The 2009 NFL Analyst Draft

You – How often do you sit in front of your TV asking yourself "how the hell is THIS guy an expert?" Well now, here's your chance. The football world is slightly baffled at first by the pick, but in the end it starts to make sense with the Lions.

After decades of unsuccessful drafts, they’ve come up with a winning formula: don’t draft anyone with a name. Besides, a blue-collared town such as Detroit will actually appreciate you whether you win or lose–you’ll be like a modern day Rudy.

And it makes perfect sense in this economy, especially in Detroit, where you’ll be completely happy taking the league minimum of about $285,000.

Mel Kiper Jr., ESPN Draft Guru, was once considered the number one pick in the draft (this according to Mel Kiper) for his ridiculous ability to form every law known to man regarding the NFL draft, but was eliminated from contention after Lions management couldn’t handle his sheer douchebaggery.

Mike and Mike – The Rams know they’ve got a lot of holes to fill and they get lucky with the Golic and Greenie package deal. As an added bonus, Golic will be able to step back in the huddle and fill in some holes in that shoddy defense…thanks NutriSystem!

Bill Belichick – Is he an analyst? No. But it’s no secret that new GM Scott Pioli is doing everything he can to build Foxborough West in Kansas City, and what better way to build it than to just bring the whole damn thing over, Spygate tools and all.

The PTI Guys: Tony Kornheiser and Michael Wilbon – Once projected as the top overall prospects, Seattle is fortunate enough to have them drop down to No. 4 as ESPN’s No. 1 rated show.

Erin Andrews – The Jets make the big trade to take the sexiest pick in the draft…and damn is it sexy.

Mark Schlereth – They need o-line help…and they need it bad. The Bengals gave up 51 sacks last year and if Carson Palmer ever wants to throw the ball, they had to find someone to help block him.

Schlereth’s stock dropped tremendously after a poor combine, but the Bengals are happy to take a player into their organization that knows how to win a Super Bowl...even if he is 43 years old.

Plus he’s never been arrested so he’s a serious improvement over anyone else on their roster.

Michael Irvin – Al Davis loves speed. Michael can help with that. It might violate his parole…but Michael Irvin’s got people that can hook him up with those kind of things.

Jay Glazer – The Jags have been in need of someone to help fill in the line ever since Marcus Stroud left. Glazer may not be able to do the work himself…but he’ll be the first person to tell them who can.

Todd McShay – Not many people question Ted Thompson’s ability to evaluate talent, and he tends to take the top talent available. Ironically, the top talent available may be a guy who spends his days evaluating talent—and arguing with Mel Kiper.

The Packers seriously considered Kiper at this point, but his lack of on-field experience and the fact that his college didn’t even have a football team ruined his chances.

Keyshawn Johnson – How could the 'Niners not pass on a tall, slightly overrated wide receiver with an enormous ego and a possibly slow 40-time? Many analysts predicted the Raiders taking him, but you know…that whole speed thing…

Ed Werder – TO hates Buffalo. There’s no media attention, no paparazzi to deal with, no one to butt heads with – he’s bored as hell and owner Ralph Wilson is getting an earful daily.

In an effort to please the child that is Terrell Owens, Wilson drafts Ed Werder, the ESPN reporter who was seemingly assigned the God-awful, permanent position of following Terrell Owens’ every move in Dallas.

This way, TO feels like he’s still relevant to the rest of the world. Old school Ralph Wilson is applauded for his brilliance.

Marshall Faulk – If there’s anything we learned from the Jay Culter saga, it’s not to bash heads with new head coach Josh McDaniels…because he will straight trade your ass.

By drafting Faulk, who has been anything but supportive of McDaniels since his arrival in Denver, the new Coach will have full control over everything he says.

McDaniels: “Don’t like the way I do things around here do you Marshall?”
Faulk: “You’ve ruined a great franchise McDaniels. Go jump in the ball pit kid.”
McDaniels: “Wind sprints Faulk, let’s go.”

Steve Young – After falling past the 49ers, owner Dan Snyder originally figures Young can tutor starting quarterback Jason Campbell to be championship caliber signal-caller.

But by Week Four, Snyder’s impatience will lead to him just having Young suit up and replacing the youngster from Auburn.

Apparently a young, gradually improving Campbell, with a weak receiving corps and below average pass protection in the toughest division in football, isn’t good enough for Dan Snyder.

Forgetting the fact that he’s 47, Snyder just can’t pass up the opportunity to take a proven quarterback who’s seen a championship game or two.

Chris Mortensen – Although not as young as Glazer, Mort offers the Saints with an inside look at pretty much any other team, and will offer breaking news updates about Reggie Bush’s injuries weeks before they’ll actually occur.

Mike Mayock – The Texans are on the verge of becoming a playoff contender, one or two more good drafts, and they very well could be competing for the top spot in the AFC South.

Mayock, a draft analyst for the NFL Network, could very well provide it. According to Mel Kiper however, this is a bit of a reach.

Chris Berman – Chargers GM A.J. Smith has a knack for finding talent in the draft. He found little in Berman, but loves the nicknames he comes up with for players.

