Recapping the 2013 NBA Playoffs Through 'Arrested Development' Quotes
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It's the 2013 NBA postseason, as explained by Arrested Development.
A decade ago, the critically-adored but ratings-challenged sitcom about the dysfunctional Bluth family premiered on Fox. Despite drawing a loyal following, not enough viewers tuned into the unconventional, fast-paced comedy.
That's what happens when you lose the laugh track and all the cheery comedy tropes while firing incest jokes at rapid speed.
Seven years after Arrested Development was taken away from us, Netflix will exclusively air an entire new season of episodes, all at once, on Sunday, May 26. Don't worry, the Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers don't play until 8:30 p.m EST, so there's plenty of time to power through the 15 episodes during the day.
Luckily, we have been treated to weeks of playoff basketball to fill our preceding days in anticipation. While a largely unlikable family in danger of losing all of its wealth does not figure to strike any resemblance to the NBA, there is some overlap.
Just in case you've been playing catch-up on the first three seasons during the past month, let's break down some of the postseason's highlights through the most memorable quotes and phrases from Arrested Development.
I've Made a Huge Mistake
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Gob Bluth, the screw-up older brother who constantly comes crawling to younger brother Michael for help, is prone to his fair share of errors. But at least he readily admits to his blunders, frequently declaring "I've made a huge mistake."
The Brooklyn Nets made a huge mistake of their own when they acquired Joe Johnson last offseason.
Although the veteran shooting guard showed signs of deterioration, the Nets, desperate to make a splash to impress free agent Deron Williams, traded for Johnson anyway.
Still better than most two-guards in the league, Johnson scored 16.2 points per game during the season on 42.3 percent shooting. Considering the void of talent at the position, that seems more than serviceable.
And it is, but not when you realize that the 31-year-old still has three years and $69.5 million left on his contract. A strong postseason performance could have made that crushing reality easier to handle, but he disappeared when the team needed him the most.
A fatigued, battered Chicago Bulls squad playing without Derrick Rose, Luol Deng and Kirk Hinrich still found a way to take the healthy Nets to a Game 7. Chicago's key players logged an exorbitant amount of minutes all season long, and Joakim Noah wasn't close to 100 percent.
With Williams, Brook Lopez and Gerald Wallace delivering solid efforts, Brooklyn should have been on its way to lose to Miami, right?
Maybe if Joe Johnson hadn't tallied a measly six points, misfiring on 12 of 14 shots (eight from long range).
Too harsh to bash an established scorer for one off-night? Maybe, but he was not helping in any other facets of the game, averaging 3.1 rebounds and 2.7 assists throughout the playoffs.
Say Goodbye to These
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Secretary Kitty Sanchez always exclaimed that this was the last time the Bluth's would see her, as well as certain body parts she'd expose on her way out. Yet she always came back.
The same can be said for the Boston Celtics, who have seemingly been making their "one last run" for the past three or four years. While they usually hold their own in the postseason, the New York Knicks pushed them out the door in the first round.
Is it time to say goodbye to the Boston Celtics as we know them?
Boston sneaked into the playoffs at a pedestrian 41-40, averaging a minus-0.2 point differential per game. Without Rajon Rondo, the Celtics were unable to ignite the engine during crunch time, mustering just 82.3 points per game against the Knicks without their floor general.
While the absence of a true point guard clearly hindered Boston's offensive output, it didn't help that Paul Pierce looked like a 35-year-old. The Truth shot 36.8 percent from the floor, amplified by a 4-for-18 dud during Game 6.
Kevin Garnett turned on the jets, grabbing 13.7 boards per contest, but can the 37-year-old maintain a high level of production for much longer?
On the twilight of their success, the Celtics face a tough decision this offseason. They can keep the band back together for another season, or they accept that their championship days are behind them and blow the roster up.
Should Pierce and Garnett keep wearing green next season, they would likely enter late April on the brink of one more swan song. But it's doubtful that it would continue past the first round.
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I'm taking some liberties here, modifying Michael's puzzled reaction of "her?" used to so beautifully describe his son's girlfriend.
After combating his initial shortsightedness to actually get to know Ann, Michael realizes that he still doesn't like her. And after sifting through all the numbers, I'm still baffled as to why the Oklahoma City Thunder are so attached to Kendrick Perkins.
Houston's speedy small-ball made Perkins' big presence down low an afterthought, but he received more playing time when pitted against the Memphis Grizzlies. He scored 12 points in five games,
Perkins was not just bad this postseason; he was historically bad. The center posted a PER of minus-0.7, the lowest ever among players who played 200 playoff minutes and the only negative PER ever accumulated in the playoffs.
His 24 turnovers matched his 24 points, but at he least he earned a big number in the foul department, getting called for 39 personal fouls through 210 minutes.
Meanwhile, Nick Collison compiled 11.1 points and 10.3 rebounds per 36 minutes with a 16.3 PER, but he only received 16:18 minutes per contest.
Seriously, what does anybody see in Perkins?
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Whenever flustered, Maeby Funke would blurt out "marry me" to avoid an awkward conversation. Well, this sentiment is no more a filler after watching Stephen Curry take the league by storm.
After that outstanding display of basketball, who doesn't love him?
In the biggest upset so far, Curry led the No. 6-seed Golden State Warriors to a victory of the third-seed Denver Nuggets, who lost twice at home after losing only three games at the Pepsi Center all season.
Even though David Lee tore his hip flexor early in the series, the smooth-shooting Curry propelled the Warriors to the second round, where they stood tall against the San Antonio Spurs. The 25-year-old scored 23.4 points per game with a 55.8 true shooting percentage.
