It's the offseason, the night before the 2013 NBA draft and Twitter is getting antsy. No, they're not putting together their most outlandish draft-day trades. Instead, everybody is coming up with their best NBA chain stores.
Oh, you have no idea what I'm talking about? Well, let me clue you in, kemosabe.
You take an NBA player, roll it over to a pun on a chain store—whether it be a clothing outlet, grocery store or whatever—and you've got yourself an NBA chain store.
Let's lob out a few of the easy ones first just to give you an idea of what we're talking about here.
#NBAChainStores John Wall Mart— Josemir Jagr (@jose3030) June 27, 2013
Bayless's Shoe Source #NBAChainStores— devin kharpertian (@uuords) June 27, 2013
It's simple, it's stupid, and half of you are going to read this and think a certain portion of the population has something clinically wrong with them, but I can't help but laugh at each and every one.
Even the bad ones give me a bit of a chuckle, just based on the ridiculous effort put into being clever.
Toys R Ussell Westbrook #NBAChainStores— Steve McPherson (@steventurous) June 27, 2013
Beyond the horribly stretched attempts to be clever, there are also the straight-up terrible attempts, with not a bit of clever thinking involved.
#NBAChainStores Kenstuckey Fry Hickson— Yash (@dayasho) June 27, 2013
All right, now that we've gone through a few of the terrible attempts, and some looks at the more basic approaches, let's get a bit more intricate before we find the top few NBA chain stores.
Props to this one for not going straight to forcing the name to fit into the pun, just letting it flow together.
Damien Dilillard's #NBAChainStores— Aaron To (@aarontoto) June 27, 2013
Using Victor Oladipo seems like an easy pun, but it was one I couldn't think of until after I saw it laid out in front of me.
Home Oladipo #NBAChainStores— Steve McPherson (@steventurous) June 27, 2013
Two names! Super-bonus points!
#NBAChainStores Duncan Boguts ... A Tim Duncan & Andrew Bogut combo...— Miggy Haze (@MHazeInc) June 27, 2013
Let's go with one more honorable mention, simply because it made me feel so stupid.
#NBAChainStores K-Mart?— CherokeeParksandRec (@mcgfamFOUR) June 27, 2013
Okay, now that we've gotten down through some of the best, let's take a step forward into the top five, starting out with No. 5.
Stellar use of the split-pun, finding the funny when it's not painfully obvious. Now on to No. 4.
#NBAChainStores OutShaq Steak House— Josh Moreno (@Jmor_23) June 27, 2013
A ton of people went straight for the RadioShaq pun, but this lone soul made a run in another direction. No. 3 is even better:
Shved Bath & Beyond #NBAChainStores— Steve McPherson (@steventurous) June 27, 2013
Moderately known player with a unique pronunciation definitely gets a solid mention. We're closing in on the top spot here.
Bonus points here for using DeSegana Diop not once, but twice, and dropping the pun in on different words.
And your top-grossing NBA chain store is...
R-E-Eyenga #NBAChainStores— Zach Harper (@talkhoops) June 27, 2013
All right everybody, thanks for sticking with me through this, and chances are if you're still reading at this point and not just scrolling by to leave a snide comment, you got a few laughs like I did.
I know you've got your own puns, so you'd better share them in the comments and keep me stupidly giggling.
Welcome to the offseason, ladies and gentlemen!