Personally, I don’t dislike the player formerly known as Chad Johnson. And I used to think his stuff was funny because it lacked the “eff you-ness” of guys like Terrell Owens and Joe Horn.

But the dude changed his last name Ochocinco.

His initials: C.O.C.

If that doesn’t qualify you for a douche bag list, then there’s just no point in even having one.

I don’t care that he’s a Hall of Fame coach. This guy has left a trail of tears in his wake dating all the way back to 1972.

1972: Takes Davidson job. Ditches Davidson job before ever coaching a game to jump to the Carolina Cougars job in the ABA

1979: After three and a half years with the Denver Nuggets, bolts Denver to take over at UCLA. Denver goes from making the playoffs at 47-35 to finishing 30-52 the next season.

1980: Takes UCLA to the NCAA Tournament finals, a feat later vacated by the NCAA because two players were ineligible

1983: Now with the Nets, Brown takes the Kansas job with a month still left in the NBA season. The Nets, who were having their best season since the ABA-NBA merger, suspend him for the rest of the season. The team bombs out in the first round of the playoffs.

1988: Brown takes Kansas to the Promised Land with the NCAA championship, then leaves under a cloud of NCAA sanctions for various recruiting violations.

While he takes over with the San Antonio Spurs, Kansas is left as the only defending champion in history to be banned from defending its title.

1992: After being fired by San Antonio, Brown lands on his feet weeks later as head coach of the Los Angeles Clippers. He took the Clippers to the playoffs in both seasons, then left for Indiana. In the first post-Brown season, the Clips went 27-55.

1997: After resigning the Pacers job, takes over in Philadelphia and begins a well-chronicled feud with precocious youngster Allen Iverson.

2003: After a generally successful reign with the 76ers that included a trip to the NBA Finals and Brown’s first NBA Coach of the Year Award (he won three in the ABA), he abruptly quits the Philly job and take the same position in Detroit.

2004: As head coach of the Olympic team, Brown bombs horribly, clashing with players and trying to force his system on a group of All-Stars who are a bad fit for it.

Rather than adapt, he criticizes the selection committee. U.S. is forced to settle for the bronze, necessitating the need for the “Redeem Team” in 2008.

2005: After winning the title in 2004, making him the only coach to win both an NCAA and NBA championship, Brown is rumored to be working on other job openings even as the Pistons were attempting to defend their title.

After losing in the 2005 NBA Finals, the Pistons eagerly buy out Brown’s contract. As soon as you can say “tampering,” Brown is named head coach of the New York Knicks for $50 million over five years. The Knicks are Brown’s fourth Eastern Conference team in eight years.

2006: After one miserable season in New York (23-59) that included more horrible relationships with his players, most notably Stephon Marbury, Brown is bought out for the tidy sum of $18.5 million.

2008: Brown takes the Charlotte job, his 13th in 35 years. Average years per gig: 2.69.

Great coach? Yes. But Brown is the kind of guy who’s always seducing his next mark, while leaving his former love either crushed or damn happy to see him go.

Call him the “I Promise You’re Going to Hate Me Eventually Douche.” Charlotte fans, you’ve been warned.

I know there are plenty of people who like Daly, and I can understand why. I’ve had many friends over the years pull the same kind of crap Daly pulls and, to be candid, I thought it was freaking hilarious.

But when you’re a professional golfer, and you show up drunk, and you stay drunk throughout the tournament until they kick you out, and you show up on TV drunk, fat, sweaty and shirtless, hitting golf balls off beer cans in front of television cameras, embarrassing the sponsors who for some reason still showed faith in you, well, you’re a douche bag.

The former Stars wing (since traded to the Rangers) caused quite a stir when he used the term “sloppy seconds” when discussing other players dating his former girlfriends.

On the face of it, that comment wouldn’t get you on this list. But there are extenuating circumstances: According to an ESPN report, he went up to a crowd of reporters waiting for him to discuss some unflattering comments he made about another guy, then asked them if there was a camera there that could record the sloppy seconds comment.

I mean, you’re just being a dick at that point.

Another factor in Avery’s inclusion on the list was this quote, taken from the same ESPN story: “I like to push it to the edge, no doubt about it," Avery said this summer, after signing a $15.5 million, four-year deal with the Stars. "That's how I play. That's how I live. That's what I'm all about.”