Stuart Scott – In attempt to become more “hip” and “cool” with everyone, owner Malcolm Glazer cuts anyone who has any relation to the team over the age of 30 except Ronde Barber, and drafts ESPN’s “hip” and “cool” expert, Stuart Scott.

If it weren’t for his lazy eye, Scott most likely would’ve gone higher, but teams are afraid he may be losing his depth perception.

Trent Dilfer – New coach Josh McDaniels is so confident in his ability to groom no-name quarterbacks, he takes things to a whole new level by drafting ESPN NFL Analyst Trent Dilfer.

Dilfer, who is much lauded for his far-below-average quarterback play in the pros and somehow still riding Ray Lewis’ back to a Super Bowl victory, proves to be the ultimate challenge.

If McDaniels proves successful, he will surely go down as the single greatest quarterback groomer in NFL history.

Ron Jaworski – The Eagles, afraid of the Lions possibly drafting Philly hero Ron Jaworski, trade up to avoid such a travesty. Jaws will review some tape and convince Andy Reid that he should throw the ball even more. The result, will inexplicably lead to the Eagles getting to the NFC Championship Game…again.

The Amish Draft Expert – You may have heard of Eli Yoder. You may have not. You probably have not. In fact you most certainly have not.

Although ESPN columnist Tim Graham labels Yoder as some sort of NFL Draft prophet (he’s not that good), he’s still better than the front office staff they’ve got in Detroit right now. Maybe combined with that new logo, the Lions will win…a game.

BREAKING NEWS: BROWNS TRADE PICK TO BEARS****

Mike Ditka – The Bears, trading out of the second round, contemplated drafting God until Super Fans remind all…Ditka *IS* God.

Brett Favre – We've all heard the rumors, so just brace yourself now. He’s coming back. We all hate him for it…but he’s coming back.

John Madden – Ozzie Newsome, considered one of the greatest talent evaluators in the NFL, Newsome selects Madden for his multitude of abilities including his immaculate telestrator action, and his knack of completely baffling anyone within an earshot of him, leaving opposing coaches completely speechless.

John Clayton – Since 2007, the fateful year the Falcons saw Michael Vick sent to jail, coach Bobby Petrino resign midseason (kindly leaving a resignation paragraph on the lockers of every Falcons player), and any number of internal disputes (we're looking at you DeAngelo Hall), owner Arthur blank has found a winning formula since then in bringing in regular, boring, low-risk people into the organization.

I mean, Matt Ryan is a total bad ass and all, but let’s be honest, he doesn’t provide any excitement. He doesn’t say stupid things, he doesn’t get arrested, he doesn’t shoot himself in the leg, he’s just too clean.

The only person in the world cleaner than Matt Ryan is ESPN’s John Clayton, who, as far as we all know, lives in a hole somewhere in Bristol. Have you ever seen him on location? Didn’t think so. And if you have, it’s a green screen.

By drafting Clayton, Arthur Blank will be able to answer the age old question: does John Clayton have a ponytail? Seriously, look at him…he’s creepy enough for it to work…

Michael Smith – Parcells couldn’t help but pass on Smith after his impersonation of Mel Kiper on ESPN the other day. Kiper continues to drop in this draft for character issues.

Sterling Sharpe – Do they need him? No, but most people consider him a far less obnoxious analyst than his brother, and everybody in Green Bay still loves him.

Jim Mora Sr. – Playoffs? We’re talking ‘bout playoffs? They don’t need him at all, but everyone just loves to hear the NFL analyst it again.

Adam Schefter – With Glazer and Mort off the board, the Bills select Schefter, the NFL Networks insider who will be able to stay informed no matter how bad the weather gets in Buffalo.

The new pair of Werder and Schefter will be able to keep players and fans alike feeling like they’re in a major market...without becoming Canadian.

Frank Gifford – Tom Coughlin is old school, and there is no one more so than Frank Gifford, who actually played for the Giants…in 1952.

Gifford was so old school, that after being forced to retire from football after Chuck Bendarik blindsided him in one of the most famous career-ending hits in sports history, he decided to come back as a receiver a few years later.

When he finally retired on his own merit in 1964, he went on to broadcasting and sports journalism with Howard Cosell and Don Meredith and is still reporting today.

Warren Sapp – SOMEBODY’s got to fill that black hole that Albert Haynesworth just left, and Warren's gonna dance right into it.

Jerome Bettis – In an effort to become more Steeler-like, Ken Whisenhunt drafts one of the greatest Steelers icons ever: The Bus.

Merril Hoge – Infuriated by the Jerome Bettis pick, the Rooney family takes former Steeler and ESPN analyst Merril Hoge, who can often be seen being a complete ass to anyone on the set that he feels is lesser than him (read: John Clayton).

Mel Kiper had adjusted his Big Board to show that Kiper himself was supposed to be drafted here, but was laughed at by everyone behind the Steel Curtain and subsequently ignored.

Kiper, infuriated, begins throwing a huge hissy fit because all of his friends think he's a prick. Kiper ends up being passed on by every team in the NFL until he becomes the NFL’s only undrafted analyst, where he'll write mock draft's until the end of time.