(Photo by Bill Olive/Getty Images)
Editors: I have blocked the quotes the way I did on purpose. Please do not change them.
A late night news conference from Hawaii confirmed that Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat was not going to make a return to WWE as a full time competitor.
“I hadn't been watching the product until it was confirmed that I'd be competing at WrestleMania” said Steamboat.
“To be honest, I'm embarrassed I was ever a part of this train-wreck. When I first agreed to do WrestleMania, I thought maybe I could come back so I could help my son get established, but I'd rather be shot in the face with a harpoon than keep showing up on this pageantry of suck.”
Steamboat's announcement came as a bit of a shock, as he had been expected to confirm a return to RAW in order to feud with The Miz. He went on to elaborate on many of the problems he saw in the WWE.
“I have a lot of respect for Women wrestlers too, and frankly the way WWE treats their girls is a disgrace. I had expected them to be on top since they have both wrestling ability and sex appeal, but instead they're playing second fiddle to something I'd expect to see on a special episode of Cops. The fact that Mickie James has to be subjected to this crap just makes me want to beat Vince McMahon with a sack of hammers.”
“I wouldn't be caught dead making regular appearances for them, and to be quite honest I don't even think I want my son going there either. At this point, I'm already planning on trying to get him into ROH...hell, even the PWA would be a step up from WWE right now.”
Steamboat raised a lot of eyebrows when he moved on to discussing the main event situation on WWE.
“WWE wanted me to come back to help push Miz and bring an ounce of respectability to a mid-card title somewhere down the line, but I couldn't possibly live with myself if I was on a show that had as awful of champions as WWE. I don't know what Vince is smoking, but it must be killer if he thinks John Cena is a viable title holder.”
“John friggin Cena, are you kidding me? He sure gets booed a lot for a face, but damned if WWE wants to recognize that. John Cena? More like John Hogan—the kid has as much charisma as a boiled potato and a move set that looks and sounds like it was designed by a learning disabled anteater.”
“What the hell are the attitude adjustment and the five knuckle shuffle anyway? If he'd ever been booked to do either of those to me I swear to Jesus Christ I'd break script and just horse whip the troglodyte. Who the hell outside of Jeff Hardy fans is stupid enough to believe that somebody would just lie there and watch you wave your hand in their face. I can't see you? The hell I can't, I see your dumb ass every time I turn on WWE programming.”
“We're totally buying that some idiot making a mockery of dog tags can regularly beat a 7' giant with the same fighting experience. Way to sell the product you talentless cretin.”
Steamboat would continue on by talking about factions in WWE.
“I hope ECW gets around to forming that rumored New Hart Foundation, because WWE could sure use a faction that doesn't suck eggs. The Legacy, really? What a Legacy you've got, kids. What the hell legacy does the Orton family have? I'm pretty sure even wrestling aficionados have no idea who the hell Cowboy Bob was, what a legacy. Ted DiBiase Jr. doesn't have much of a legacy either. You're the Million Dollar Man's son? Well that's just grand, if he hadn't been a glorified manager with a sleeperhold he'd be irrelevant to wrestling—hell, he's barely relevant now.”
“What a faction—a whole three guys; I don't care how reckless and bad Sim Snuka was, wrestling with him couldn't have been a bigger ordeal than going against Khali or Santino. Even if they had Sim, that faction would still suck. I mean come on, it's led by someone with mic skills that are comparable to my neighbor's deaf son.”
“And what a push they're getting! Randy Orton, the man who looks like the Exxon Valdez let loose on his skin, leads two winged monkeys as they struggle to beat up Hunter, an old man, and some imbecile who constantly gets hurt and needed the legendary Undertaker just to reach mediocrity. Honestly, Vince, the only people satisfied with that push are the lowest common denominator of wrestling fans—aka, anybody who is brain dead enough to publicly say that Triple-H doesn't do enough to help put new guys over.”
Before he wrapped up the press conference, Steamboat discussed how the “insider” community affected his decision.
“Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to deal with, a bunch of monkeys on typewriters furiously jotting down whatever wildly untrue drivel percolates in their microscopic brains—if you can call what's lodged in those thick skulls of theirs a brain in the first place.”
“Their stories are ridiculous; did you know that in the week leading up to WrestleMania it was reported that I was fine, had tuberculosis, was nursing a sprained ankle, had to pull out due to family issues, had been abducted by aliens, had no interest in helping my son wrestle, and had gotten confirmation that I am indeed Hornswoggle's biological father? I didn't know any of that stuff either until I happened upon one of those 'news' sites.”
“All those sites can just feel free to shove it. I bet if I personally told lordsofpain exactly what my plans are, they'd still manage to report it wrong. I never could have been happy during a comeback if they'd constantly been making up stuff about me. I'd have spent no time working on matches and all of my time writing emails encouraging anybody who writes for, reads the content of, defends, or acknowledges the existence of those sites to leap head first into an active volcano.”
Steamboat thanked the reporters for showing up and told them he'd be flying back to Mount Olympus where he would continue to live with other wrestling dignitaries including: George Steele, King Kong Bundy, Wendi Richter, Trish Stratus, Bruno Sammartino, and Goldberg among others.
When asked if Randy Savage was one of the “others”, Steamboat replied that he wasn't because when they called him “...[Savage] just kept screaming 'Bonesaw is ready' and making grunting noises, so we figured he was insane or just an idiot. His brother Lanny lives with us though, he's alright.”
Steamboat then ascended a crystal staircase which presumably led to Pizza Hut since he had a coupon.
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