(Hint: Anybody using the phrase “that’s what I’m all about” should know that’s right up there with wearing Affliction and Tapout shirts* as red flags of douchebaggery.)

(* Unless you or a close friend are actually MMA fighters sponsored by Affliction or Tapout.)

This one is a little out of the box, and a bit more complicated than the rest.

White deserves full credit for his job of bringing the UFC, and MMA with it, into the American sporting mainstream. Whether it’s officially taken over boxing as America’s favorite combat spot, I’m not sure. But it’s right up there, and that’s very much a testament to White’s tenacity and savvy as a marketer.

But … he’s a douche bag. Chalk it up to being from Southie or whatever, but White is a hard-ass to the core.

He says stuff he shouldn’t, but that’s not why he’s here. You certainly can’t use gay slurs like he did in a video blog not too long ago, but I tend to believe it was more a show of ignorance than a bigotry against homosexuals. If I used ignorance as a barometer of douchosity, this list would be 1,000 people deep.

What gets White on this list is a far more sinister tactic he’s using in getting fighters to sign away control of their likeness rights (for posters, video games, action figures and whatnot).

Take for example Jon Fitch, one of the best welterweights in the UFC. When he balked at signing a lifetime licensing agreement allowing the UFC to use his likeness in a video game, White sent the world of MMA a quick and brutal message:

Fitch, three months after earning a title shot, was released from the UFC and was without a place to fight.

He signed the agreement the next day.

White was just doing what was in the best interests of his business, and so I understand why he does what he does. And having run across a few Southies over the years, I can tell you his attitude is as ingrained in his personality as a southern accent is in a guy from Alabama. Some things you just can’t help in life.

But he’s still a douche bag.

This one is so obvious I don’t want to put him in just because it’s so obvious. But I can’t not put him in, so here he is.

Like Ochocinco, I don’t think T.O. is quite the a-hole he’s portrayed to be. I mean, sure he’s thrown all his former quarterbacks under the bus (though he did speak highly of Tim Rattay at one point).

And sure all three of his former teams eagerly ditched out on him when they could have kept him at a reasonable salary.

And yes, there was that whole weird sit-ups-in-the-driveway episode during his Eagle days.

And I suppose he never takes responsibility for anything that ever goes wrong, and kind of quits when things aren’t going his way, and coined the term “I love me some me,” which puts him right up there with John Edwards and Donald Trump in the Egomaniac Hall of Fame.

But … umm … wait … what was I saying?

The choice for this spot came between Johnson or Plaxico Burress. Johnson gets the nod because not only does he cause his team headaches with dumb stuff like hold outs and missed team meetings, he also has problems with women.

A neat little synopsis from his Wikipedia page:

Johnson has been arrested four times since 2003 on various assault charges against women.

In 2003, he was arrested for felony aggravated assault and misdemeanor domestic battery for waving a gun during an argument at his home with an ex-girlfriend. The charges were dropped when Johnson agreed to participate in a domestic violence diversion program.

In 2005, he was again arrested for assault when a woman accused Johnson of pushing her to the ground, but the case was dropped after the alleged victim failed to appear in court for three different hearings.

His third arrest for assault came on Feb. 24, 2008, after allegedly pushing a woman's head at a nightclub on Feb. 24.

On Oct. 10, 2008, Johnson was arrested for the fourth time and charged with one count of non-aggravated assault for allegedly spitting a drink in a woman's face at a Kansas City nightclub on Oct. 10.

In March of this year, Johnson pleaded guilty to the two incidents in 2008 and was sentenced to two years probation.

Johnson was also deactivated for the Oct. 19, 2008 game against the Tennessee Titans in response to violating an undisclosed team rule (apparently not the one that says don’t spit drinks in women’s faces*).

(* That part is me.)

Up until he turned on the Raptors franchise, Carter was generally viewed as a stand-up guy who carried the franchise on the court and did more than his part for the community off the court.

But three years into a six-year, $92 million deal, Carter decided the franchise had turned sour and he wanted out.

Then he quit.

I mean, he just completely tanked it, milking injuries and refusing to give max effort. He even stopped dunking, which is the passive aggressive equivalent of walking on the court with a bullhorn and telling a cheering crowd to go eff themselves.

