Golfers We Can Do Without
We all love to go out there and try to be the next Tiger, or take a few bucks off of your buddies on the links.
But sometimes there are those people that just make golf a real drag to play. Those select few that make you want to pull your hair out as you stand on the tee box.
We have all stood wondering, "What the hell are they doing?"
Here is my list of those who turn a beautiful day on the course into a frustrating nightmare.
Most courses have rules in place that don't allow you to play in groups larger than four.
I have seen it a hundred times: one group goes off as a twosome, and the next group as a threesome. But as soon as they are out of sight of the clubhouse, they form together like Voltron.
The worst part is that most of the time they are so enthralled with practicing for the upcoming scramble tournament, that they forget about the groups behind them.
Just let us play through, fellas, so that we may get on with our round. Is that too much to ask?
My buddy always saus, "Go ahead and hit into them. Screw 'em if they can't take a joke." I think one day I might just do that.
I Just Know I Can Get There In Two
This a group of misfits that really drive me nuts. You see them in the fairway, or in the rough, with 300 yards to go, and they are waiting for the group ahead of them to clear the green.
You sit there on tee box wondering what mistakes you made in your life that lead to karma putting you behind these guys.
You anxiously await their approach shot, hoping that they shank it in the woods and lose a ball. Then it happens.
They draw back the club with their eyes focused on the ball. Starting the downswing, turning their hips and churning up their lower half to gain that little something extra they know they'll need to get there.
The head of their 3-wood comes down to meet the ball and...they top the ball and it rolls forward about 50 yards.
I had to wait for that? Thanks, buddy.
It's Around Here Somewhere
Another group of idiots that need to be hit in the head with a 4-iron, the hunters.
They clearly hit their ball 30 yards deep into the woods, but they think they know where it came down. They're more likely to run into the North Vietnamese than find their errant tee shot.
Now, I am all for somewhere trying to find their ball; I know they're not free. But it isn't necessary to waste 20 minutes of my life doing so.
The worst part is when they start to find other peoples balls, and then it becomes some sort of time consuming Easter egg hunt.
Hey, let's go, pal. Drop a ball, take your penalty stroke, and let's get on with it. And by the way, I hope you found some poison ivy while you were in there.
Hey, I get it. It's a nice day, you're out with your buddies, and you want a cold, refreshing beer. But do you really need to get hammered?
You see these guys out there with a cooler bigger than their golf bag. The ones with wheels on them so they can hitch it to the golf cart and tote it around like a trailer.
They get drunk and then drive their carts like their in a demolition derby. They're falling over in their backswing, puking in the fairways, and taking a leak on the green.
I am not one to usually stereotype, but you notice that, usually, these are rednecks. Hoosiers out there golfing in cutoff jean shorts and a faded concert tee from Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet tour—their fantastic mullet blowing in the breeze.
You can only hope that you don't have to deal with them for too long, and that they hit a lightpole on their way home.
It can be a long and taxing day following any interaction with these types of golfers. Just remember that you are out there to have fun.
But in case you ever have to deal with a combination of all four of these, do yourself a favor: Lay down in front off the golf cart and tell your buddy to hit the gas.
It will be less painful than watching five rednecks getting hammered, sword-fighting with their clubs, wondering through the woods, and driving you completely and utterly insane.