8 Ways You Know You Are a Houston Texans Fan
In a metro area that contains almost six million people, this describes a wide variety of individuals. There are those who treat the game strictly as entertainment or a social experience. Then there are others who live and die according to the exploits of their favorite team.
What sets apart the true fanatic from everyone else? It takes more than face paint or asking J.J Watt to the prom.
You Have a Matt Schaub Voodoo Doll
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Your team is stuck with this weak-armed, weaked-chinned, weak-willed wimp at quarterback. Those dopes in the front office signed him to a four-year extension after the season opener against the Dolphins.
They didn’t even wait till the end of the season to see if he was worth it. So you went to a voodoo hougan (a.k.a. priest) to help take fix this problem.
The plan is to wait until early in training camp and work on his right foot, the one with the Lisfranc injury, until it gives way. Then the Texans can get T.J. Yates the practice time he needs to lead Houston to the Super Bowl.
Voodoo doll image curtesy of freeimageslive.co.uk user Halloween
You Wore an Andre Johnson Jersey to a Formal Function
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You were the best man at your brother’s wedding, which his stupid fiancée scheduled for the third preseason game against the New Orleans Saints. The game where the starters get most of the reps.
It was a bad omen to miss your first Texans game ever. All that voodoo stuff is big down in NOLA.
One of our top players might get hurt. You wore the jersey under your tux for good luck during the ceremony, which started at 5 p.m. But there was no way it was going to stay hidden once the game started at 7 o’clock.
That frilly shirt and bowtie came off at the reception and you showed your love for the greatest Texans ever. The team may have lost 34-27, but there were no serious injuries. It worked like a charm.
You Replay All the Games During the Bye Week
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This can be a very busy week some years. In 2011, the bye was in Week 11. That meant watching 10 games! Your girlfriend was totally peeved, and you had to buy her a spa package to keep the peace.
There were only seven games to catch up on last season. That meant getting to see Houston beat the Baltimore Ravens 43-13 one more time. What a sweet comeback it was after getting punked by the Green Bay Packers 42-14 in Week 6.
This year we not only have to face the Ravens in Week 3, but then the Seattle Seahawks followed by the San Francisco 49ers. It could be a rough go of it during the bye in Week 8, especially if Schaub is still the starter at quarterback. T.J., T.J., T.J.!
A J.J. Swatt Tattoo Is On Your Bucket List
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When J.J Watt was Given the 2012 NFL Defensive Player of the Year, you celebrated with a Bulls on Parade tat on your left bicep. When it flexes, Toro looks like he is charging. Cool!
After the Texans beat the New England Patriots in Reliant Stadium this year, the plan is for some ink that shows J.J. tipping a pass with hands shaped like tennis rackets. The Pats practiced for Watt’s outstretched mitts for last season’s game in Week 14 using real rackets.
They can practice with hockey sticks if they like this time, because nothing will stop the most dominant player in the NFL. Your mother keeps trying to talk you out of it.
But then she never liked the “8” on the back of your left hand and the “0” on your right. When you catch a pass, your hands come together to make “80.” It reminds you of Andre.
Only your buddies understand.
Your Vacation Days Are Reserved for Training Camp
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The first two weeks are the best time to go. Luckily, that’s exactly how much time you have off.
You get to see the players fighting to make the team. Trying to figure out who gets cut and who gets on the active roster is just like being a coach.
In your opinion, they should have kept Delano Johnson at outside linebacker and cut Jesse Nading in 2012. Johnson is younger, bigger and faster than Nading.
The roster going into training camp shows you were right. Johnson is back for another try, and Nading is nowhere to be found. Gary Kubiak falls in love with players and cannot see them for what they really are.
You Feel Vince Young Should Have Been a Texan
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If V.Y. had played in his hometown of Houston, he would have been the first of the read-option quarterbacks.
Everybody raves about Robert Griffin III, Russell Wilson and Colin Kaepernick. Young had better running skills and an arm at least as good as Wilson’s.
But Gary Kubiak had to brown-nose his way into the job by telling Bob McNair he could work with David Carr. So your team gets stuck with a defensive end named Mario Williams that was never deserving of the first pick. Carr is released to make room for none other than Matt Schaub.
The Texans could have had someone with the kind of mobility it takes to run with the ball and sidestep the pass rush. It could have all fallen into place with the support of the home crowd and some proper coaching,
Instead we are stuck with a stiff calling the signals that could not get out of the way of a lawnmower.
You Tailgate Even in the Offseason
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Practice makes perfect, and that goes for your tailgate setup.
It’s too much trouble to make your Cajun-style brisket every weekend. Still, you load the pickup with your sound system, barbecue setup, coolers, folding chairs, tables and Battle Red canopy at least once a month.
That is quite a load to get properly packed. If you wait until the first preseason game, you can’t be sure if all of it will fit.
Everything has to be in working order. Nothing is more frustrating than opening your canopy to find it torn, or that the wheels on a cooler have worn out. This is serious business, after all.
Your Gravestone Will Commemorate the Win Over Cowboys
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You keep on meaning to make up a will. But your parents and friends all know what your epitaph will read.
It was the first regular-season game in 2002, and it is still considered the biggest win in franchise history. No one gave an expansion team a ghost of a chance against America’s Team, even if Dallas had gone 5-11 the previous season.
Houston scored first and never trailed the entire sixty minutes. They grabbed a 17-10 lead on a 65-yard touchdown pass from David Carr to Corey Bradford. Then they added insult to injury when Seth Payne sacked Quincy Carter in his own end zone for the final two points.
Dallas owner Jerry Jones has admitted he cried after the loss. When things get tough for Texans fans, recalling that 19-10 triumph makes it all a little easier to take.
If there is any single thing you want to look upon for all eternity, this is it.
Gravestone image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons lcm1863