While researchers at the Bloodhound Gang Institute are quick to point out we ain’t nothing but mammals, the truth is that some of us bear a strong resemblance to other nonhuman creatures from around the animal kingdom.
The following are sports figures who look like animals, and they all have more than a little in common with the furry, scaled and four-legged friends we share this planet with.
With that, it’s time to unleash the hounds and bring out the beast within.
The Birdman looks like a bird. This is not news.
What you may not have known, however, is that Chris Anderson's hair resembles the saffron plumage of the sulphur-crested cockatoo.
Drop that line next time you're at the bar watching the Finals. Chicks dig ornithology.
You're out in the middle of the Mojave Desert, and you see a goofy shape on the horizon. You wonder to yourself: Is that a giant desert tortoise or Sam Cassell driving real slowly in a Volkswagen Beetle?
Your guess is as good as mine, but if it starts speaking in English, that's how you know it's Cassell. Or it's a turtle, and you're just suffering from acute exposure.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the man, Eric “Butterbean” Esch is an American heavyweight boxer and mixed martial artist.
A tidbit you might not know is that Esch was raised in captivity at the San Diego Zoo and is the first member of his pod to evolve into a being capable of traversing dry land.*
Former Barcelona great Ronaldinho reminded the world of soccer’s beauty when he took the field at Camp Nou.
He also reminded the world to schedule an appointment with their dentists whenever he flashed his goofy smile, which looks a lot like the grin of a goat who ate all your boots.
It takes a grown man to quasi-admit he looks like a character from Franklin & Friends on national television—which Rajon Rondo did on Jimmy Kimmel Live! this weekend during the show’s most recent rendition of “Mean Tweets.”
And while a cruel Twitter user might’ve pointed it out, it doesn’t change the fact that Rondo in Celtic green does indeed smack of Franklin the Turtle.
Rondo looked like he would’ve been just fine without this revelation.
I’m not a zoologist, but my experience in comedy-movie viewing leads me to believe this little Harry Caray lookalike is a white-headed capuchin.
That being said, he is perfect and should never be allowed to remove those glasses.
Rampage Jackson and this pitbull have two very important things in common:
1. They have block jaws big enough to hide a roast in.
2. Once they latch onto you, they won't let go for anything in the world.
The tarsier disguises itself by clinging to trees in the forest and pretending to be a small teddy bear undergoing a colonoscopy—which is Tim Duncan's natural defense every time a foul is called on him.
He's got the speed. He's got the hair.
Cristiano Ronaldo is humanity's version of the greater roadrunner—not to be confused with his shorter, more disappointing younger brother who lives in his parents' basement, the lesser roadrunner.
After taking some sloppy-looking pictures at the Met Gala in May, Tiger Woods looked more like Drunk Husky’s booze buddy than a professional golf player.
And you know what happens when Drunk Husky and Tiger Woods get that syrup in them.
Let's be honest—no one would blink twice if Russell Westbrook had a forked tongue.
The Oklahoma City Thunder guard is quick as a snake and has a distinctly reptilian facial structure, making him look like an Animorph who got 10 percent of the way through a transformation before his powers stalled.
In other words, Westbrook might be "cold blooooded."
Tennis star Novak Djokovic is a graceful, if not aggressive, flamingo of a man.
However, more so than his game, it's the long neck, skinny head and birdish snout that make him look like this large waterfowl.
Long neck, big ears and a perpetually confused look on his face is all that's needed to pin Michael Phelps as a big, aquatic greyhound.
The fact that they're both extremely fast at racing is just a bonus, but it certainly seems appropriate.
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—Mike Tyson highly resembles a bulldog. Also worth mentioning is that Tyson and bulldogs both look tough on the exterior, but deep inside they’re pretty big softies.
Ozzie Guillen and pugs: They always look guilty, but whether they actually feel any remorse is a whole other debate.
While some may think Pau Gasol looks more akin to an emu or an ostrich, it this author’s opinion that the Lakers forward looks more like a certain South American pack animal of the camelid variety.
He’s got a hell of an arm and a crocodile smile.
Maybe it’s just me, but I’ve always thought there was something reptilian about the way Robert Griffin III grins. On the other hand, I would prefer not to see him on the ground executing an injured RG3 death roll again this season.
His face could be confused for many different lifeforms—most of them not from this solar system.
But if we’re talking terrestrial lookalikes, former NBA journeyman Tyrone Hill is a dead ringer for the biggest, flapping-est vampire bat you ever saw.
If Al Harris doesn’t own a mop dog, somebody needs to buy him one.
There are just too many amazing images that need be taken of the former Green Bay cornerback with this wild-haired breed for him not have one at his side constantly.
Seriously, I’ll set up a Kickstarter.
If there’s one creature on this earth that can capture the simple elegance of Alex Morgan, it’s the Afghan hound and its flowing locks.
Just go with it.
Almost kept this off here because the tread is wearing thin on this joke, but the truth is inescapable—no animal-to-athlete doppelgänger list is complete without a Chris Bosh/velociraptor comparison.