Top 6 Ways You Know You Are an Arizona Cardinals Fan
After so much pain and disgust wrapped around two seasons that proved to be bigger disappointments than the Sega Dreamcast, it’s time to have some fun.
Check your seriousness at the door this time, and open your mind, because here are the top six reasons you know you are a Cardinals fan (in no particular order).
You Know the Offensive Line Is Terrible, You Just Don’t Care
D'Anthony Batiste was a terrible football player in 2012.
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We don’t care how many sacks the offensive line allowed last year. It is the best unit in football every preseason according to us.
It was all the quarterbacks’ fault, anyway.
If they would have gotten the ball out faster, stepped up in the pocket more often, not rolled out to the right half the time and called the right plays, the line would have been able to do its job better.
If you think I’m kidding, get a load of this.
From 2010 to 2012, no team allowed more sacks than the Cardinals—a mind-blowing 162 sacks, or an average of 54 per season.
In 2008 and 2009, the two seasons in which Kurt Warner was under center for Big Red, the line allowed 54 sacks total.
Don’t tell Cardinals fans the quarterbacks had nothing to do with the line being as bad as it has been.
You Still Have Grill Marks on Your Rump from Sun Devil Stadium Seating
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Sitting through home games was bad enough pre-University of Phoenix Stadium, given how terrible the team was. Doing so in 115-degree heat made you a real Cards fan.
I have a great deal of respect for those of you who can proudly say you’ve been a season-ticket holder since the team moved to Arizona in 1988.
You are why the team stuck around and why the new stadium in Glendale was built. Without you, this franchise may have moved on long ago.
You Think Finishing 8-8 Makes the Season a Success
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Arizona has finished with a non-losing record six times since the 1988 move. Half those seasons have come in the seven years since moving into the air-conditioned mother ship that is U of P.
No franchise has had more double-digit losing seasons since '88 than the Cardinals. They and the Detroit Lions share the dishonor of having the most, at a staggering 15 such seasons. Fifteen seasons out of 25 means out of every five football seasons, three of them have been 10-or-more-loss years.
Remember the feeling you got after the team revived itself in 2011 behind John Skelton to finish 8-8 after a 1-6 start? The Cardinals missed the playoffs by a game.
Would they have made a run had they miraculously snuck into the postseason? It’s hard to say—you can’t count out any team that makes the playoffs. After all, the 2008 Cardinals were the worst playoff team in NFL history.
Right, Cris Collinsworth?
You Have No Idea What a Quarterback Is
We have seen glimpses of real quarterback play. The aforementioned Warner was great for two seasons, and even Kevin Kolb resembled an NFL quarterback for three whole games in 2012.
Other than that, the position has been a complete disaster.
Not counting Warner’s stats, all quarterbacks who attempted at least 50 passes as a member of the Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals compiled a 55.58 completion percentage, threw for an average of 6.46 yards per attempt, completed 2.99 percent of their passes for touchdowns and had 3.91 percent of their passes intercepted. That all adds up to a 69.0 passer rating.
The totals for all 27 quarterbacks, minus Warner, are as follows: 6,474-of-11,648 for 75,246 yards, 348 touchdowns and 455 interceptions.
You Stuck Around Longer Than Anquan Boldin
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Boldin wanted as much as Fitzgerald was getting per season, and if he couldn’t have it, he wanted no part of the Cardinals.
His relationship with then-offensive coordinator Todd Haley didn’t help.
Congratulations. You made it further than Boldin did. You stuck it out through The Quan’s departure, six starting quarterbacks and an entire organizational overhaul we have faith will succeed if only because we’re either naïve or incredibly trusting in Michael Bidwill.
You Can Spell “Bidwill”
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If you cannot, please take this time to learn how to correctly spell the owner and president’s name.
They are among the longest-tenured owners in the NFL, and they deserve that respect despite what you feel they have or have not done for your favorite franchise.
B. I. D. W. I. L. L.
Bill and Michael thank you from the bottom of their hearts.