Top-level footballers earn a lot of money, people who earn a lot of money buy expensive cars, but top level footballers often have terrible taste.
So, in an algebraic equation:
x + y = z
x = Footballer
y = Money
z = Cars more hideous than a bucket of stomachs.
We have risked our sight, sanity and love for humanity to go through every tacky car owned by a footballer, and we have compiled a list of the ugliest 10.
We don't recommend you click "next slide" if you've recently eaten.
Now, you can't see it because it's camouflaged, but in this picture is a £160,000 Bentley that has had some unspeakably evil things done to it.
Super Mario covered his poor car in army camouflage vinyl wrap.
We're not sure what he is trying to hide the car from. But, unfortunately, it is not hidden enough.
Reports claim Stephen Ireland is on his way out of Aston Villa. We bet the club hopes he doesn't leave his modified Bentley GTC convertible with him.
This car looks like it is wrapped in a brand new white with red trim tracksuit it has stolen from a giant chav.
In 2009, William Gallas decided his £350,000 Mercedes McLaren wasn't reflective enough. So he gave it a chrome wrap.
Thankfully this process helped Gallas achieve the desired look of making the car resemble the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day trying to transform into the face of a sad horse.
As if it's not bad enough, he added an "R" onto the "RANGE" logo of your Range Rover, to make his last name. But Nile Ranger also customised it with his own, incredibly terrible, nickname at the back "POWER RANGER."
Go, go Power Ranger and take your disaster-wagon with you.
Ranger's Range Rover was involved in a car crash last month.
Luckily, no one was hurt and, even luckier, this monstrosity was written off.
OK, it's not strictly a car, but it is strictly hideous.
Despite approaching 32, Shaun Wright-Phillips looks likes a teenage boy at the best of times, but when he is sitting aboard a comparatively massive tricycle, he looks like a toddler.
The vehicle itself looks like 2012 Paralympic games mascot, Mandeville, has been tortured by being covered in tar and having wheels attached to his limbs.
Knowing Djibirl Cisse, knowing what he looks like. He wasn't going to ever own an understated Citroen Picasso was he?
The grill looks like he's tried to run over a steel tattoo and let's not mention the hood that is seemingly being haunted.
Big Stevey Ireland's back with another entry from his garage of horrors.
This Audi A8, which he had painted in the colors of his then-club Manchester City, looks more like a giant positive pregnancy test on wheels.
He's done some disgusting things on the pitch, like spitting at people, getting himself deliberately sent off and taunting players who have just broken their legs.
But he's done even more disgusting things in the car showroom.
El Hadji Diouf decided to cover his 4X4 in gold plates in 2009.
If bad rap music was a car, it would be this car.
He violated this poor Aston Martin by drowning it in a chrome vinyl wrap and the Aston Martin had done nothing to him.
The poor machine looks like the road has had a chemical reaction with Jermaine Pennant and coated him in solid vulgarity.
And last but not least, it's Stephen Ireland. Again.
This footballer is to ugly cars, what Lionel Messi is to football. The master.
And the winner is this Range Rover that looks like a Transformer in lady's makeup.