The Worst Excuses for Mustaches in Sports

Nick Dimengo@@itsnickdimengoFeatured ColumnistMay 10, 2013

The Worst Excuses for Mustaches in Sports

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    For all of the fellas out there who can grow a sick mustache, we stand up and salute your manly prowess, because it's something every guy secretly wishes he could do.

    Although there are very few ladies out there who dig them, there's no stopping a guy who wants to show off the fur on his upper lip.

    But there's a fine line between going all out and growing one and just having that adolescent peach fuzz that looks ridiculous.

    That's why these athletes should really shave whatever they're going for, because their mustaches just don't measure up with some of the better ones we've seen in sports.

Joba Chamberlain

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    We can't be too tough on Yankees reliever Joba Chamberlain in regards to his mustache, especially because it blossomed into quite the furry beast.

    But because he actually showed up to spring training this year looking like a stoned college kid, he has to get a little flak.

Jeff Gordon

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    Though the four-time NASCAR Sprint Cup champion used to be able to grow a pretty damn cool mustache, his most recent attempt late last year kind of fell flat.

    Here's a tip, Jeff: Go as fast as you can in your car and see if the wind will blow the whiskers right off your top lip, because you look like the dad trying to hold on to his glory days just a little bit too long.

    No one wants to be that guy.

Curt Schilling

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    Entering the league in 1989, former pitcher Curt Schilling must have really wanted to make a statement with his new ballclub.

    What better way then showing up with a thinned-out mustache that looked like he hadn't shaved it since he was in high school?

    After 20 years in the Majors that included six All-Star appearances and three World Series titles, thankfully the fur didn't last as long as his career did.

Joakim Noah

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    Though the Bulls' forward typically avoids having a mustache full-time—instead opting for the stoner look—as we've seen over the course of his career, he's not afraid to lose everything else on his face and sport one.

    There's just one big problem with his decision to do that—it looks god-awful.

    And when he lets his long locks flow like he is in this picture, we honestly wonder if there's a human being who would want to be seen conversing with him.

Ben Roethlisberger

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    It's not that Ben Roethlisberger's mustache isn't a fine attempt at manhood—we admit it's one of the fuller, pornier ones on here—but dude, what's going on with the hair?

    As a guy who looks like certifiable whack job with a mustache, it's a good thing "Big Ben" just decided the scruffy look suited him better.

Larry Bird

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    With a nickname of "Larry Legend," it's pretty obvious he earned the moniker from his three NBA titles and three league MVP awards rather than the piss-poor attempt at growing hair above his lip.

    We honestly don't know what Bird was thinking by growing this thing.

    Not only is it almost invisible because of the hair color mixed with his pearly white skin, but we can also honestly say he looks like someone we'd run from if he pulled up and asked for directions somewhere.

Thierry Henry

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    There are plenty of soccer players who go with the crazy hairstyle and facial hair look.

    After experimenting with the trend for a hot second early in his career, French star Thierry Henry found out quickly that he wasn't one of the guys who can pull it off.

Michael Jordan

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    For reasons unbeknownst to us, Michael Jordan continues to sport a mustache.

    As the greatest basketball player of all time, the majority owner of the Charlotte Bobcats and the new husband to a smokin' hot girl, we beg you Mike, just take the gamble of getting rid of it.

    Though he seems to make the right decisions in his life—besides drafting Kwame Brown and Adam Morrison—this mustache is one of those very bad moves.

Chad Henne

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    Normally, guys like to grow facial hair out of luck, believing that some superstitious stuff can contribute to a long winning streak.

    In quarterback Chad Henne's case when he grew this thing last season, though, it must have been to try to help turn things around for the struggling team.

    The Jags finished at 2-14 and wound up with the No. 2 pick in this year's NFL draft, so you tell us if it brought them any luck.

Daniel Carcillo

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    Though Blackhawks' enforcer Daniel Carcillo used to have the 'stache pretty much full-time a couple of years ago, he'll sometimes get lazy and let it grow on occasion.

    We're used to seeing him with it, so it's tough to knock him for it, but once you see the combination of his missing teeth and the poor attempt at a man-stache, it makes him look a little funky.

Kris Humphries

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    Nets big man Kris Humphries' attempt at a Cinco de Mayo mustache this year didn't exactly make anyone very proud.

    On top of looking like a seventh grader who was trying to grow it to appear older, Humphries' fur could probably be plucked away with tweezers, it's so nonexistent.

    Come on, man, how you going to walk around with this thing?

Colt McCoy

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    Quarterback Colt McCoy opted to try the mustache look for himself a couple of years ago and, as you can see, it didn't quite work out for him.

    McCoy's nothing but a baby-faced 26-year-old, so while we respect the motivation and comedic value of trying to duplicate a '70s porn 'stache, a dude has to know his limits—which is probably why we've never seen him with one again.

Shane Battier

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    After the 12-year vet decided to get a near end-of-the-career crisis—or was just bored out of his mind following the first-round sweep of the Bucks—Shane Battier tried pushing the whiskers out beneath his nostrils.

    He may have had trouble naming it, but thankfully he just decided to shave the thing off before it got a little bit out of control.

Michael Phelps

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    Michael Phelps became the greatest American swimmer when he bypassed former Olympian Mark Spitz's medal record in 2008, but by displaying this 'stache, we think he's trying a little too hard to be like Spitz.

    Though we toss Phelps props for taking the leap of faith to try to grow one—and we admit that as it grew, it looked more manly—but in the early stages of its growth, it was awful.

Ronny Cedeno

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    In an effort to build team camaraderie amongst his teammates, Pirates shortstop Bobby Crosby thought a mustache contest would help promote some fun in the clubhouse during the 2010 season.

    As guys threw away their shaving cream and razors, most players were able to flaunt some serious facial hair.

    One of those players, unfortunately, wasn't Ronny Cedeno, who opted to use eye-black to draw on his attempt at one.

    The better part is that he actually went out on the field like this, snapping a 0-20 streak.

Sidney Crosby

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    Sidney Crosby might be the best player in the NHL and former No. 1 overall pick, but when it comes to growing a mustache, he's nothing but an undrafted free agent.

    We've all heard of lucky playoff beards, so maybe Crosby was just trying to start a new trend with his Sharpie-drawn mustache—or at least that's what it looks like to us.

Bobby Valentine

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    OK, OK, so this one wasn't exactly an attempt by then-Mets manager Bobby Valentine to really sport an original 'stache, but it was a pathetic attempt nonetheless—though pretty funny.

    Trying to disguise himself as a clubhouse assistant following an ejection, Valentine was caught in the dugout with the comical prop.

    Hard to believe this was almost 14 years ago, because it's still often talked about.

Chris Berman

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    ESPN's Chris Berman is one of the most famous sportscasters in history.

    So when he randomly showed up on camera sporting a mustache back in 2010, viewers weren't sure if it was just Boomer having some fun or a serious midlife crisis.

    Love or hate the guy, this mustache was one of the worst decisions he's ever made—even more so than when he lashed out at a poor PA a couple of years ago.

Adam Morrison

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    Unfortunately for the since-NBA departed Adam Morrison, the former No. 3 overall pick's lasting legacy in the league is one of disappointment.

    In Morrison's case, it was more than just his game never developing in the league, but also the way he repped all men with his creepy mustache.

Derek Holland

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    With apologies to the Rangers pitcher, we're awarding Derek Holland's attempt at growing a mustache as the absolute worst attempt in sports.

    Is it just us, or does he honestly look like that kid in middle school during gym class that everyone makes fun of because it looks so bad?

    Thankfully, he decided to part ways with the thing.