Although it's amazing to watch him seamlessly drain three-pointers, especially when synced with the NBA Jam announcer, he also dished out 8.1 assists per contest.
He's a stone-cold assassin on the court, but he's also a skinny kid who could easily pass for a teenager. Most important of all, he's an unstoppable force of nature on NBA 2K. Seriously, if you think he never misses in real life, pick up a controller and let the threes rain down.
The Warriors should count their blessings that they are tied to Curry until death (or free agency, a trade or retirement) do them part.
That's Why You Always Leave a Note
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With the help of J. Walter Weatherman, here are some lessons taught the hard way to players, coaches and management throughout the NBA:
That's why you don't say you'll beat Miami in six games—Predicting one win for the Milwaukee Bucks would have been an incredibly bold move by Brandon Jennings.
That's why you don't trade James Harden before the season in fear of having to break up the team later down the line—Kevin Durant could have used some help after Russell Westbrook went down with a torn right meniscus.
That's why you always go for a lay-up—How did C.J. Watson miss that dunk?
That's why you don't bench your star defensive center while faced with a key defensive stop at the end of the game—Do we need to mix TV references and get Jean-Ralphio to coach the Pacers instead of Frank Vogel?
Has Anyone in This Family Ever Even Seen a Chicken?
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Gob, and occasionally others from the Bluth family, mock Michael's sensibleness through elaborate chicken dances. None of the noises nor movements, however, resemble anything close to that of an actual chicken.
NBA fans, analysts and even players have adapted their own chicken dances to shame Derrick Rose for not suiting up this postseason. The 24-year-old was medically cleared to return from a torn ACL, but he did not feel comfortable coming back until he was 100 percent ready.
As Rose played the cautious route, Noah hobbled down the court with an injured heel and Nate Robinson supplied Chicago with offense despite sustaining the flu.
To those who criticize for Rose for staying on the sidelines, "Come on!"
For starters, none of us have any idea how Rose felt during the recovery process. Maybe his leg still hurt, and explosiveness is the calling card of his game.
For Rose's contributions on the court to have amounted to anything greater than a motivational ploy, he needed to log some minutes during the season. The young point guard could not have laced his sneakers after missing an entire year and automatically played like vintage Rose.
And then there's everybody calling him soft for not pushing his body to the limit like many other Chicago players. Yep, I can't think of any reasons a 24-year-old athlete would be concerned about his long-term health.
Is it really that important for an athlete to display grit and determination by playing through pain if it means receiving poor production? Look at J.R. Smith, who hid the fact that he was playing with a swollen knee. What a gutsy effort from a tough competitor! Except for the fact that he stunk, hindering the Knicks' chances of emerging victorious.
Those calling Rose a chicken look as ridiculous as the Bluth's.
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What does the NBA scoring champion have in common with a brain-dead high school student named Steve Holt who rarely says anything other than "Steve Holt!"?
Like Holt, Anthony called his own name during most of the playoffs.
The forward attempted a postseason-high 310 field goals, converting 126 (40.6 percent) of those shots. Durant comes in at second with 246 attempts.
Anthony scored 28.8 points per game during New York's 12 bouts, but the Knicks fell short of topping the Pacers in the second round. His partial shoulder tear attributed to his inefficiency, but his teammates' ineptitude forced him to unsuccessfully play hero ball.
J.R. Smith, who served as Anthony's scoring sidekick throughout the season, went MIA, shooting 33.1 percent. Tyson Chandler shrunk, grabbing 36 boards in six games against Indiana as Hibbert thoroughly outplayed him on both ends of the court.
Jason Kidd didn't score a point during the entire series. Their only other solid contributor for most of the playoffs, Raymond Felton, went 1-for-8 in Game 3 and 0-for-7 during the elimination game.
So before bashing Anthony for tallying only 19 assists in playoff action, consider that he had little choice other than to try and do it all himself.
The Guy's a Pro
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Fed up with the lackluster performance from lawyer Barry Zuckerkorn, Michael enlists the services of Wayne Jarvis, the ultimate professional. He's such a pro that Cirque du Soleil once called him "the worst audience participant" they ever had.
Tim Duncan also seems like the type of guy who would not find their buffoonery amusing.
There's no greater ultimate NBA professional than Duncan, who is still going strong in his 16th season. The big man shot 50.2 percent during the season with 21.3-point and 11.9-rebound averages per 36 minutes that mirror the marks he posted a decade ago.
As expected, his postseason play has fallen in line with his usual steadiness. He's registering 17.5 points, 9.3 rebounds and 1.5 blocks per game for the Spurs, who are two victories away from reaching the NBA Finals for the first time since 2007.
As a result of casual fans inaccurately tabbing San Antonio as boring (Have they actually watched the Spurs play basketball?), he always falls under the radar while the other stars of his caliber receive the public recognition.
Duncan does not appear in commercials or brand himself off the court, but true fans of the game appreciate him as one of the greatest to ever take the court.
The guy's a true pro.
On the Next 'Arrested Development'
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So what's in the store for the rest of the postseason. Let's kick it to Ron Howard to tell us lies ahead in the epilogue.
Mistakenly thinking that a Knicks fan told him he "blue," J.R. Smith becomes an understudy for the Blue Man Group.
After throwing an errant pass, LeBron James gives Mario Chalmers a faulty Cornballer the next day, knowing the point guard will burn his hand and miss considerable time. Meanwhile, Chris Bosh abruptly leaves the team to pursue his true dream of being a cowboy.
The Bluth family becomes suspicious when Tobias Funke starts intently watching basketball, until they realize that he is studying the flops as an acting lesson.