There are certainly other quitters out there (Randy Moss with the Raiders immediately comes to mind; Manny in Boston last year certainly qualifies), but Carter gets extra special credit for the sheer level of pain and resulting hatred he left in the hearts of Raptors fans.

At only age 24, Dukes is well down the aisle of a Douche Bag Hall of Fame career:

Let’s take a walk down Douche Bag Lane …

In late April 2007, Dukes, 23, barged into his wife’s middle school classroom at lunch. Dukes’ wife, NiShea Gilbert, 26, ran to get the principal and a deputy, who banned Dukes from the property.

A voicemail message on Gilbert’s phone attributed to Dukes: “Hey, dawg. It's on, dawg. You dead, dawg. I ain't even bullshitting. Your kids too, dawg. It don't even matter to me who is in the car with you. N-----, all I know is, n-----, when I see your mother-f------- ass riding, dawg, it's on. As a matter of fact, I'm coming to your mother-f------ house.”

Gilbert said Dukes sent a photo of a handgun to her cell phone.

In 2003, Gilbert accused Dukes of throwing a remote control at her. In April 2004, she accused him of harassing phone calls. Later that year, she said he hit her with a soda can, threw a glass candy bowl and ripped a phone cord out of the wall when she tried to call 911.

In October 2005, Carla Bryant, the mother of Dukes' oldest child, filed for a domestic violence restraining order against Dukes. A judge ordered that he stay away from her for a year. Bryant claimed Dukes threatened her over the phone.

Dukes has also been ordered to attend an anger management course after an altercation with Bryant and a judge ordered him to attend a certified batterers' intervention program and substance abuse evaluation after an incident during Gilbert’s second pregnancy.

Dukes has six children born to five women - two of the women were pregnant at the same time, giving birth in 2003 within eight days of each other.

On June 12, 2008 a 17-year-old foster child who was living in the care of his step-grandmother accused him of impregnating her. Police said the sex was apparently consensual. When the girl confronted Dukes, he allegedly got angry and threw a bottle of Gatorade at her.

Dukes was suspended for 30 games while with AAA Durham for on-field confrontations with a coach and a teammate.

Dukes was sentenced to probation in February 2005 for a charge of domestic battery and charged with misdemeanor marijuana possession during a traffic stop.

Wow.

I mean, just wow.

Everybody knows full well about the juicing. Whether it was just with Texas or back into high school and into his tenure with New York as Roberts alleges is almost immaterial (aside from the fact it, if true, the allegations would just prove again that he’s a lying schmuck).

But it’s gotten to the point where the steroids stuff is almost the best part about him.

The allegations of tipping opposing hitters in hopes they would return the favor, if true … I mean, you can get punched in the face for something like that.

Think about it. That means that Rodriguez intentionally sabotaged the career of his teammates in order to further his own career. On a douche bag scale of 1 to 10, that ranks right up around infinity.

I loved how the New York Daily News surmised some of the other allegations in Roberts’ book:

“Alex Rodriguez was an insecure prima donna who made a clubhouse attendant load his toothbrush with toothpaste after every game in his three seasons with the Texas Rangers, a new book charges.

"The Rangers were also required to send a basket of food to the controversial All-Star's hotel suite during road trips, Sports Illustrated columnist Selena Roberts reports in ‘A-Rod.’ Many Texas teammates kept their distance from A-Rod, who they saw as a spoiled superstar.

"His relationship with other players didn't improve when Rodriguez joined the Yankees in 2004. His Bomber teammates regarded A-Rod as a phony and a hypocrite because he tried to project an All-American public image while pursuing a swinger's lifestyle.

"During a series in Texas, Roberts writes, A-Rod went to a sex club while his wife, Cynthia, pregnant with their first child, was at home in New York. Rodriguez also turned off teammates by bragging about wild nights with strippers - and by making clumsy passes at other players' wives and girlfriends.”

And then of course there was the photo of him kissing himself.

(And what’s with the mattress right next to him? Did he just have sex with himself and he’s kissing himself good bye?)

Alex Rodriguez, I hereby proclaim you the Mayor of Doucheberry, the Governor of Douchachusetts, the King of Douchitopia, and the Kaiser of Doucheland all rolled into one.

If you were a transformer, you would be Douchetron.

You, sir, are the biggest douche in all the land.

Congratulations. You’ve earned it.