Look, we're not saying Pele raising awareness for Erectile Dysfunction is a bad thing.
But, in the same way you think your father is a superhero and do not want that illusion (or truth, in the case of Batman junior) shattering, you don't want the greatest player to ever lace up a boot to be seen as someone who has problems in the bedroom.
18. Kevin Keegan/Brut
All we're saying is we'd feel 100 percent more comfortable if we thought King Kevin Keegan and boxing legend Henry Cooper were wearing underpants for the majority of this video to promote aftershave, Brut.
17. Manchester United and Liverpool/Chevrolet
This advert managed to outrage two birds with one stone when both Liverpool and Manchester United fans were upset about Chevrolet featuring the rivals in an advert together.
At least they didn't split the screen so Suarez and Evra were on at the same time.
16. Bobby Moore/Pubs
You would never see an advert in 2013 for pubs. Not one pub, but all pubs. Every pub.
We can joke but this ad works. The quality of this advert, featuring the late Sir Bobby Moore, definitely makes us want to drink.
15. Real Madrid and Manchester United/Pepsi
The trouble with being two of the most marketable teams in sport is that you have to do marketing.
In this showdown between Manchester United and Real Madrid for Pepsi, we see David Beckham as the least-threatening cowboy in the world. With his soft East London accent, he'd have lasted three minutes in the wild west.
If Becks demanded that we go "outside!" we'd just assume he wanted some fresh air because he felt a little faint.
We don't recall the western movie where they settled things with a single penalty. Everyone seems to die quite violently in the ones we've seen.
However, in the advert's defence, it was the role Juan Seba Veron was born to play.
14. Paul Gascoigne and Gary Lineker/Walkers Crisps
We're not knocking the Gary Lineker/Walker Crisps advert of present day. We like them.
But this one in 1996, featuring Paul Gascoigne, dines out (or at least a light snack in between meals) on the fact that Gazza cried on the pitch once (six years before this advert went to air).
So Walkers decided to utilize some over-the-top, "comedic" crying.
Where as we just sit here doing understated, quiet crying.
13. Pat Jennings/Unipart
You don't see television adverts for oil filters in this day and age, do you?
This advert, featuring former Arsenal, Spurs and Northern Ireland goalkeeper Pat Jennings dressed a shot-stopping oil filter, is probably why.
12. Michael Owen/Asda
What really confuses us about this advert for ASDA, featuring the now-retired Michael Owen, is how he can do all this strenuous activity in a supermarket without doing his hamstrings in?
No wonder he looks so happy at the end.
11. Kevin Keegan/Sugar Puffs
The most ridiculous part of this advert isn't the giant mutant who is playing football or that breakfast cereal can fuel you to win a match.
But what are Newcastle United doing winning a trophy?
10. Stuart Pearce, Chris Waddle and Gareth Southgate/Pizza Hut
Here's some background so you can truly appreciate this LOLapalooza of an advert:
In 1990, England were knocked out of the World Cup after Stuart Pearce and Chris Waddle missed penalties.
In 1996, England were knocked out of Euro 1996 after Gareth Southgate missed a penalty.
To capitalize on this national heartbreak, Pizza Hut put the three of them together to enjoy some—what would be called in this day-and-age—#PizzaPenaltyBantz.
Hahaha, it's funny because they let their entire nation down.
9. Ireland National Team/3 Mobile
The Republic Of Ireland have such little confidence in qualifying for the 2014 World Cup that the nation has taken to cheering on children eating their vegetables.
8. Carlton Palmer/Paddy Power
Not haunting like a beautiful piece of classical music.
Haunting like being haunted by an angry poltergeist who is breaking your house to bits and won't leave.
We're not sure if this advert, for bookmakers Paddy Power, is meant to be as frightening as it turns out, but Carlton Palmer definitely has a potential career as the monster in a horror movie.
We really hope we don't dream about this tonight.
7. Cristiano Ronaldo and Albert Morgan/Nike
The theme of this advert is that the Manchester United kitman, Albert Morgan, actually does have a great career ahead of him as a footballer.
Heaven knows, he doesn't have one as an actor.
Here is Brazil's current star advertising underwear brand Lupo.
It's enraged the gay community as it's pretty homophobic.
This advert is basically the polar opposite of the Kevin Keegan/Henry Cooper advert.
5. Kevin Keegan/Green Cross Code
Dear Kevin Keegan,
Do you know that it's possible to say "no" to offers to endorse products in adverts?
During his playing career at Liverpool, Kevin Keegan made this advert to promote road safety.
However, it has made us less road safe as we cannot stop thinking about Keegan's outfit in this advert, which preoccupies us to dangerous levels when crossing the road.
4. Luis Figo/Just for Men
If Luis Figo has “still got it” based on this advert for grey-hair-covering dye merchants, Just For Men, we don’t want it.
And we definitely won't be inviting Figo around to our house, in case he tries kicking a football at our plasma TV.
3. Joe Hart/Head and Shoulders
How is Joe Hart going to go down at a player's feet in a goal-line scramble, risking getting a boot in the face, if he needs a physio brought on just for a bit of an itchy scalp?
And what does he have in his hair to make his scalp so itchy? Fiberglass fleas?
2. Blackburn Rovers/Venky's
They have fired managers in a matter of weeks, but they stuck with the unpopular Steve Kean for an excruciating amount of time.
They have alienated themselves from the club's support.
But the worst thing?
Making the squad do this advert for their chicken processing company.
You have to ask yourself if David Dunn can't even defend a plate of chicken, how's he going to cope when he's been called back to guard a set piece?
1. Manchester United/Casillero Del Diablo
What's the worst performance you've ever seen from Manchester United?
Losing 6-1 to Manchester City in 2011?
Losing 5-0 to Chelsea in 1999?
Losing 5-0 to Newcastle United in 1996?
You'd be surprised to find out, the worst ever performance by a United team wasn't on the pitch, but in front of the camera in this advert for wine manufacturers Casillero del Diablo.
We've seen plays by eight-year-olds with more convincing acting.