My Prediction for the Miami Dolphins Next Year

peter weberContributor IMay 5, 2009

MIAMI - NOVEMBER 09:  Safety Yeremiah Bell #37 of the Miami Dolphins knocks the ball away from tight end John Carlson #89 of the Seattle Seahawks on a failed two-point conversion at Dolphin Stadium on November 9, 2008 in Miami, Florida. The Dolphins defeated the Seahawks 21-19.  (Photo by Doug Benc/Getty Images)

heres my completely unrealistic prediction for next years team.  I might be wrong on every pick.  Will be.  Take it with a grain of salt.  Actually so much salt, you can see your veins in your arm clog up like a gate to freedom in Sudan.

Week One: Falcons

Just got Tony Gonzolaz (I know I spelled that wrong, but you know who I'm talking about) and the scary part is Matty Ice got better. through the draft their defense got about six years younger, but replacing experience with energy might not always be good.  MY amii's loss, but they played hard and looked good against a top 8 team.

Week Two: Colts

Assuming Peyton's bursa sack stays nice and clean (come on Olivia, use the Neosporin) and Donald Brown is going to blow ship up, they're defense got a year older, but with Moala getting down and dirty next to $20 million worth of defense ends, unfortunately another loss (0-2)

Week Three: Chargers

Merriman is only 80ish percent, and English is not coming along as expected (my guess) so their defense is just a hilarious as last year, but Rivers gets even better, and the offense carries this team. 

But with the passing attack advantage going both ways for Miami (weird, I know), Miami gets win No. 1, and go to 1-2

Week Four: Bills

That gangsta is coming off a well deserved 3 game suspension, he's a wee bit rusty.  So I'm guessing that Miami sells out against the run, and blitz like crazy and the same time, and Sean Smith, the massive CB stealing all of T.O.'s thunder, Miami gets a nice and easy win.  2-2

Week Five: Jets

Sanchez and Greene are scary as a Jewish accountant three hours before April 14, but there defense is lacking depth, lacking an identity, and that OL is a tad bit over rated.  If they kept Coles or got Boldin, they might be a threat, but again I think that if you load the box, it takes away the run, and rushes the young one.  3-2. Giggity

Week Six: BYE

Week Seven: Saints 

Miami hasn't been on the road in almost a month, and it shows.  Wake, Porter, and CO. eat quarter back on a Breeze-less afternoon (hinting at his lack of passing yards) and the defense stays hilarious. 4-2

Week Eight: Jets

By this time, the weather has changed in the meadow lands in more than one way.  It gets cold for the so-cal fellow, and their lack of wins is putting a lot pressure on the newbies (coach, QB, and half of the ravens 08 Defense).  Offense is worse, and the defense is putting it together, but they still loose.  5-2

Week Nine: Patriots

Imagine a man who has lost millions in this stock market.  He is drunk, all sloppy looking, has been crying for hours and looks like he hasn't showered or shaved in a week.  Might be homeless.  That's the mental image I think of us playing the '09 Patriots.  Without going into the NSFW detail, 5-3.

Week 10: Buccaneers

Jermaine Philips was a great safety, now Raheem Morris has him filling Brooks old shoes, and it won't work.  Ronde is past his prime by about three years, and Ruud (Ruuuuuuuuuuud) is now the center peice and leader of this once dominant defense.  Offense is the poor man's version of '08 ATL. But Miami wins, 6-3.

Week 11: Panthers

Tony Fiammetta was high on my late round favorites, and he can block the snot out Defenses and Deangelo and the new fellow out of Oregon (brain freeze, and by the way I highly recommend Blue Bunny's Birthday Ice Cream).

Defense gets older, and Delhomme has been a year shy of 40 for about 8 years now, but he's still only 34, cheater.  They win, too bad, so sad.  6-4

Week 12: Bills

They suck, same explanation as week four, record is 7-4

Week 13: Patriots        7-5

Week 14: Jaguars

Britton, that rookie T, basically threatened to kill all 29 teams that passed on him.  Craaazyyy...Ok, I think they got so much better since January.  7-6

Week 15: Titans

click that link from fight club, its hilarious, and I think that Tennessee will be good, again, because VY is still not playing.  GO JEFF!! DON'T GIVE IN TO THE MINDLESS BUFFOONS WHO WANT HIM THERE!!!! This is not Madden folks.  7-7

Week 16: Texans

I have not ever believed the Houston Hype, and last years win is a fluke.  We gotz better CBs to contain Johnson, and Miami also got better than Houston this off season, 8-7

Week 17: Pittsburgh Steelers

Last year, hardest schedule, 13-3, SB 43 champs, this year, very easy schedule, scary...8-8.

Don't know if Miami makes playoffs.